Monday, December 31, 2012
Last night, my 44th birthday, after treatment, I ended up in the ER because my knee gave out and I fell. Turns out I have a Patella Dislocation or Subluxation. The patella is another name for the kneecap and dislocation or subluxation is determined by how far the patella moves away from its normal position.
That will be determined by an ortho specialist on Friday. Sooooo, I'm bringing in 2013 with a knee immobilizer. May have to wear it 4-6 weeks.
I have had one of the hardest losses I'll ever experience. The loss of my father. Sometimes I wonder how I've even made it this far. Other times it doesn't seem real. I know I've leaned on my rock HARD. I made a promise to myself not to lean on him so much in 2013. That's a lot of pressure for a person.
I have a hard time finding the spark I used to have. I've accepted that I may never get it back. People change.
I consciously stopped seeking a relationship (it's been a year and six months). I have been able to prioritize some things relationship-wise and I know more what I want and what I don't.
I have had many downs (surgeries) over the past year, but I've learned not to dwell on them and for the life of me, I can only vividly recall one. I thank God for that.
I found a new church home and am active in a ministry that I love.
I was able to see in concert and visit with one of my favorite voices, Phil Perry and traveled to a city I'd never been and knew no one there, in order to do it. (Loved Boston!)Met one of my SiStars (KweenKiwi) for the first time and hung out in Boston Harbor
People have shown me who they were this year and I have believed them. I came to the realization that most people do not have my back, no matter what their words say, but the people who rarely say it have shown me in full force. I pray that the people who I love, know it without a doubt, by my actions, because quite honestly I don't think I could tell them enough times to equal how I feel.
With all the diversity I have faced, I have leaned on God to help me past them and I really feel like I have come out on top and I look forward to overcoming even more in 2013.
I'm kind of envious of those who "got" God early in life. It's taken me this long to really, really see His awesomeness. My earlier life could have been so much easier, but I've learn A LOT of lessons along the way.
Thank you for reading my musings, whether you are a silent reader (say hello or leave a comment some time) or a regular commenter (Thank you Reggie).
I usually end my end of the year post with a reprint of Reason, Season, Lifetime. This year I wanted to do something different. I'm posting this clip from Pastor TD Jakes. It explains different levels of friendship.
Tuesday, December 25, 2012
Monday, December 17, 2012
Sometimes I still have a hard time because I miss him so much.
Today I choose to share with you why so many others do too.
The following was written by my nephew's Father and he read it at the funeral. When someone dies, a lot of times we tend to make the deceased some kind of near-saint. I won't say he never did wrong, we all do, but when others can see all the good the family sees, well, you've got someone real special.
And that he was...
In honoring the life of Mr. Newman, I present Trading Places.
It is with great pride that I stand before you, your family and your friends Mr. Newman and say, “I would love to trade places with you!”
Four years ago I led a group of men in a program called Moral Recognition Therapy. It was a program that challenged us to look deep inside the way we thought. In step 6 of this program there was an activity called trading places. In this activity I was to identify someone I would like to be.
I think all of us have people we admire and look up to. Whether it’s that they have something we would like to have or we think they deal with their problems easily or that they have few problems at all. We believe these people are happy. Sometimes we want to be like these people. Sometimes we would even like to trade places with them!!
When I worked on this activity I chose Mr. Newman to be the person I’d love to trade places with. It was required of me to figure out what it was about him that I liked, that I wanted or that I admired.
I had to choose four of the most important things that influenced me to choose Mr. Newman. There were many such as his looks, the way he dressed, his house, his cars and even the way he honked at you when he rode by.
But those things didn't mean as much to me as the ones that did when I dug down deeper to identify exactly what was about Mr. Newman that made him my choice to be the person I’d love to trade places with.
1) His ability to maintain a positive attitude.
2) His family ties and their strong bond.
3) His caring heart and how he enjoyed helping others.
4) His work ethic and being a working man all his life.
These four things about Mr. Newman, to me, are amazing!!!
When I look at the things that made Mr. Newman the person I would love to trade places with, I realized that these same values mean a lot to me today and are ones that I continue to work on in search of my own happiness.
You talked with a big heart!
You made a path I don’t mind following!
You gave me someone to look up to!
You were a father figure, a role model and a friend in my life!
And because of these things...I couldn't think of a better person that I’d love to trade places with!
Rest In Peace Mr. Newman!!!
Stephen Bottoms 01/27/12
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
A flower(s) just because
Being someone's "person"
Going to the lake
Calls to say goodnight
Taking an hour to actually hang up
The protective hand at the small of my back,
you know, the one the says "She's mine"
Late night drives to nowhere
Jazz or Mint Condition
Looking at the night sky
Calls to say good morning
Watching the sun set
Playing in my hair
Candlelight and Luther
Being someone's #1
Monday, December 10, 2012
I hate that I can literally stay in bed all day. Where is my energy? Actually I despise this.
I hate that I can't travel like I used to. There are so many places I'd love to go.
I hate that my body has changed so much in the past 3 years. Some for the better, but some changes prevent me from sleeping comfortably and I really don't get a good night's sleep most nights.
I freaking HATE cancer. It's evil in all forms and it takes people we love.
I hate depending on "him" so much. He's human and if something ever happened to him it would CRUSH me.
I hate I waited so long to go to the beginning of Grey's Anatomy. I'm in the 5th season getting understanding of what's going on in the 9th (so backward) LOL
I hate that it's so hard for me to throw (or give) things away. Maybe I need to go back to therapy.
I hate that I have dreams about my ex, even though I don't remember them. He and I barely even speak anymore. What is that about?
I hate that this is the best I can do after x amount of days of not posting, LOL Grrrr
I really don't hate anything except cancer, but Things I Dislike didn't work for me as a title.
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
I used to think people were exaggerating when they talked about "cuddle season". I have experienced it the past couple seasons though. It's a dang shame. Now it's one thing if you hear from someone periodically through the year. I'm not talking about them. I'm talking about the ones that you hear from like clock work, between Dec 1-31, with a marked absence on the 25th and 30th (my birthday)
You want cake? You got cake. There it is, right there
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
I'm beginning to think that I hide my feelings so well that people think I don't have any. Ok, not really. Perhaps they choose to see me as someone that doesn't really matter.
It's been nearly a year since I've heard from one particular friend. A long time friend. I never understood why he stopped calling me/returning my calls.
Then I found out he'd gotten married. The kicker is that it's almost like he doesn't want anyone to know. He never said anything on FB, he's not told any of our mutual friends and he most certainly has never said anything to me about it, nor has he ever returned my text, congratulating him.
It's like he doesn't want anyone to acknowledge it either. I don't get it.
There are YEARS of relationships/marriages, kids, jobs, etc. between us. I thought we were better than that. I don't care that he got married. What bothers me is that we really had no secrets between us before and then boom, he's married. He obviously (well I think he did) dated her for a minute before popping the question. Never a peep.
And then, months later, it happens again...
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
This is the time of the year that people usually reflect on what they've been thankful for the past year. As you know, I don't wait until November because I'm always thankful for something.
I am thankful however, so I will share.
This actually came to me a few days ago, but I wasn't sure how to articulate it until this morning.
(It's your favorite subject for me to write about Reggie, LOL)
This year I am especially thankful for love. The love of my immediate and some distant family, especially for pulling together during and after the loss of my father.
The love of alllll my Great Grandmother's children, grand-children, great-grand- children and great-great-grandchildren all coming together to celebrate her 101st birthday.
The love of the few people I call friend. Throughout my ups and downs this year. I'd be crazy to try and call names because I would never want to forget someone. Honestly, you know who you are and I am so very thankful for you.
I am thankful that I am in such a happy place that I'm not constantly praying for a mate. I am thankful that I don't have a mate, but a partner (no, not in crime and not of the same sex) that has been by my side constantly. Allowing me (brief) pity parties, to sound off, be stupid and still be there when I realize it and to be absolutely silly. Someone who makes me smile several times a day, sometimes without a single word.
Someone who has finally made me realize that a boyfriend/fiance/husband doesn't make you happy, they add to your happiness. Someone who makes me know that without a doubt, when I wake up every morning, that I am loved by another human that I'm not related to and doesn't have to love me.
Yep. For all that, I am extremely thankful.
This holiday weekend, no matter how much or how little you have, do something else for someone, even if it seems to be a small thing. You've been blessed. Be a blessing to someone else.
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Are you the type of person who will toss a little in the red buckets when you can? Do you have a toy/clothing/food drive? Do you help serve food? I don't really need to know if you do those things, but what I do want to know is if you do these things, why?
I know many good hearted people who do things just out of kindness. You rarely hear the things these people do because others knowing isn't a priority. Some (like me) prefer to do things without a bunch of fanfare. I don't feel it's necessary. I do things for others because I've seen a need and I'm in a position to do so.
What I hate is people who do good for others and then constantly talk about what they've done. I helped this person. I did this. I did that ORRRRR you volunteer to help someone out and then criticize what they do afterward. Ok, you helped someone. No one twisted your arm. No one forced you to. Not even the person you're helping. So because you helped this person, does that give you the right to try and control their life? I mean a little guidance is one thing, but to criticize their every move, is that what giving is really about?
Then when the person you've resolved to help, doesn't do things the way you want them to, is it right to dog them out to everyone who will listen?
My next pet peeve is liars. I despise a liar. I mean either tell the truth or don't say anything at all. What irks me even more is a bad liar. I mean nothing makes me madder than someone trying to insult my intelligence by telling me a lie in the first place, then forgetting what they told me, and scrambling when they have to recall what they originally said. Man, miss me with that.
Why do people feel the need to lie in the first place? Don't thier ignorant butts know that as adults, truth rules?
Is it really that necessary to try and impress someone? Or make someone feel sorry for them?
I guess they don't realize it all comes back and the truth eventually comes out.
In my book, cheaters are in the same category as liars.
That's all for now...Never know what I'll write about, huh? Me neither, LOL. I sure do love this song though...
Sunday, November 11, 2012
I don't think I'll ever get used to seeing my Dad's name on a headstone.
This wasn't the deal. I decided back in my teenage years that everyone in my family would be on some great road trip and we'd get in a crash and we'd all die at the same time. Anything else would be unfair.
Well, that ain't the way things happen...
Yesterday I went to a Donor Sabbath Celebration, which is basically a ceremony for the families of donors and recipients of donated organs.
For a long time prior to it starting, I thought my Dad was the only donor of color. I was happy to see a couple more trickle in, closer to start time.
I wasn't sure what to expect. I'd never heard of these kinds of things. Other people in my family were either too far away or had prior obligations, so there I was.
There were bagpipes (thank God we were inside and they were out!), a responsive reading and 3 speakers. A double lung recipient, a mother whose daughter was a donor and son was a recipient (I was bawling by the end of her story) and a transplant doctor.
The mother explained how she came home one day and her 19 year old son was in the middle of a heart attack. They rushed him to the hospital and they were able to put some device in him and during the time they were dealing with issues from the son's condition, their daughter was in a boating accident and because her death was immediate, she was unable to be an organ donor, but was able to be a tissue donor and she helped 5 people. The family filled out the necessary paperwork on the son and just FOUR days after it was turned in, he was called. A heart was found!
During this time, the son's fiance was pregnant and their son was born within the first year after the transplant. They were able to enjoy him for 3 years before he died, leaving his parents with no children and his fiance and son with no husband-to-be or father.
They honored the donors by speaking their name out loud and showing a slide presentation, showing the donors faces. When my Dad's slide came up, I could only smile.
By the time I got to the car however, all I could do was cry. I'm not sure if I want to know who received my dad's eyes. I don't know if I were able to look into them, who I would see.
I was glad that I had made plans to go to the movies with some family and friends. I needed the distraction. We went to see Flight. It was good...
Today I went out to the cemetery after church, it being Veteran's Day and all. Not thinking that he's buried in a National Cemetery and that there would be a ceremony today. When I got there it was a small scale of chaos, but I got in without incident. As I began the drive to the section, the radio show I was listening to started playing Stairway to Heaven and I almost hit the brakes where I was. I made it to the site though.
I was very windy, so I zipped my jacket and was off to the grave site. I was shocked at how many rows had been added since he was buried.
When I got to the headstone, I was appalled when I realized I didn't have a flag, flowers, nothing. Just me. (That pic is from Memorial Day) I guess seeing his name on a headstone makes it really real that he's gone. Since I didn't have any flowers, I cleaned off the headstone with some tissue I had brought. I could see grass stuck on it from when the grass had been cut. I thought, if my Dad was the one cutting grass, he would never have left that there. He would've blown the grass off the headstones, with a leaf blower. I didn't stop until it was white again. When the tears started falling, I thought I'd better go back to the car. I knew what was coming.
After these visits, I usually have uncontrollable crying fits where I take short hiccups of breath and then zone out. In hindsight, maybe I should have someone else drive...
I mean I don't drive crazy or anything. I actually drive pretty slow. The thing is, I'll get home and only remember part of the drive.
Next, one or two things happen. I get a headache or my stomach is in knots. Tonight it was the latter. Now, when the only place I want to be is safe in someone's arms, maybe still shedding tears, maybe just watching a movie and "being", of course that's just a daydream. My reality is that I'm waiting to go to dialysis, where the only thing hugging me will be my chair.
Such is life..
Saturday, November 10, 2012
You tell yourself that if you ever get the opportunity to have that one kiss, that you can get them out of your head. I didn't say you think it would happen. You just tell yourself that.
The reality that you know, is that just that one kiss will ignite a fire bigger than life.
You know that you would never want it to end at just one kiss anyway.
Not this one.
Your feelings have been too long.
The desire for other relationships have been all but completely muted.
You don't know where it would end up if pursued. You don't know if it worked out, if it would be amazing. you dont know if it didn't work out, would you be completely devastated.
So what do you do?
Climb back into bed, pull up the cover and sleep, so you can dream about just one kiss...
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
Secondly, I am in the right mindset again to get this weight loss in gear. It took a little time, but I'm back. Been doing it almost 2 weeks and my clothes are already more loose around the waist. I am taking baby steps and will celebrate every 10 lbs. lost, in a small way. (a new lip gloss or eyeshadow, something like that).
Thirdly, can somebody, ANYBODY tell me WHYYYYYYYYY do people who have had stillborn babies enjoy sharing pictures? I am a very compassionate person and I understand that people deal with loss in different ways, but I DO NOT WANT TO SEE YOUR DECEASED BABY!!! I don't care how cute the outfit is that he/she has on. I just don't get it. Maybe I need someone to help me understand...
And while I'm at it, I don't want to see the baby with thousands of ant bites, rare skin disease, tumor protruding out of the head or abused. Really, I don't want to see anyone (or any animal) with these things and I don't appreciate seeing them in my FB timeline. You can still be a compassionate and caring person and not click "like" every time you see one.
Lastly, if you didn't vote, I'd be interested in knowing why....
To all my readers who were affected by Hurricane Sandy, we're praying for you here in the midwest.
One more thought...who decided it was a great idea to take their dogs EVERYWHERE? It's 40 degrees outside and people are riding around with their window down so their dog can hang out. Don't say it's because a dog is like family either because I don't see any cats riding dirty!
Saturday, November 3, 2012
Not really doing anything at the moment.
Just got back from taking the kid to get his hair twisted and I'm really sitting here chilling and listening to my stomach protest my decision to eat only when I'm hungry. LOL Stubborn bastid!
I just ate a couple of the 100 calorie packs, so it's not like I'm starving.
Last night I was thinking about a personalized story I wrote for my friend for his birthday a few years back. It was fun. I didn't post it anywhere, I just did a little creative writing. I'm thinking about doing it again. Who knows.
I've been seeing Air Wick ads around FB and I really like the stills, so I bought one today. I was so mesmerized that I filmed the color changes, LOL.
So, presenting my first personal video I've posted. Now don't fall in love with my scraggly, incredibly nasally voice, you hear? LOL!
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
In the past couple of months I have fluctuated from feeling really good, to not being able to get through the whole work day without slipping out to the car for an (lunch) hour nap. Come to find out, my iron levels had be a little high so they stopped giving iron to me at dialysis as well as stopped my Epogen.
It caused overwhelming tiredness, which I just thought was related to my treatments. If I sat too long at my desk, I fell asleep. If I was in another office talking to a co-worker, I fell asleep. When I got off work, I walked in the door, stripped and got into bed. Woke up around 8, ate and went back to sleep for the night. This lovely cycle assisted me in gaining a few pounds back. I was also irritable at work when I wasn't sleepy and I really temporarily forgot how to be sociable and at the time, I didn't know why I was acting that way.
Someone "blamed" it on me just being a woman.
Trust me, ish is real...keep reading everything I experience is highlighted
Mild iron deficiency anemia may not cause noticeable symptoms. If anemia is severe, symptoms may include:
Weakness, fatigue, or lack of stamina.
Shortness of breath during exercise.
Craving substances that are not food (pica). In particular, a craving for ice can be a sign of iron deficiency anemia <-----I live with this one daily Rapid heartbeat.
Brittle fingernails and toenails.
Smooth, sore tongue.
Muscle pain during exercise.
If you experience any combination of these, go see your doctor ASAP!
Oh and be safe and aware out there tonight!
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
I just read an article that Sherman Hemsley (George Jefferson) has not been buried yet. There was an alleged half brother that popped up and his supposed closest relative was out of the loop of facts surrounding his death, just a bunch of mess.
I don't understand what any of it has to do with his burial though. They did the same thing with James Brown. They can fight over the estate all they want, but BURY THE MAN!!!
The coroner can do an autopsy and save DNA samples to test the authenticity of the half brother, but there is no logical reason to keep him refrigerated until all of this can be resolved.
Greed makes people crazy. The Estate is supposedly only worth $50,000, let it go people, let it go! Sheesh!
Friday, October 19, 2012
I don't even know where to start. I've got so much going through my head.
I guess I'll start with the fact that we finally finished getting out all we needed from my Dad's house. The power, gas and water are off and there's no real reason to go over there anymore. I pass it every day to go to work and for the past 27 years, every time I pass that street, I turn to look down at the house. It used to be to see if my Dad was there, then it was to see who was there period, now it's out of habit.
I did a final walk through and took pictures. I've got no recollection of ever seeing it empty before because I was 3 when we moved there. It has that empty house echo and strangley enough, I do have a memory of that from when we moved in. I looked out the kitchen window and the area where my dog used to be when I was growing up is overgrown with weeds and looks like a jungle. For once, the back patio doesn't have grills, landscape equipment or a car sitting on it. The garage could actually fit two cars in it now, though in my mind a gang of stray cats, wayward raccoons or possums have moved in, so I stay out of it).
It's hard. 40 years of memories. 40 years...
This year has been so hard. Really, it has been difficult for me since the week before my birthday last year. It's been hard for me healthwise. I can't decide if the first year I was on dialysis was harder or this year is. I've definitely had more surgeries in this year than what I previously had my whole lifetime.
For a while there I was having at least one surgery a month, starting the day after the funeral. The recovery time really messed with my exercise schedule. I've gained back some of the weight I previously lost, but I have to get motivated to lose it again, so I can get off this mess. When everything in you is telling you that you can't do it, it's hard to get going again and make yourself believe you can.
I have become withdrawn to the point that sometimes I have a hard time remembering how to be sociable. That's huge for me. I used to be a social butterfly. Always making people laugh. I want my joy back. Sometimes I almost find it, but I'm having a hard time keeping it. Ironically, my pastor is preaching on finding your joy this month. Whatever he says, it definitely won't hurt my journey.
I feel like this A LOT these days.
I MISS BEING LOVED!!! I'm not talking about by friends, but I miss having a romantic sweetheart! I was very content in my singleness most of the summer and I enjoy my own company, but I miss random kisses, warm hugs (<---those are THE BEST) and someone telling me he loves me for no special reason. I really don't think I'm ready though. I'm emotionally all over the place.
I have been blocking exes and igging (slang for ignoring) people left and right because a few of them want to try to insert slick suggestive comments, I guess to see if I'm receptive to them. I really don't have the patience for married flirts and people who know their ship has sailed. I used to mainly ignore it. Now I have no tolerance for all that flirting even in jest. Take your azz on home!
I love my blog. I can type everything that I'm feeling and not one person will interrupt me and tell me I have no right to feel the way I do, stop having a pity party or stop complaining. I don't care who you are, everyone is entitled to feel each of those ways every once in awhile. It's called being human.
I don't care if no one else reads this, I have gotten it all off my chest.
Woo and Sahhhhh!
Thursday, October 18, 2012
If you are offended by strong language, you probably want to skip this...
****Written during Domestic Abuse Awareness Month****
He promised he'd never leave me. Take care of and cherish me, because he loves me.
Bitch! Whore! Slut! He didn't mean it though, because he loves me.
He threatened to kill me, but he loves me.
He got me ice when he blackened my eye, because he loves me.
He held my hand when they sucked my dead baby out of me, because he loves me.
He didn't mean to push me down those steps. I know, because he loves me.
He even picked up my prescription for that "thing" he gave me, because he loves me.
He doesn't want to meet my family because he loves ME.
I know he's fucking her, but its because she throws herself at him. HE-LOVES-ME.
He slammed me against the wall and I can't get up, but deep down I know he loves me.
I'm in a coma and he's not here. He must not have a way here, I know he loves me.
I'm gone and he didn't even come to the funeral. I guess he didn't love me.
Unpublished work © 2009 D. Newman
Sunday, October 14, 2012
Let me start off by saying I have trust issues. I acknowledge that. I have put my trust in so many people who have come back to bite me in the butt, that I just don't freely give up me, in any way, shape or form, unless I really trust you. Now what I might do is give you just enough that might seem gossipworthy and see if I end up hearing it again and if I do, you won't know. I won't front you (unless you add to it). I just won't mess with you because I see what you're about. What will frustrate me though, is others putting all their trust in you and I already know you ain't ish.
It's not my place to tell everyone you ain't about nothing because for all I know, you only treated me the way you did.
Now about this caculated depression... What exactly is that? It's when someone (usually an attention whore, oh, you don't know what that is either? An attention whore is someone who thrives on the attention of others) "stages" depression so that others' concern about them is intensified.
Where is it seen? Usually on social media sites like Facebook and Twitter.
How do you recognize it? People who do this kind of thing, build up to their depression by telling all the things that are going wrong in their life. No matter how much other people pray for them and try to help them by sending whatever they are lacking, it never seems to be enough and then one day they announce to the world that they are depressed or say something crazy and then disappear.
Now this usually doesn't last much longer than a week because they need constant attention, but people who haven't experienced this won't recognize it and will fall for the okey-doke, but someone who's done it or has seen it happen, will see it coming and can almost predict the day it's going down.
I have a former friend, who will of course remain nameless, that used to pull this all the time in her LDR. I observed it a couple of times before I called her on it.
When I called her on it, she confessed that it was a tactic that she used to make him "act right". When she felt she wasn't getting the attention she thought she should get, she'd start acting extra needy and if he didn't respond the way she wanted him to she would disappear. She wouldn't get online "officially". Trick was, she still needed attention, so she had an another account that he didn't know about and no one but her closest friends knew it was her and she would feed that need that way. She wouldn't answer his calls, wouldn't respond to his texts or emails in the name of depression.
After aboout 7 days, she knew he was worried sick about her and she began taking calls again. Well he would be so happy to hear from her again that he didn't even realize he was getting played each time.
Once I figured out this thing she did, I kind of started paying attention to how she would manipulate people and she quickly became a person I didn't mess with.
I see this calculated depression on Facebook often and it's not limited to young or old, male or female (though it's usually female) and I just wish that people would open their eyes and call them on it.
Bottom line, if you're truly depressed, you don't have to say it, if you have to announce it, I'm suspect. I mean the people closest to you can tell something is "off" even when you lie and say you're fine.
I might be wrong though, so I hope no one's life ever depends on me.
Friday, October 12, 2012
First of all, this post is not about any one person in particular, so if you feel like it's about you, then perhaps you need to check yourself. Secondly, it's (mostly) not gender specific because things happen both ways.
Making a kid (or kids) and just walking away is like planting a garden and never tending it. You not tending it doesn't stop it from growing. The weeds take over and sometimes choke the life out of the plants, but some plants are stronger and are able to flourish, despite. Surely not as well as if someone had pruned it and pulled the weeds in the first place.
In other words, though you may not have ever been in your child's life, YOU STILL AFFECT THEM. Some fight, some get busy, some just have severe emotional issues, while you live your life.
I guess I don't understand how someone can just do that. What goes through your mind when you see that child? Were you always that kind of person or did you just turn into that kind of person? Why do you think it's cool to play house with a new girl or guy's kids when you have never done right for your own?
Oh, let me not forget the parent that is there and doesn't do anything. Guess what? You might as well not be there. What good are you really? You are there taking up space, taking up the time, space, food and probably the money of the other parent. The same goes if one of your parents is doing for your child and you're doing nothing.
Get yo life!
Now I can hear all the uh uh's and tell it's! Not so fast...
The exact same thing can be said for some of the absentee mothers I've seen. Just because your kids live in your house, doesn't mean you're a good mom. If you move your man of the month into your place, you're not putting your kids first. If you're bringing (or living with) your drug dealing man, you're opening his lifestyle up to you and your kids, come on now...If you're always having your older kids watch your younger kids so you can go out, you're not doing that great a job. If you raise your kids until they are teens and then you let them raise themselves, you aren't doing that great a job. I've seen some of you just give your kids up to their father. Great for him and boo for you.
Parenting begins in pregnancy and it never really ends, so if you just stop, you're really doing your child an injustice. If you never started, well, you just suck.
Yeah, I knew there would be little to no co-signers...
Thursday, October 11, 2012
I can't lie, I've created some profiles before, just to see who they would find that was so perfect for me.
First of all, let me say this, dating black and hispanic men are my preferences, but I'm not opposed to other races if their other factors are what I am also interested in, but the guys they "matched" me with? WHY did they all look like they were from the sex offenders list?
Why couldn't 1 brown person be included in the listing? That was 5+ years ago. Back when Blackplanet was popular, I actually met a couple good guys from there that I'm still really good friends with, but my days of the online sites are over.
Or so I thought...
I let my friend talk me into trying one more site. Just for a month. So I could find a "good, Christian man".
Now I know my standards are not sky high and an average brotha can impress me just as much as the above average, but er uhhhh.
The first two that contacted me were Nigerians. Both with sad stories of being widowed *seriously?* and left to raise younger children *what!? NO!*
Both, within 2 messages were asking for my phone number and talking about meeting. *HELL NO!*
Within 3 messages speaking of marriage. The Lord told them that I was the one. Can I get your last name first? *sheesh*
Then there were the two men who were both older than my father. *ilk*
Then there was the guy ON THE CHRISTIAN SITE with the name Candylicker O_O.
Every single day I was appalled, while my best friend was thoroughly entertained *scrub*
It didn't take long for me to know that the site was NOT for me!
Everyone had a ministry, no one had a church and everyone was talking marriage in the initial contact. NO THANK YOU!
Shall I talk about the holy penile chord picture my friend received?
I thought not...
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
I’m not going to do something out of character in a moment of boredom. Wait, maybe I will. Depends on what it is, because I have been known to do that before. But you can pretty much bank on it that you won’t see weave or crazy nails on me.
So when I saw these nails on a post this morning, I thought *and I quote Silk the Stinger* What in the ice blue hell? What would make someone get up in the morning and decide “Oh, an eyeball with lashes would be soooo cute!”
It’s not. In fact, it’s downright creepy. Maybe for Halloween, but Ew. Ew. Ew!
Don’t take my word for it, take a look for yourself.
Oh and bf, these nails and ish? THESE are extra! LOL
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
I'm not sure why, but I was reflecting on my most recent past relationship when I woke up this morning. Not so much on the person, but the experience.
Oh, now I remember...No matter how old some people get, they never really mature. I think this is a big part of failed friendships and relationships. Back in the 50's and 60's people married early and were taught to be responsible adults and somewhere along the way, that got lost on a lot of people.
What does paragraph one have to do with paragraph two? What does it have to do with the title? I promise I'll tie them together, LOL.
The last guy I dated was a very popular guy. He had a huge presence online and an even bigger one in real life. I'm still not sure how we ended up together. I know a lot of people, but I don't see myself as popular.
Anyway, a couple of things that I noticed during that relationship are that his popularity shot mine up I started getting all kinds of friend requests, especially from women. The reality of it though is that they were mostly befriending me to get closer to him (there's the maturity thing or lack of, so high school). I knew what it was about, so I generally didn't add them. Those I did, I watched like a father that has a 14 year old girl that looks 28!
The flip side to that is that I had women who despised me because I was with him. They wouldn't speak when we were together, they would speak and would afterward promptly ignore me or they'd be sweet as pie and talk about me like two dogs afterward (How do I know? People have no loyalty these days either).
Did I bring these things up to him? Yes I did. What did he say? Oh you're grown, handle that. When it came to a point that I did handle a stank situation, then I was wrong.
I could only deal with so much of that cycle before I walked away. The day I decided I'd had enough I think he was stunned because that's just not the kind of thing he's used to. No one walks away from the popular guy.
Well I did. Some days I miss being in a relationship, then I remember that experience and get over it. Honestly, when you're in a relationship with the popular guy, you're kind of in a relationship with all his cronies too because someone is always there, hanging on his coat tails.
And really, I don't think he'd have it any other way...
I have a few Facebook friends who have similar followings. I refuse to even comment on most of their statuses because I don't want to look like one of their Facebook groupies, I mean fans. In fact, I usually tease them because it's obvious each woman posts something to make it appear as if they have a deeper, more personal friendship (so mature).
Y'all can have all that fanfare. I'll take my personal, less known, REAL friendship over that mess any day and let folks speculate the nature of it. They'll come up with a story more interesting than the truth anyway.
Sunday, October 7, 2012
I guess I still get PMS without the M *shrug*.
I was fine until I got to church. I dropped and broke the spine of the bible my kids and I bought my Dad one year. That upset me a little, but I picked it up and kept going. I get in and I get seated and comfortable and I speak to my cousin who I sat next to. The Praise and Worship team is up front and I glance to the other side of my cousin and see her sister, who actually belongs to another church. As the service goes on, oblivious to my surroundings before, I realize that I'm sitting in the midst of all the siblings but one, some of who live out of town.
I realize later that they are dedicating the remodeled restrooms in my Aunt's name. I'm snapping pictures and I can't wait til church is over so I can go to my Dad's and show them to him.....
Except he's gone. I don't know if I was upset because he's gone, because I momentarily forgot or both. Man I miss my Dad! It's been almost 9 months since he left this earth...
Ironically, the message today was how to walk in the joy of the Holy Spirit. I needed to find my joy. Oh how I needed to find it.
The scripture lesson was Matthew 6:25-33 (NRSV)
Do Not Worry
25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life[a]?
28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.
Rev. Freeman said that to walk in the joy, you must do these 4 things...
2. Know the word of God (you know through studying)
3. Find a spiritual partner-someone who you can pray with and can lift you up when you're going through something.
4. Shut your mouth. There is power in your words and the moment you give in to complaining, the devil will use your words against you.
He said that if you feel like you just aren't getting anywhere, like you don't have anything, it's because you have not been a good steward over the things that God has already given you. If your goal in life is to keep up with the Joneses and live outside your means, you'll never get ahead. Be your own Jones.
You will find your joy right where you are.
Saturday, October 6, 2012
I mean yeah, I'm blessed and I have family, but don't you dare tell me how I can and cannot feel despite the facts.
It just crept up on me tonight. I was having a pretty chill day and chose to not do much else but play my Facebook games and listen to the The Soul FM/Urbansoulz Radio shows. Somewhere in the midst of all this, I realized that I am pretty much invisible.
If someone needs advice or something, then I'm in demand, but as far as anyone just hitting me up just because? It's a rare occurrence.
I'm one of those people who can experience extreme loneliness in a room full of people, so it's nothing to experience it all alone.
Sometimes I wonder if this quest for meaningful relationships is worth it. Nah, I know it is, but damn a sista gets lonely sometimes.
This song truly sums up how I'm feeling tonight and I couldn't listen to the first stanza without shedding tears.
Hope you're faring better than I am.
Have a good evening.
Friday, October 5, 2012
I tell you...I'm not going to say that I was always a truth teller, because I wasn't. Somewhere around 18 though, I found I wasn't really that good at it. I would lie to my dad and he'd come back with the truth EVERY DANG TIME. So at that point, I found it pointless to lie about anything.
That's probably around the time that I started being extra sensitive to people though, not wanting to hurt their feelings. If they'd ask for the truth, I'd tell them half. I didn't think they could handle the truth. That wasn't really lying right? That was just not telling it all.
Fast forward 22 years. I hit 40 and the truth and I mean the REAL truth started coming out. Whether I wanted it to or not. I don't know what happened, but suddenly to my dismay, things that I would think in my head would be coming out of my mouth before I knew it!
Well I'm 43 now and I embrace it. No one wonders what I'm thinking. When people ask for advice, they get it raw and most of them appreciate that. There are still some folks that can't handle the truth, but guess what? Not my fault.
Which brings me to this...why are so many adults still lying about simple things? I have never in my life come across such liars! Seems like some folks are making up for lost time *smh* I have been lied to and on so much in the last 3 years, it's not even funny.
Even when I had concrete proof of the truth, I got blamed because the other person(s) were such good liars. I just don't understand it. Why do people feel they have to lie about basic things? Everyone is not the same. Some will have more than you, some will have less and some will be right with you. Everyone is not going to like everything about you, nor you them. Accept it and keep it moving.
Wherever you are, own it! You may not have much, don't lie about it. Talk to someone who has more than you. Ask them what advice do they have to help you up. The average person doesn't mind. It's usually the asses who have everything that think there's no room for anyone else at "the top".
Funny thing, I catch people in so many lies it's not even funny. Sometimes I go looking for the truth, but most of the time it falls right into my lap. I think it's God showing me things because I'm not that great of a detective. A lot of people won't understand that.
Most of the time I don't call people on their lies. I just sit back and watch and listen to them stack up. What I will do now is I will not mess with them like I did before. Why should I? If they'll lie about themselves, they will surely lie about me. Why give them a chance?
As I listen to the lies spill from their mouths, I zone out (they don't usually notice my eyes glaze over) and a la Ally McBeal style, I stop the conversation in my head and scream "YOU AIN'T GOT TO LIE CRAIG, YOU AIN'T GOT TO LIE!!!"
One of my favorite movie lines to quote! LOL
Thursday, September 20, 2012
There is a bunch of them! The craziest possible side effects to me are that you may sleepwalk. You may get in your car and drive somewhere. You may unknowingly have sex with someone and have NO RECOLLECTION in the morning!
Thankfully, the only thing I have to deal with is being sleepy the following day and the dreams I have while taking it.
Oh the dreams. I have had some crazy ones. Most I can't remember much of. The one I had last night was about one of my exes.
I was hanging out with 2 other women. Neither of which I know. In the dream, I knew one of them. Now we don't live in the same city, so I thought it was funny that in this dream, we went to his house. He wasn't home, but I still had a key.
We went in the house and sat at the kitchen table and talked for awhile and the girl I knew wanted to lay down. So I showed her where the bedroom was. When I came back to the kitchen, the other girl was putting his things in her pockets.
I said "Really?" I bring you here and you want to steal? Rachet wench!
Well before I really get a chance to lay into her, he comes in with his new girlfriend. I don't recognize her, but they are playing around. She had jumped on his back and that's how they came into the house.
He was surprised to see me, to say the least. He sent the girlfriend to chill in his room and he sent the other girl back there too. We sat and talked in the kitchen for hours. I asked him if he wasn't going to talk to his company and he said "She'll be alright".
Well guess what? I get an invite to connect on LinkdIn today!!! What's that about?
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Friday, September 7, 2012
Thursday, August 30, 2012
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Monday, August 13, 2012
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
Graphic originally posted by Unemotional Cole on FB
The Cole Family will have a memorial in Gene EbonyPoet Cole memory at Woody's Funeral Home, 163 Oakwood Avenue, Orange, NJ at 2 pm. There will be no viewing. The memorial will be Saturday, August 11, 2012 @ 2 pm.
I first became friends with Gene on Yahoo! 360. He was my Freckle Faced Giant. A real sweetheart and a talented poet. With the demise of 360, we still managed to keep in touch throughout the years, but things were never the same as back then, still, he will be missed.
You just take for granted that people are going to be there and my heart broke when I saw the R.I.P. messages attached to his name.
In all our talks, I know without a doubt, that he loved his babies. My heart goes out to them because I know what it feels like.
Again, you will be missed...
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Honor is unstable and seldom the same; for she feeds upon opinion, and is as fickle as her food. - Charles Caleb ColtonThese are two things that there seems to be very little of these days. People aren't just "selling" theirs for a price, they give it away for free. I have been watching FB timelines periodically this week and it seems it is the season for relationships ending, be it a friendship or a full fledged relationship. The leading cause seems to be a lack of loyalty and dishonor for the relationship. It seems to me that once you commit to a friendship/relationship with someone, you're true to it and you don't end it without a fight. It has always puzzled me how a person could go on and on about what you mean to them and how they can't live without you and next thing you know, they have buddied up with someone else and left you without explanation. Especially someone they'd previously had a problem with. I mean honestly, a REAL man or woman would feel the need to have a little talk and tell you things from their perspective. I think that it's terrible to be in someone's life in nearly every capacity and then just walk away with no explanation. A punk move, even. Even more of a punk move is walking away after someone has opened up to you with their honest feelings, whether it be something about themselves, you or someone else. I mean, if you can't handle the truth, say that. Most people can't. I suppose these days it is to be expected and just a way of life. It still sucks.