I'm Tired

This isn't about working. This isn't about dialysis (well, I AM tired of that. Donor where are you?) What I am tired of is people having an attitude or not accepting that I am who I am.

I have been on this earth nearly 47 years and for 40 of those years, I stifled myself because there were people who never have accepted the spirited person that I am. Things I wanted to say and do, I mostly didn't, in order to meet approval that to be honest, has never really come.

I have always heard "You need to...", "Why don't you...", "you should...", things of that nature. Never once have I heard "that's nice, but if you try this, it might be even better" or "I really like the way you..."I mean really, no one does EVERYTHING wrong. I've had more acceptance from people online, who I didn't even know at first.

When I turned 40, I decided I was tired of this attempting to please shit that wasn't getting me anything but stressed and depressed. That's what happens when you try to please others, you know. You don't allow yourself to just be and just like some people will read what you post/tweet/IG and keep coming back each day because it's great advice, but they refuse to hit that "like" or "retweet" button just because it's you, people will refuse to give you any validation or positive reinforcement. I've learned to not to give a second thought to what people think about me. I honestly don't care, if I'm true to me...

So again, unapologetically, I stopped doing what others expected me to do and I began to be true to myself. I was truthful instead of sugarcoating. I wasn't purposely hurtful, but sometimes people really don't get it when you give them the light version.

Then I met this guy...he isn't hurtful, but I guarantee if you're doing something that paints yourself in a dimmer light than he sees you, he will straight up tell you about it. Yeah, I get pissed at him sometimes, but 9 out of 10, when I actually analyze, he's right.

Truth. That is something everyone claims they want, but when some folks get it, they can't handle it. So anyone who knows me, knows what happens next. I tell you the truth, you get pissed. Well don't worry about me trying to say much more than hi and bye after that.

I'm not a malicious person and if I see you in a situation where I think it could end up bad, I'll try to talk to you. If you don't want to hear me, good luck. On that same note, if you see me doing something or looking a certain way, come to me straight and don't try to hem haw around. That's just going to make me mad. If you come AT me as opposed to talking TO me, know that I've shut you out as soon as I felt the attitude.

Life is hard enough without trying to decipher the things that people "try to say without really saying". Just speak up!

And let me be

I Hate Dialysis

Brain Fog

I've been on dialysis since 2008. Most people look at me and can't tell. I try to live life as normal as before, but sometimes I just can't. I stopped writing blogs because I'd really have something to say and when I'd start writing, the words wouldn't come. It's very frustrating. I'd stopped reading so much because I'd forget what happened in the previous chapters and have to go back sometimes. It didn't happen all the time, but enough that I'd wondered if the Alzheimer's that plagued my Grandfather and his sibling (possibly siblings, I don't know enough about them to compare) was beginning to surface in me.

One particularly frustrating day, I posted a question to the Facebook Kidney group I belong to and I was SO glad I did!! Apparently it's something that happens to dialysis patients and transplant recipients and it even has a name, Kidney Brain Fog! That coupled with getting into my mid-40's, I have to write so much down just to remember these days.

I often have conversations with a co-worker and mid-sentence I'll go blank. I can look at something and not be able to quickly remember what it's called. Simple things. Like "notebook" for instance.

I have a notebook that I write in at work, so I don't forget the tasks I'm given. So very frustrating, but I keep trying.

I always had a great memory. Never forgot faces. I mean years could pass and I could recall such small details about things, people and situations. No more. I'm sure all my surgeries haven't helped either. A lot of Fentanyl has gone through my body and who knows how that will affect me in the long run.

I've always liked word games and I was good at them. Not so much anymore and again, it's frustrating. I play a lot of very common words, but I'm not playing to win. Just playing for fun. I usually keep a lot of games going because I know I need the challenge. just like trivia games. I have forgotten a lot of history facts and Trivia Crack reminds me of that. More than anything, I put together puzzles on an app I've downloaded.

I stopped taking classes, because it was hard to retain information. I've just accepted that until I'm no longer on dialysis, memory will be an issue.

I'll take it over some of the other issues I see my peers suffering from. It's embarrassing though.

Well tonight, I was talking to a good friend after playing a word that I came up with after guessing, because as hard as I tried, I couldn't find a word in any of my letters. One thing led to another and she, at some point, said I was just guessing and I agreed. It was not a big deal to me because it kept my mind busy. Well she thought that was awful and that it was kind of pointless to play without knowing what a word meant.

She made me feel absolutely stupid. She hurt my feelings so deeply, I couldn't even say anything. I just pulled my cover over my face (I was at treatment) and I just cried.(Like I'm about to again).

I quickly ended the conversation.

Having a disease that no one can see gives you limitations that no one knows or thinks about until you say something out loud. I get tired very easily. I can walk 30 minutes on a treadmill one night and the next time I'm winded and hurting after 10. It's frustrating and depressing. I thank God for others going through this also, because I can share my feelings with them and it doesn't make me feel judged. It's things like this that make me stronger, but I'll probably cry yet again tonight just because I didn't speak up...that upsets me too. My friend and I have the type of relationship that we can tell each other anything, criticism included and I know she meant no harm, but I honestly think it was the most hurtful thing that's ever been said between us.

Maybe I'm overreacting. Maybe I won't be as upset in the morning, but a word of advice...don't assume that what you see and what you know to be are always what they are. Some people find strength in trying to be as normal as possible while fighting a battle they aren't sure they can win. Sometimes we don't share our feelings because it will hurt people to know our experience, so we continue to suffer in silence.