*%@#$?*#!!!! I Have Road Rage

Yes, I admit it. I have road rage.

No, I'm not going to wave a gun at you or chase you down, but you WILL get a good cussing out, if you do something stupid that causes me to have a near accident. Yes, I have envisioned myself issuing a beatdown if someone does something that results in one of my kids getting hurt. I'm just telling you now, so you know...

I wasn't always this way. I'm not a bad driver either. I don't weave in and out of traffic or ride right up on someone's ass...well, unless they've cut me off *looking around*

I think this road rage thing started after I had kids. Just the thought of someone causing me to have an accident and/or hurt one of them just burns my ass.

Actually, I think it started after I was in an accident in which I was on a busy main parkway and this idiot pulled out from a side road and just slowed down in front of me. I swerved to avoid hitting him and guess what he did? Pulled forward more, I guess in an attempt to cross the parkway anyway.

Oh, I was HOT! I was in the car with my mom, sister and son. We pulled over, so as not to cause another accident and someone called the police.

While my mom and I were in front assessing the damage, el stupido was toward the back of the van, calling his lawyer dad, telling him he just hit someone and didn't have insurance. How do I know that? Oh, he was talking near the open window where my sister was sitting.

When the police officer got there and requested license and registration and everyone produced them, my sister piped up and told the officer the whole conversation dude had (that's why I could never trust her when I was in sneak mode, LOL).

Ends up that he was a licensed doctor that had been suspended from AMA (American Medical Association) for who knows what. His insurance had expired and my mom's insurance company ended up taking him to court.

Ever since then, when people do STUPID shit, I start screaming at them or mean mugging (glaring) them down. Like the woman who pulled out in front of me(again) from a parking lot yesterday, when there was fresh snow on the ground.

In my head, she got the beatdown of her life.

Yeah, I've got road rage.

Remembering Billy

Billy Brents wasn't my age, nor was he anyone I hung out with. I think he was my brother's age and our families go way back.

I first really paid attention to him when he played basketball at the high school I used to go to. He was probably about 8-9 years behind me.

I remember he was a light-skinned, freckle faced cutie and his sister was the female version of him.

He was a friend of a friend's younger brother. Cool people.

I wasn't surprised to hear that after graduation, he moved (all who can, do, even for a little while) to Florida.

A couple of years passed before the next time I saw Billy. I was in the grocery store and he introduced me to his boyfriend. I was a bit surprised, but no biggie. I was more surprised to hear that he'd moved back home.

I was saddened to learn days later, that he had moved back home because he had full blown AIDS.

Did I go and sanitize the clothes I'd worn the day I hugged him? Or wash my skin with bleach? No. What he had, couldn't be "caught" by touching, hugging or even breathing the same air he breathed. I felt for him though, because he was so young.

The next time I saw Billy, it was clear that his health was getting the best of him, but still he smiled when he saw me and still, I hugged him because he was still the same old Billy.

Although we were never best buddies, I'd like to think I made some type of impact on him just by treating him the same way I always had and not judging his choices, after all,they were HIS, not mine.

I would hope that if someone you know and/or love, is gay or has contracted HIV or AIDS, that you would remember the person they were and the person they are is still one and the same and that you wouldn't look down on them.

I see ya freckle face...

Thanksgiving Eve

In the beginning, I was only making a roast and a key lime cake.

Then my kids complained that there are never any leftovers from grandma's except sides and they talked me into roasting a turkey breast, garlic mashed potatoes, corn pudding (again) , stringbeans (I got my youngest to snap em for me), macaroni and cheese and a key lime cake (because everyone always gets greedy at grandma's and there's none of that left over either).

And so I cook...

The beans smell wonderful. I tossed a smoked pork shank in them this time instead of turkey.

The roast is in the crock pot (shhhh, let em think I slaved).

The potatoes are peeled (WHY'D I get Yukon Gold instead of Russets? Daggone Paula Deen!)

I think I'll do the corn pudding tomorrow. Either I'll be in it or the oldest will and then I'd have to cut him.

Have a Happy Thanksgiving and take time to reflect the everyday people in your lives. Even the ones who test you.

I'm thankful that I'm getting through this with no alcohol!

Silently Screaming

I don't know if you can identify with what I'm about to say, but here goes...

Oftentimes growing up and even sometimes now, I experience people speaking over me. I can be in mid-conversation and I guess the person to whom I'm speaking, feels their conversation is more important.

I used to try and speak over them, but I'd always end up just clamming up and screaming all I had to say, silently, in my head. Now, I figure if they feel the need to talk over me, then they don't deserve my conversation at all.

It really used make me feel like a nobody. Like what I had to say had no merit, so if I wanted to be heard, I either had to make it funny or extra loud. That's why I find it so funny that people tell me all the time, that they enjoy my blog and that I'm so inspiring to them.

So if we're ever talking and I seem to be getting louder, shut up, because I've got something to say!

LOL! For real, just listen.

I wrote a poem about it. Wanna read it? Here it go! (Only fans of In Living Color will get that)

Silently Screaming

My voice is weak
Can't you hear me speak?

Do my words come out as a whisper?
Anything but a "come hither" seems to be ignored.

Are you bored?
Is my conversation not good enough?

Are my words not the stuff your time is worth of?

Sometimes I feel I have nothing to say.
Well, nothing of value, that's how you portray.

Sometimes I ramble. Sometimes I complain.
My words don't come down as falling rain.

I mostly keep my words to myself
but sometimes the words I speak are a wealth
of information

Intelligent even. Wise.
Even if not in your eyes.

It Takes All Kinds: An Observance of Couples

People love differently, most realize that. I'm just putting down in writing, some things that have been in my head. Probably boring to most, but guess what? This is my spot! LOL

I've observed several couples that I'm friends with.

One couple is ridiculous with it. I wanna be them when I grow up. No matter what it is they're going through, they are there for each other, even when one of them is the issue. They are like the poster children for great couples. If she tells him something bothers her, he might not have the solution, but he asks if there's anything he can do to make it better and vice versa. When there's nothing the other can do, they give each other space, without being too far away. Some may call them whipped, I call them balanced and I (for lack of a better word) envy them because they've found what works for them.

Another couple, rarely does anything together on a daily basis, but they "date" on the weekends, go to church together and they travel together and though I've known them over 30 years, I've never heard them disagree. I'm sure they do, but you know the old school couples don't let their business be known.



Then you have the lovey dovey couple with the pet names, who sit right on each other and they are so flowery, you find yourself wishing you had allergies so you don't have to be around them. Then one day, they don't want to be around themselves and they are no longer together. My guess is that they were so busy being in love that they never really got to know each other. Again, just MY observances and theories.

There is a couple I know where the husband is HENPECKED!! I mean, I'd be surprised if dude didn't wait for her to pick out his drawls in the morning (that's underwear, for those who don't know). She's cocky with it too. Everyone knows that he clears every step he takes, with her first.

On the other side of that, is a couple where the husband doesn't let the wife do anything. She can't hang out with girlfriends because they're a bad influence. She can't join a gym, there will be too many men gawking at her, stuff like that. Basically, she can go to the grocery store and to church. These last two are no way to live, but if they like it, I love it (I personally don't see any way possible that they can be happy, but it's not my call).

Another couple I've observed for years, and it's really sad. They basically tiptoe around each other at home and each of them has a significant other outside the home. It's unfortunate, because I think that this type of household has ruined their children. The daughter is bitter about every damn thing and the son has been an alcoholic for YEARS. I wish people would care just a bit more about what they do and how they do them affects others.



The last two are sad to me...the husband is very loving, would do anything for his wife and children and she appreciates him not one iota. You always see him toting the kids, doing the grocery shopping, doing the school events, etc. She does her own thing, whatever that may be.

The last woman, I wish I could fix up with the last husband. She's not without issues, but she is very loving and devoted and does what she can to really show her man that he's always on her mind and he goes back and forth between loving on her and ignoring her. It causes her to have serious highs on her good days and sometimes dangerous lows on others. I sometimes think he's not worth the ground he walks on when it comes to relationships, he's a good man otherwise.

Again, just my observations. No criticisms. No solutions.

I guess when it's all said and done, it's about finding someone who loves you the way YOU need to be loved.

I Love My Family, LOL

We have fun if we don't get together too much, LOL.

We managed to share some laughter in the midst of a trying time and I wanted to share it with you.

Happy Holidays?

I copied a status I saw on Facebook yesterday. It said

DEPRESSION is not a sign of weakness, it is a sign that you have been trying to be too strong for too long.

I SO idenify with that statement! For so long, I thought of my depression as weakness. That's what we as black women, are taught. I don't know, maybe it's just something that women are taught, period.

Be the keeper of your household. Everything rests on you. Be strong! Just pray and keep going. <----that might get me in trouble with some folks.

I say that there comes a time when every person needs help coping, be it by talking to someone about their problems or even getting medication for it.

This year has been really hard for me and I've had plenty of ups and downs, but traditionally, the holiday season SUCKS for me. It usually starts about a week before Thanksgiving and lasts until about the week after New Years.

I'm not sure when this all started. I know when my grandmother was living, it became stressful and tense for me to do Thanksgiving and Christmas. I'm don't know why though. Maybe I was picking up on someone else's tension. *shrug*

I do know it stopped being a fun time for me awhile back. I think I was pretty happy the year my youngest was born. That was back in 97. I did Thanksgiving with my family then I did Thanksgiving with my babydaddy’s family. Don’t get offended, that’s what we called each other in a mocking fashion. Neither of us cared much for that term, but we made it funny to each other.

My son’s father comes from a family that I have considered my own since about 1987, when they moved to this city and I’ve always had a close relationship with them, so holidays with them were cool. Still are.

I don’t remember a lot about that Thanksgiving, just that it was a good one and Christmas was pretty good too. My babydaddy was a Star Wars junkie, so when I bought him the complete Star Wars collection, he wanted to watch them all, from beginning to end. I slept quite well through them.

That would be the only actual holiday time we’d spend as a complete family. He died the following February.

My holidays went back to sucking. Within the next couple of seasons, my grandmother passed and they just got harder for me.

I think it was 2005 or so that I started drinking pretty heavily on the holiday eves. It didn’t make me feel any better. It did ensure I didn’t feel anything, til I was sober again.

That was the year I found out there were issues with my kidneys. I drank so much the night before, that I was hungover all Thanksgiving day.

I didn’t drink at all that Christmas, I wanted to though. I just wanted to be anywhere but where I was. I was excited to go to Richmond that year for my birthday. I’m in love with the east coast, you know…

The following year, I was determined to make things different. The sadness was too much to take another year, so I talked to my Dr about getting a prescription. I ended up on Celexa and it made me so sleepy, all the time.

I decided that if I was going to kick these holiday blues, I’d have to call on that Superwoman I hate being.

So last year, that’s what I did. I’m still not sure how though. I was dealing with all the regular blues and either was about to go through a breakup or was going through one. Who remembers?

Antywhoo I think that by typing all this out, I’ve answered some of my own questions in my mind, while boring you.

If you go through the same thing, you’re not alone. You can beat it too. Oh, that Celexa? I only used it one month, to get me through that season. Medicines these days have too many side effects, but sometimes you do need help. Don't be afraid to ask.

I started making myself get out and socialize. I travel quite a bit. I’m with someone who encourages me to talk about things and not hold them in. I’m striving for a better holiday season. I might even send out some baked goodies to those I wish were near.

We’ll see. I’ll let ya know, mkay?