More Random Thoughts

As I sit and look at the format, I'm not at all sure what I want to say today.

I'm just going to wing it.

Motherhood--Everyone who can reproduce probably shouldn't. Giving birth doesn't make a good mom.

In traffic this morning, I could see a little afro puff, unbuckled in the back seat, blowing (huge) snot bubbles, while her mother blew cigarette smoke in the enclosed vehicle, and the bass was shaking my car.

That baby couldn't have been more than 4. She'll probably be deaf at an early age and die of lung cancer from the second hand smoke. Woman, can you TRY and give your baby half a chance?

Exes--They may be an ex for a reason, but that doesn't make them a bad person. It just means they served their purpose in your life for that time. Instead of condemning them because they're an ex, try and see what they brought. Did you learn something through the relationship? Did the experience make you a better or stronger person? All exes aren't horrible. It's ok to maintain a friendship, really.

Friends--Where would I be without mine? My best friends came to me late in life, but I couldn't be more blessed! I love you SiStars and Brothers!

Weed--Legalize it or not? Don't they say that most things are good in moderation? I don't know...if they ok it for medicinal purposes...*shrug*

Kids--You always love em, you just don't always like em. What? Don't get mad because I'm telling the truth! Kids feel the same way about parents! Oh stop lying! You never got mad at your mom and then stepped on the crack? Oh, that was just me? Proceed...

Twitter--I thought it was reaaaally stupid at first and I deleted my account. I came back one day, when FB got extra boring to me. I refused to add my kids and with the freedom to say what I want, I love it! I've never met some really cool ass people there!

31 day blog post challenge--Some days it seems like it's not going to happen, but then something happens and there you have it! I think I'm going to keep going as long as I can.

Christians--Somewhere along the lines, people keep adding their own rules to the religion and it's really disheartening to see some christians act uglier than athiests.

Eddie Long--I can't say he did it. I can't say he didn't. I can say, just like I said when MJ was on trial. I wasn't there and I don't know. If it's true, it's sad that a person would abuse their power that way, but the bottom line is still this: PARENTS why da fugg would you let your children around a grown man (or woman) with no supervision? It's YOUR fault!

Lunch--The chili was good, but I probably should'nt have had that pineapple juice to wash it down. *holding my stomach*

Dating--Why won't I date anyone in my city? Because it seems like no one wants a real relationship around here anymore. Over 25 is too old to have relationships based on booty calls. Get a life...

Family--Sometimes loving them from a distance is what's best. Sometimes you have to shorten that distance because someone needs you. Never cut them off completely.

Funerals--I don't go. It's nothing against you or your loved one, I just prefer to remember them how I remember them. I will make exceptions for family or someone who was a constant in my life, but not often.

Seinfeld--Be pissed if you want, but even though Michael Richards had that rant and said the "N" word, he's still HILARIOUS as Kramer, in my opinion. You gonna revoke my black card?

Fact--When I post, I imagine I'm talking to my SiStars because even though the stats show that people are reading my posts (from far away lands even), I know that they are the only ones that will post a comment here and not make me feel like I'm talking to myself. Did I tell ya'll I love ya'll? I did? Oh, well here it is again. I love ya'll!

A Fatty Girl Speaks

Today is my anniversary.


It was one year ago today that I had lap band surgery.


As I remember it, by this point of the day, I was in recovery.


Now I'm no stranger to surgeries, but for whatever reason, I was scared to death going in for this one. I've had my gallbladder removed, tubes tied, another female surgery, biopsies, vascular surgery for dialysis and I've had a catheter in my jugular vein, so I'm thinking that my anxiety was with the fact that after trying all my adult life, I was finally doing something to rid myself of the fat that I thought I was destined to carry.

I was never really fat growing up, the extra skinny girls just made me think I was. I was always fat cow, fat bitch, fatty, whatever. Looking back at high school pictures, I was BUILT. Which would explain the attention I'd get from older guys.

I'd already bought into the persona that I was a fat girl, so soon, I was a fat girl.


Actually first I was a chunky girl. I could still buy clothes at any store. Then after college, I was a fat girl. Exchanging clothes with my other size 20-22 friends, so it wasn't a big deal. I just looked like some of my peers, right?

Then I came home and got a job and lived.

Three years later, I had a baby, grew another dress size. Five years later, had another baby and grew another dress size.

Six months later, his father died and I stopped eating. I went down 2 dress sizes in almost a month.

A couple of years after that, I entered into what would be the most abusive relationship of my life. Without too many details, it was mostly emotional, but it did get to a point where it got physical.

At any rate, this is where the downward spiral of eating for comfort began. We'd argue, make up and eat. We'd get up in the middle of the night to play dominoes and fix hamburgers and fries and then go back to sleep. Or eggs and bacon. I started putting weight on at an alarming rate and when I finally got to a point that I knew I had to do something, I was weighing 353. More than any NBA player I'd seen and most of the NFL players.

As it happened, my boss decided that we, as an office, could use a little weight loss motivation and proposed that we have our own Biggest Loser. It ran from late October to Christmas and we weighed in each week.

I was working out regularly. I was doing Weight Watchers and if I cheated and went to McDonald's, I'd only order off the kid's menu.

I ended up winning, with a total loss of 23 lbs.

After the contest, I hit a plateau. After awhile, I stopped trying. I did manage to maintain that weight though.

I'd begun preparing to start dialysis, I was depressed, I was scared and I ate.

Fast forward to last year, my son graduated from an alternative military school and I don't know who had the camera, but I always felt safe behind the camera because I knew I wouldn't have to see any pics of myself if I didn't want them (says the camera whore) the majority of my pictures though are head shots.

Well someone caught me off guard and when I got the pictures developed and saw the pic below, I knew I had to do something. FAST. I was disgusted by what I saw and still am.

Don't get me wrong, I was still a commodity because I have a cute face *eyeroll*, but I was NOT healthy in the least.

Half my ass fit on the chair. HALF.

This was in June. In July I had my first consultation. The surgeon was excited because I was her first kidney patient and this surgery for me, would mean that I could not only get to a healthy weight in general, but get down to the accepted weight for the transplant surgery. Because I have to have a certain amount of protein for dialysis, we opted for the lapband, not the gastric bypass. Had I had gastric, I'd have probably lost about 140 lbs by now, but healthwise, I'd be in pretty bad shape because there just would'nt be enough room for my food and meds.

A couple of months prior to surgery, I decided to go natural with my hair and stop using relaxers. I figured if there were going to be major changes, I would do it 100%. My beautiful hair, something that took away from the attention of the weight, I got chopped.

It was SO liberating!

Anyway fast forward to today. I weigh in at 260 and I'm not shamed to say it because I feel good! I'm not where I want to be (between 170 and 190), but thank God, I'm not where I was!!

I had someone take some pictures of me last night, wearing the same shirt I wore to the graduation party. It still fits, but I've got LOTS of room.

These days I wear either an XL or 1X top (if I want some wiggle room) from 3x-4x back then. And my jeans back then were 34 womens, today I'm in 26 womens. I wore 24w just before I had my last child, so this is monumental for me.

Attitude Schmattitude

I have an attitude.

Folks that know me, are cracking up right now and saying ok, and? It's common knowledge. That's just me. I take a lot of things to heart. I'm trying to do better. People just piss me off.

Why do I have an attitude, you say?

I'm looking at a form for the Employee Giving Program this year.

I have given every year except one, since I started working here in 1989.

I have an attitude because they have the utmost nerve to ask me to donate, or "gift", rather to charity, when weeks ago I WAS charity!

Why was I charity? Because the same employer that wants me to give, "tooketh away" in the form of furlough days.

fur·lough 
 [fur-loh]–noun
1.
Military . a vacation or leave of absence granted to an enlisted person.
2.
a usually temporary layoff from work: Many plant workers have been forced to go on furlough.
3.
a temporary leave of absence authorized for a prisoner from a penitentiary.
–verb (used with object)
4.
to grant a furlough to.
5.
to lay (an employee or worker) off from work, usually temporarily.

Very basically, they told me to take x amount of days off and though I have plenty of vacation time, with no pay.

I'm not going to rehash the issue (much) because I've already talked about it late last week, but yeah. Attitude. For real...

I'll hold on to my money and donate as I'm moved.

Scrambled Eggs and Bacon Bits

Before I say anything, I need to get something off my chest...

When people die, they have passed away, not past! When someone dies, you are sorry for their loss, not lost! The gotdang game is bid whist, not bid wizz or bid wiss. ARRRGHH! It really doesn't hurt to sometimes look things up!

Ok, LOL. Now, today I want to talk about smells and how a smell can take you back to another time.

I walked out of my office this morning and for whatever reason, downtown smelled like scrambled eggs with Bacos in them. THAT took me right back to Union Baptist Day Care. The year had to be 1971-72. We often had that, toast and grits for breakfast.

I don't know about other day care centers, but thinking back, Union really served some good food.

Other smells that remind me of daycare is split pea and ham soup and salmon patties and peas.

I used to have the best time. I remember my mom would take me down the street to Mrs. Shoultz's in the morning and I'd ride to day care with her. While I waited, I'd watch Tony and Michelle leave for school. It seemed like they were already grown, but they couldn't have been.

I remember after getting to day care, watching Romper Room and Captain Kangaroo, Sesame Street and Electric Company on this huge floor model television.

Miss Ruth, Miss Cat and Mrs. Foster were some of my favorite teachers.

We used to go across the street to their playground (it's a parking lot now). My earliest friends and still friends now, are Bruce, Gwen, Terrence, Tina and Teah, all siblings. Two sets of friends with the same last name, but I don't think any relation, Karen, Kelly and Kendra and then Vette, Ed and Devon.

Ed is a former NBA player and so is Kevin.

I remember nap time was on these little green cots and that Devon always cried because he didn't want to take a nap and Ed would run around sticking people with safety pins (I remind his ol 6'8 self of that often).

I remember taking a field trip to a farm once. We rode a school bus and the bus driver was playing Kool and the Gang's Jungle Boogie. I was fascinated by the milk machine. I also remember that we were let loose in a field, I guess to get rid of extra energy before getting back on the bus and the twins found a big rock, which ended up being a cow pie.

The pastor of Union, Rev. Shoultz, would have all of us day care children calling him Daddy, which was cool, until we saw him someplace else with our real Mama and/or Daddy.

I almost forgot, back then I'd eat tomato soup and grilled cheese too. I don't even know who was cooking back then, but Union has always been a part of my life and holds good memories.

Very happy memories. I only hope my kids have happy memories like this to look back on...

All this, because I thought I smelled scrambled eggs and bacon bits.

Keep That Spit To Yourself

I was chilling with a friend, not too long ago, at her house. We were just talking about money, kids, life...

We hadn't talked for a long time and I was really enjoying myself, until....

Her husband came through the kitchen (we were at the kitchen table) and he hocked up from the tip of his toenails and spit in the kitchen sink.

WHAT?!??!?!?!?

Double take

WHAT?!??!?!?!?

My friend was unfazed (I know the word is phase, I like the "z"). I was floored.

At that moment, I was happy I hadn't ever eaten over there.

I'm sorry, bathroom sink, yeah. Kitchen sink? Hell no! You wash dishes in the sink. I was outdone.

I can talk about shit all day long. I can watch lions eat wildebeasts and zebras during dinner. I can watch live childbirth and not be fazed.

You want to make me lurch? Let me see spit on the sidewalk or a booger on the wall. I think spitting is one of the nastiest things known to man. I'd rather help stop a severed arm from bleeding.

I'm not sure why it affects me that way, but it does.

My kids will tell you. If they spit on the grass, cool. There's no good reason why someone should spit on the sidewalk where people walk or in the parking lot where there is a lot of foot traffic.

One of the kids once saw one of their friends spit in the trash can and decided to come home and do it. Well, when I went to retrieve something I accidentally tossed, guess what it had landed it?

"Beyoooooooootchwhodafuggspitinthetrashnastymofo!!!" No one owned up to that for months...

Funny thing is, my sister is the exact same way. Her and my brother were a year apart in high school and we lived about a block and a half away from the school (this is before Dad let them drive to school- Yeah, I said drive O_O).

My brother would do nasty stuff to make her throw up. Pretend to find candy on the ground and eat it and whatnot.

One day he discovered that he could string spit almost all the way to the ground and suck it back up and my sister would throw up instantly. I don't know how many times he got away with that one before my mom made him stop.

Well then he would do what we call "gleek" in her direction. Somehow he'd finagle his tongue to spray, like when you bite into corn on the cob.

Once during an argument, I saw a guy hock and spit in his girlfriend's face. I was floored. She didn't even look shocked. It obviously had happened before.

Tell you what...the person that spits in my face, best not go to sleep any time thereafter, in my presence. Not sure what I'd do, but there's an uncontrollable rage that would come.

Miss me with all that.

You Get So Emotional Baby

I love the men in my life.

My father, my brothers, my sons...

My Daddy, my best male friends, my cyber-brothers. I love you all. I've chosen to let you inside a layer the others aren't allowed to cross.

I have noticed something, however, about nearly all of you.

You have complained at one time or another about how emotional women are, but you fail to see that men are also emotional creatures, you just don't show it as much.

I understand. It's that pride thing. I have it. Read my previous post. I get it.

Guess what? Just because you don't show it, doesn't me I (and others) don't know you feel it and if you were not meant to feel it, God would have left all that out of you. Stop trying to fight it. The majority of you don't fight it as well as you think anyway.

You get hyper when you worry.

You snap when you're scared.

You get angry when you love someone so much and you don't want them to know it.

And because you also have low esteem days, you secretly like that hoes throw themselves at you, though you pretend not to notice.

Because you work so hard at covering your emotions and making them look different than you feel, is the reason so many of you have heart attacks later in life (well that and your diet).
Real women recognize that showing the emotion for what you feel isn't a sign of weakness, it's a sign of humanity and a sign of being strong enough to not give a fuck what anyone thinks. *note: there's a difference in being emotional and being overemotional and the latter is not pretty in anyone*

If you worry about someone, tell them. Maybe it will make them change the very thing you're worrying about.

Same thing if you're afraid (well unless it's an ant or something you're afraid of, LOL). Seriously, I get that you might be afraid of commitment or parenting or something like that. That's healthy. Especially if you aren't familiar with it and don't know exactly how to handle it. Guess what? WE ALL LEARN BY EXPERIENCE.

I get loving someone so much and being afraid they'll hurt you. That's a time that you should hold back, but don't hold back so much that you don't show any emotion. You fuck with the other person's emotions then...find a happy medium, damn.

That last one? Especially if you are in a relationship? Don't pretend that you don't know someone's throwing ass your way. Especially if they're blatent about it. Sure, it feeds your ego, but the woman in your life ain't hardly going for it and she sees it for exactly what it is and it's insulting to her to pretend you don't. It's going to create problems sooner or later. Handle that.

Women are also flattered to find that they could still pull a guy if they wanted to, but to disrespect the relationship by accepting flat out or sometimes cryptic "ass offers" is a no go.

The last thing I have on my mind and I'm not real sure how to tie it in, but I'm going to say it anyway...

Male or female, if you find yourself constantly moving from person to person, you need to stop for a minute. Sit down and have a deep conversation with yourself. What is it that you're looking for? What aren't you finding? Yeah, it's fun to fuck person after person after person, but fucking is a surface thing that many use to cover something up that's missing. You won't find happiness in fucking. You might be happy while you're doing it, but eventually you'll crash (maybe burn). <---a lil humor there.

I am floored at the convos I see every day. Sometimes it seems like sex is the only thing some people think about. If it is, there's a problem. An addiction. Something.


*The above are all MY personal observations and opinions*

That poster? Those are the same emotions a lot of men show. I'm just sayin...

Hard Times

First of all, I'm so upset that there will be no post on my blog dated October 15, 2010. I got taken out by a shower. I had this post mapped out in my brain and as a result of them taking a tad too much fluid off me at dialysis yesterday morning, I started getting leg cramps last night.

I used to be able to take quinine for them, but they aren't allowed to prescribe it in the U.S. anymore, unless you have malaria. So for me, a hot shower is the only thing that will relax my muscles.

Yesterday was a monumental day for me. It was the first time in MONTHS that I had a full paycheck.

2010 has been hard for me financially. I've never been real disciplined at paying my bills on time, it's a lesson I'm learning at my late age. (BTW it floors me that my sister got this lesson growing up, but I didn't. What's that about?) This was the year though that my son turned 18 and I chose to release his biological from financial support because I just don't want to deal with him in any capacity anymore. He's never chosen to be a part of his life (though his much of his family has)and good riddance.

I didn't forsee my employer forcing us to take furlough days. What is a furlough day? It's a day that they force you to take off work, without pay, so they can save money. It balanced out to roughly about $150 a paycheck. OUCH, right?

Well it also happens that I have a shitload of medical bills that I can't keep up with, though I have insurance (did you know it costs roughly $35,000 per dialysis treatment and most patients dialyze 3 times a week? For me, each of those treatments comes with a $50 co-pay) and right around the time I was hit with furloughs, I was also garnished for those medical bills.

So we're talking between the three, a loss of about $1160 a month on a single mom and things got tighter than a small t-shirt on Wendy Williams.

Oh, did I mention that the week before all this hit, my transmission went out and I had to take a loan out just for the $1700 repair?

Well, ya'll couldn't tell, because that's what I do, but I hit rock fucking bottom this past week.

I finally had to make the mama sacrifices that I thought I'd never have to make. I put my kidney diet aside and ate a lot of oatmeal, so my kids could eat meat. I skipped lunch, so there would be something for dinner. I ate one hamburger and used one piece of bread, so there would be enough to last til Thursday night.

I dug through my dresser drawers for loose change, so I could put $5.50 in my gas tank.

I stole a roll of toilet paper from work, so we had enough to last til payday.

I lived for one week, how people lived through The Great Depression, except it's the year 2010 and I have a "good gubment job".

I was in hallelujah mode all day, but I realized that if I'm going through this with a "good gubment job", there are people out there who don't even have a chance.

These are the kinds of things we need to think about when we go to the polls. Voting is the single free thing that we can do to make a difference. We need more than Obama being president, to turn this economy around.

One thing for sure, we need to learn how to pray again, because that right there is the ONLY way many of us are going to survive.