Just my thoughts...

Just my thoughts...
The randomness that is I

Monday, December 31, 2012

Goodbye 2012

What a year, what a year! The year started off in the ER. My blood pressure bottomed out at the end of my treatment on 12/31/11 and I ended up bringing the new year in a hospital bed.

Last night, my 44th birthday, after treatment, I ended up in the ER because my knee gave out and I fell. Turns out I have a Patella Dislocation or Subluxation. The patella is another name for the kneecap and dislocation or subluxation is determined by how far the patella moves away from its normal position.

That will be determined by an ortho specialist on Friday. Sooooo, I'm bringing in 2013 with a knee immobilizer. May have to wear it 4-6 weeks.

I have had one of the hardest losses I'll ever experience. The loss of my father. Sometimes I wonder how I've even made it this far. Other times it doesn't seem real. I know I've leaned on my rock HARD. I made a promise to myself not to lean on him so much in 2013. That's a lot of pressure for a person.


I have a hard time finding the spark I used to have. I've accepted that I may never get it back. People change.

I consciously stopped seeking a relationship (it's been a year and six months). I have been able to prioritize some things relationship-wise and I know more what I want and what I don't.

I have had many downs (surgeries) over the past year, but I've learned not to dwell on them and for the life of me, I can only vividly recall one. I thank God for that.

I found a new church home and am active in a ministry that I love.

I was able to see in concert and visit with one of my favorite voices, Phil Perry and traveled to a city I'd never been and knew no one there, in order to do it. (Loved Boston!)Met one of my SiStars (KweenKiwi) for the first time and hung out in Boston Harbor



People have shown me who they were this year and I have believed them. I came to the realization that most people do not have my back, no matter what their words say, but the people who rarely say it have shown me in full force. I pray that the people who I love, know it without a doubt, by my actions, because quite honestly I don't think I could tell them enough times to equal how I feel.

With all the diversity I have faced, I have leaned on God to help me past them and I really feel like I have come out on top and I look forward to overcoming even more in 2013.

I'm kind of envious of those who "got" God early in life. It's taken me this long to really, really see His awesomeness. My earlier life could have been so much easier, but I've learn A LOT of lessons along the way.

Thank you for reading my musings, whether you are a silent reader (say hello or leave a comment some time) or a regular commenter (Thank you Reggie).

I usually end my end of the year post with a reprint of Reason, Season, Lifetime. This year I wanted to do something different. I'm posting this clip from Pastor TD Jakes. It explains different levels of friendship.








Tuesday, December 25, 2012

December 25, 2012

A very Merry Christmas from my family to yours!

Remember that Christmas is the celebrations of our Savior's birth, no matter when He was actually born!

Monday, December 17, 2012

Happy Birthday in Heaven

Today marks my Dad's 66th birthday, his first in Heaven.

Sometimes I still have a hard time because I miss him so much.

Today I choose to share with you why so many others do too.

The following was written by my nephew's Father and he read it at the funeral. When someone dies, a lot of times we tend to make the deceased some kind of near-saint. I won't say he never did wrong, we all do, but when others can see all the good the family sees, well, you've got someone real special.

And that he was...


In honoring the life of Mr. Newman, I present Trading Places.

It is with great pride that I stand before you, your family and your friends Mr. Newman and say, “I would love to trade places with you!”

Four years ago I led a group of men in a program called Moral Recognition Therapy. It was a program that challenged us to look deep inside the way we thought. In step 6 of this program there was an activity called trading places. In this activity I was to identify someone I would like to be.

I think all of us have people we admire and look up to. Whether it’s that they have something we would like to have or we think they deal with their problems easily or that they have few problems at all. We believe these people are happy. Sometimes we want to be like these people. Sometimes we would even like to trade places with them!!


When I worked on this activity I chose Mr. Newman to be the person I’d love to trade places with. It was required of me to figure out what it was about him that I liked, that I wanted or that I admired.

I had to choose four of the most important things that influenced me to choose Mr. Newman. There were many such as his looks, the way he dressed, his house, his cars and even the way he honked at you when he rode by.

But those things didn't mean as much to me as the ones that did when I dug down deeper to identify exactly what was about Mr. Newman that made him my choice to be the person I’d love to trade places with.

1) His ability to maintain a positive attitude.
2) His family ties and their strong bond.
3) His caring heart and how he enjoyed helping others.
4) His work ethic and being a working man all his life.

These four things about Mr. Newman, to me, are amazing!!!


When I look at the things that made Mr. Newman the person I would love to trade places with, I realized that these same values mean a lot to me today and are ones that I continue to work on in search of my own happiness.

You talked with a big heart!
You made a path I don’t mind following!
You gave me someone to look up to!
You were a father figure, a role model and a friend in my life!
And because of these things...I couldn't think of a better person that I’d love to trade places with!

Rest In Peace Mr. Newman!!!

Stephen Bottoms 01/27/12

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

I Miss

I miss...


Hugs


Holding hands


A flower(s) just because


Being someone's "person"


Going to the lake


Calls to say goodnight


Taking an hour to actually hang up


The protective hand at the small of my back,
you know, the one the says "She's mine"


Late night drives to nowhere


Jazz or Mint Condition


Looking at the night sky





Calls to say good morning


Watching the sun set


Playing in my hair


Candlelight and Luther


Being someone's #1



Love notes


Kisses

Monday, December 10, 2012

Things I Hate


I hate that I can literally stay in bed all day. Where is my energy? Actually I despise this.

I hate that I can't travel like I used to. There are so many places I'd love to go.

I hate that my body has changed so much in the past 3 years. Some for the better, but some changes prevent me from sleeping comfortably and I really don't get a good night's sleep most nights.

I freaking HATE cancer. It's evil in all forms and it takes people we love.

I hate depending on "him" so much. He's human and if something ever happened to him it would CRUSH me.

I hate I waited so long to go to the beginning of Grey's Anatomy. I'm in the 5th season getting understanding of what's going on in the 9th (so backward) LOL

I hate that it's so hard for me to throw (or give) things away. Maybe I need to go back to therapy.

I hate that I have dreams about my ex, even though I don't remember them. He and I barely even speak anymore. What is that about?

I hate that this is the best I can do after x amount of days of not posting, LOL Grrrr

I really don't hate anything except cancer, but Things I Dislike didn't work for me as a title.

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Cake Cake Cake Cake

Yup, cake. More specifically birthday cake. If you don't know what that is, or if you think you know what it is, check urbandictionary.com to verify.

I used to think people were exaggerating when they talked about "cuddle season". I have experienced it the past couple seasons though. It's a dang shame. Now it's one thing if you hear from someone periodically through the year. I'm not talking about them. I'm talking about the ones that you hear from like clock work, between Dec 1-31, with a marked absence on the 25th and 30th (my birthday)

Whateva.

You want cake? You got cake. There it is, right there


\/\/\/\/\/

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

So Many Secrets


I'm beginning to think that I hide my feelings so well that people think I don't have any. Ok, not really. Perhaps they choose to see me as someone that doesn't really matter.

It's been nearly a year since I've heard from one particular friend. A long time friend. I never understood why he stopped calling me/returning my calls.

Then I found out he'd gotten married. The kicker is that it's almost like he doesn't want anyone to know. He never said anything on FB, he's not told any of our mutual friends and he most certainly has never said anything to me about it, nor has he ever returned my text, congratulating him.

It's like he doesn't want anyone to acknowledge it either. I don't get it.

There are YEARS of relationships/marriages, kids, jobs, etc. between us. I thought we were better than that. I don't care that he got married. What bothers me is that we really had no secrets between us before and then boom, he's married. He obviously (well I think he did) dated her for a minute before popping the question. Never a peep.

And then, months later, it happens again...

WTH?

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

So Thankful



This is the time of the year that people usually reflect on what they've been thankful for the past year. As you know, I don't wait until November because I'm always thankful for something.

I am thankful however, so I will share.

This actually came to me a few days ago, but I wasn't sure how to articulate it until this morning.

(It's your favorite subject for me to write about Reggie, LOL)

Yep. Love.

This year I am especially thankful for love. The love of my immediate and some distant family, especially for pulling together during and after the loss of my father.

The love of alllll my Great Grandmother's children, grand-children, great-grand- children and great-great-grandchildren all coming together to celebrate her 101st birthday.

The love of the few people I call friend. Throughout my ups and downs this year. I'd be crazy to try and call names because I would never want to forget someone. Honestly, you know who you are and I am so very thankful for you.

I am thankful that I am in such a happy place that I'm not constantly praying for a mate. I am thankful that I don't have a mate, but a partner (no, not in crime and not of the same sex) that has been by my side constantly. Allowing me (brief) pity parties, to sound off, be stupid and still be there when I realize it and to be absolutely silly. Someone who makes me smile several times a day, sometimes without a single word.

Someone who has finally made me realize that a boyfriend/fiance/husband doesn't make you happy, they add to your happiness. Someone who makes me know that without a doubt, when I wake up every morning, that I am loved by another human that I'm not related to and doesn't have to love me.

Yep. For all that, I am extremely thankful.

This holiday weekend, no matter how much or how little you have, do something else for someone, even if it seems to be a small thing. You've been blessed. Be a blessing to someone else.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Pet Peeves (Not all of em, just a couple)

It's the time of the year when people try to do more for others. There are many people struggling.

Are you the type of person who will toss a little in the red buckets when you can? Do you have a toy/clothing/food drive? Do you help serve food? I don't really need to know if you do those things, but what I do want to know is if you do these things, why?

I know many good hearted people who do things just out of kindness. You rarely hear the things these people do because others knowing isn't a priority. Some (like me) prefer to do things without a bunch of fanfare. I don't feel it's necessary. I do things for others because I've seen a need and I'm in a position to do so.

What I hate is people who do good for others and then constantly talk about what they've done. I helped this person. I did this. I did that ORRRRR you volunteer to help someone out and then criticize what they do afterward. Ok, you helped someone. No one twisted your arm. No one forced you to. Not even the person you're helping. So because you helped this person, does that give you the right to try and control their life? I mean a little guidance is one thing, but to criticize their every move, is that what giving is really about?

Then when the person you've resolved to help, doesn't do things the way you want them to, is it right to dog them out to everyone who will listen?

**********************

My next pet peeve is liars. I despise a liar. I mean either tell the truth or don't say anything at all. What irks me even more is a bad liar. I mean nothing makes me madder than someone trying to insult my intelligence by telling me a lie in the first place, then forgetting what they told me, and scrambling when they have to recall what they originally said. Man, miss me with that.

Why do people feel the need to lie in the first place? Don't thier ignorant butts know that as adults, truth rules?

Is it really that necessary to try and impress someone? Or make someone feel sorry for them?

I guess they don't realize it all comes back and the truth eventually comes out.
In my book, cheaters are in the same category as liars.

************************

That's all for now...Never know what I'll write about, huh? Me neither, LOL. I sure do love this song though...

Sunday, November 11, 2012

Such Is Life...


I don't think I'll ever get used to seeing my Dad's name on a headstone.

This wasn't the deal. I decided back in my teenage years that everyone in my family would be on some great road trip and we'd get in a crash and we'd all die at the same time. Anything else would be unfair.

Well, that ain't the way things happen...

Yesterday I went to a Donor Sabbath Celebration, which is basically a ceremony for the families of donors and recipients of donated organs.

For a long time prior to it starting, I thought my Dad was the only donor of color. I was happy to see a couple more trickle in, closer to start time.

I wasn't sure what to expect. I'd never heard of these kinds of things. Other people in my family were either too far away or had prior obligations, so there I was.

There were bagpipes (thank God we were inside and they were out!), a responsive reading and 3 speakers. A double lung recipient, a mother whose daughter was a donor and son was a recipient (I was bawling by the end of her story) and a transplant doctor.

The mother explained how she came home one day and her 19 year old son was in the middle of a heart attack. They rushed him to the hospital and they were able to put some device in him and during the time they were dealing with issues from the son's condition, their daughter was in a boating accident and because her death was immediate, she was unable to be an organ donor, but was able to be a tissue donor and she helped 5 people. The family filled out the necessary paperwork on the son and just FOUR days after it was turned in, he was called. A heart was found!

During this time, the son's fiance was pregnant and their son was born within the first year after the transplant. They were able to enjoy him for 3 years before he died, leaving his parents with no children and his fiance and son with no husband-to-be or father.

They honored the donors by speaking their name out loud and showing a slide presentation, showing the donors faces. When my Dad's slide came up, I could only smile.

By the time I got to the car however, all I could do was cry. I'm not sure if I want to know who received my dad's eyes. I don't know if I were able to look into them, who I would see.

I was glad that I had made plans to go to the movies with some family and friends. I needed the distraction. We went to see Flight. It was good...

Today I went out to the cemetery after church, it being Veteran's Day and all. Not thinking that he's buried in a National Cemetery and that there would be a ceremony today. When I got there it was a small scale of chaos, but I got in without incident. As I began the drive to the section, the radio show I was listening to started playing Stairway to Heaven and I almost hit the brakes where I was. I made it to the site though.

I was very windy, so I zipped my jacket and was off to the grave site. I was shocked at how many rows had been added since he was buried.

When I got to the headstone, I was appalled when I realized I didn't have a flag, flowers, nothing. Just me. (That pic is from Memorial Day) I guess seeing his name on a headstone makes it really real that he's gone. Since I didn't have any flowers, I cleaned off the headstone with some tissue I had brought. I could see grass stuck on it from when the grass had been cut. I thought, if my Dad was the one cutting grass, he would never have left that there. He would've blown the grass off the headstones, with a leaf blower. I didn't stop until it was white again. When the tears started falling, I thought I'd better go back to the car. I knew what was coming.

After these visits, I usually have uncontrollable crying fits where I take short hiccups of breath and then zone out. In hindsight, maybe I should have someone else drive...

I mean I don't drive crazy or anything. I actually drive pretty slow. The thing is, I'll get home and only remember part of the drive.

Next, one or two things happen. I get a headache or my stomach is in knots. Tonight it was the latter. Now, when the only place I want to be is safe in someone's arms, maybe still shedding tears, maybe just watching a movie and "being", of course that's just a daydream. My reality is that I'm waiting to go to dialysis, where the only thing hugging me will be my chair.

Such is life..

Saturday, November 10, 2012

Just One Kiss...

Ever dream about having just one kiss with someone?

You tell yourself that if you ever get the opportunity to have that one kiss, that you can get them out of your head. I didn't say you think it would happen. You just tell yourself that.

The reality that you know, is that just that one kiss will ignite a fire bigger than life.

You know that you would never want it to end at just one kiss anyway.

Not this one.

It couldn't.

Your feelings have been too long.

Too deep.

The desire for other relationships have been all but completely muted.

You don't know where it would end up if pursued. You don't know if it worked out, if it would be amazing. you dont know if it didn't work out, would you be completely devastated.

So what do you do?

Climb back into bed, pull up the cover and sleep, so you can dream about just one kiss...

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Randomness Strikes Again

First things first, if you live in the United States, GET OUT THERE AND VOTE if you haven't!!!


Secondly, I am in the right mindset again to get this weight loss in gear. It took a little time, but I'm back. Been doing it almost 2 weeks and my clothes are already more loose around the waist. I am taking baby steps and will celebrate every 10 lbs. lost, in a small way. (a new lip gloss or eyeshadow, something like that).

Thirdly, can somebody, ANYBODY tell me WHYYYYYYYYY do people who have had stillborn babies enjoy sharing pictures? I am a very compassionate person and I understand that people deal with loss in different ways, but I DO NOT WANT TO SEE YOUR DECEASED BABY!!! I don't care how cute the outfit is that he/she has on. I just don't get it. Maybe I need someone to help me understand...

And while I'm at it, I don't want to see the baby with thousands of ant bites, rare skin disease, tumor protruding out of the head or abused. Really, I don't want to see anyone (or any animal) with these things and I don't appreciate seeing them in my FB timeline. You can still be a compassionate and caring person and not click "like" every time you see one.

Lastly, if you didn't vote, I'd be interested in knowing why....

To all my readers who were affected by Hurricane Sandy, we're praying for you here in the midwest.

One more thought...who decided it was a great idea to take their dogs EVERYWHERE? It's 40 degrees outside and people are riding around with their window down so their dog can hang out. Don't say it's because a dog is like family either because I don't see any cats riding dirty!

Saturday, November 3, 2012

Saturday...


Not really doing anything at the moment.

Just got back from taking the kid to get his hair twisted and I'm really sitting here chilling and listening to my stomach protest my decision to eat only when I'm hungry. LOL Stubborn bastid!

I just ate a couple of the 100 calorie packs, so it's not like I'm starving.

Last night I was thinking about a personalized story I wrote for my friend for his birthday a few years back. It was fun. I didn't post it anywhere, I just did a little creative writing. I'm thinking about doing it again. Who knows.


I've been seeing Air Wick ads around FB and I really like the stills, so I bought one today. I was so mesmerized that I filmed the color changes, LOL.

So, presenting my first personal video I've posted. Now don't fall in love with my scraggly, incredibly nasally voice, you hear? LOL!

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Sick and Tired

Yes indeed, I am sick and tired of being sick and tired

In the past couple of months I have fluctuated from feeling really good, to not being able to get through the whole work day without slipping out to the car for an (lunch) hour nap. Come to find out, my iron levels had be a little high so they stopped giving iron to me at dialysis as well as stopped my Epogen.

It caused overwhelming tiredness, which I just thought was related to my treatments. If I sat too long at my desk, I fell asleep. If I was in another office talking to a co-worker, I fell asleep. When I got off work, I walked in the door, stripped and got into bed. Woke up around 8, ate and went back to sleep for the night. This lovely cycle assisted me in gaining a few pounds back. I was also irritable at work when I wasn't sleepy and I really temporarily forgot how to be sociable and at the time, I didn't know why I was acting that way.

Someone "blamed" it on me just being a woman.

Trust me, ish is real...keep reading everything I experience is highlighted

Mild iron deficiency anemia may not cause noticeable symptoms. If anemia is severe, symptoms may include:

Weakness, fatigue, or lack of stamina.
Shortness of breath during exercise.
Headache.
Trouble concentrating.
Irritability.
Dizziness.
Pale skin.
Craving substances that are not food (pica). In particular, a craving for ice can be a sign of iron deficiency anemia <-----I live with this one daily Rapid heartbeat.
Brittle fingernails and toenails.
Cracked lips.
Smooth, sore tongue.
Muscle pain during exercise.
Trouble swallowing.

If you experience any combination of these, go see your doctor ASAP!

Oh and be safe and aware out there tonight!


Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Why The Hell Is Sherman Hemsley Still Above Ground?!?!?!


I just read an article that Sherman Hemsley (George Jefferson) has not been buried yet. There was an alleged half brother that popped up and his supposed closest relative was out of the loop of facts surrounding his death, just a bunch of mess.

I don't understand what any of it has to do with his burial though. They did the same thing with James Brown. They can fight over the estate all they want, but BURY THE MAN!!!

The coroner can do an autopsy and save DNA samples to test the authenticity of the half brother, but there is no logical reason to keep him refrigerated until all of this can be resolved.

Greed makes people crazy. The Estate is supposedly only worth $50,000, let it go people, let it go! Sheesh!

Friday, October 19, 2012

Caution, Random Thoughts Ahead


I don't even know where to start. I've got so much going through my head.

I guess I'll start with the fact that we finally finished getting out all we needed from my Dad's house. The power, gas and water are off and there's no real reason to go over there anymore. I pass it every day to go to work and for the past 27 years, every time I pass that street, I turn to look down at the house. It used to be to see if my Dad was there, then it was to see who was there period, now it's out of habit.

I did a final walk through and took pictures. I've got no recollection of ever seeing it empty before because I was 3 when we moved there. It has that empty house echo and strangley enough, I do have a memory of that from when we moved in. I looked out the kitchen window and the area where my dog used to be when I was growing up is overgrown with weeds and looks like a jungle. For once, the back patio doesn't have grills, landscape equipment or a car sitting on it. The garage could actually fit two cars in it now, though in my mind a gang of stray cats, wayward raccoons or possums have moved in, so I stay out of it).



It's hard. 40 years of memories. 40 years...

This year has been so hard. Really, it has been difficult for me since the week before my birthday last year. It's been hard for me healthwise. I can't decide if the first year I was on dialysis was harder or this year is. I've definitely had more surgeries in this year than what I previously had my whole lifetime.

For a while there I was having at least one surgery a month, starting the day after the funeral. The recovery time really messed with my exercise schedule. I've gained back some of the weight I previously lost, but I have to get motivated to lose it again, so I can get off this mess. When everything in you is telling you that you can't do it, it's hard to get going again and make yourself believe you can.

I have become withdrawn to the point that sometimes I have a hard time remembering how to be sociable. That's huge for me. I used to be a social butterfly. Always making people laugh. I want my joy back. Sometimes I almost find it, but I'm having a hard time keeping it. Ironically, my pastor is preaching on finding your joy this month. Whatever he says, it definitely won't hurt my journey.

I feel like this A LOT these days.


I MISS BEING LOVED!!! I'm not talking about by friends, but I miss having a romantic sweetheart! I was very content in my singleness most of the summer and I enjoy my own company, but I miss random kisses, warm hugs (<---those are THE BEST) and someone telling me he loves me for no special reason. I really don't think I'm ready though. I'm emotionally all over the place.


I have been blocking exes and igging (slang for ignoring) people left and right because a few of them want to try to insert slick suggestive comments, I guess to see if I'm receptive to them. I really don't have the patience for married flirts and people who know their ship has sailed. I used to mainly ignore it. Now I have no tolerance for all that flirting even in jest. Take your azz on home!

I love my blog. I can type everything that I'm feeling and not one person will interrupt me and tell me I have no right to feel the way I do, stop having a pity party or stop complaining. I don't care who you are, everyone is entitled to feel each of those ways every once in awhile. It's called being human.

I don't care if no one else reads this, I have gotten it all off my chest.

Woo and Sahhhhh!

Thursday, October 18, 2012

He Loves Me-A Re-post


If you are offended by strong language, you probably want to skip this...


****Written during Domestic Abuse Awareness Month****


He promised he'd never leave me. Take care of and cherish me, because he loves me.


Bitch! Whore! Slut! He didn't mean it though, because he loves me.


He threatened to kill me, but he loves me.


He got me ice when he blackened my eye, because he loves me.


He held my hand when they sucked my dead baby out of me, because he loves me.


He didn't mean to push me down those steps. I know, because he loves me.


He even picked up my prescription for that "thing" he gave me, because he loves me.


He doesn't want to meet my family because he loves ME.


I know he's fucking her, but its because she throws herself at him. HE-LOVES-ME.


He slammed me against the wall and I can't get up, but deep down I know he loves me.


I'm in a coma and he's not here. He must not have a way here, I know he loves me.


I'm gone and he didn't even come to the funeral. I guess he didn't love me.


Unpublished work © 2009 D. Newman

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Calculated Depression


Let me start off by saying I have trust issues. I acknowledge that. I have put my trust in so many people who have come back to bite me in the butt, that I just don't freely give up me, in any way, shape or form, unless I really trust you. Now what I might do is give you just enough that might seem gossipworthy and see if I end up hearing it again and if I do, you won't know. I won't front you (unless you add to it). I just won't mess with you because I see what you're about. What will frustrate me though, is others putting all their trust in you and I already know you ain't ish.

It's not my place to tell everyone you ain't about nothing because for all I know, you only treated me the way you did.

Now about this caculated depression... What exactly is that? It's when someone (usually an attention whore, oh, you don't know what that is either? An attention whore is someone who thrives on the attention of others) "stages" depression so that others' concern about them is intensified.

Where is it seen? Usually on social media sites like Facebook and Twitter.

How do you recognize it? People who do this kind of thing, build up to their depression by telling all the things that are going wrong in their life. No matter how much other people pray for them and try to help them by sending whatever they are lacking, it never seems to be enough and then one day they announce to the world that they are depressed or say something crazy and then disappear.

Now this usually doesn't last much longer than a week because they need constant attention, but people who haven't experienced this won't recognize it and will fall for the okey-doke, but someone who's done it or has seen it happen, will see it coming and can almost predict the day it's going down.

I have a former friend, who will of course remain nameless, that used to pull this all the time in her LDR. I observed it a couple of times before I called her on it.

When I called her on it, she confessed that it was a tactic that she used to make him "act right". When she felt she wasn't getting the attention she thought she should get, she'd start acting extra needy and if he didn't respond the way she wanted him to she would disappear. She wouldn't get online "officially". Trick was, she still needed attention, so she had an another account that he didn't know about and no one but her closest friends knew it was her and she would feed that need that way. She wouldn't answer his calls, wouldn't respond to his texts or emails in the name of depression.

After aboout 7 days, she knew he was worried sick about her and she began taking calls again. Well he would be so happy to hear from her again that he didn't even realize he was getting played each time.

Once I figured out this thing she did, I kind of started paying attention to how she would manipulate people and she quickly became a person I didn't mess with.

I see this calculated depression on Facebook often and it's not limited to young or old, male or female (though it's usually female) and I just wish that people would open their eyes and call them on it.

Bottom line, if you're truly depressed, you don't have to say it, if you have to announce it, I'm suspect. I mean the people closest to you can tell something is "off" even when you lie and say you're fine.

I might be wrong though, so I hope no one's life ever depends on me.

Friday, October 12, 2012

How Does Your Garden Grow?



First of all, this post is not about any one person in particular, so if you feel like it's about you, then perhaps you need to check yourself. Secondly, it's (mostly) not gender specific because things happen both ways.

Making a kid (or kids) and just walking away is like planting a garden and never tending it. You not tending it doesn't stop it from growing. The weeds take over and sometimes choke the life out of the plants, but some plants are stronger and are able to flourish, despite. Surely not as well as if someone had pruned it and pulled the weeds in the first place.

In other words, though you may not have ever been in your child's life, YOU STILL AFFECT THEM. Some fight, some get busy, some just have severe emotional issues, while you live your life.

I guess I don't understand how someone can just do that. What goes through your mind when you see that child? Were you always that kind of person or did you just turn into that kind of person? Why do you think it's cool to play house with a new girl or guy's kids when you have never done right for your own?

Oh, let me not forget the parent that is there and doesn't do anything. Guess what? You might as well not be there. What good are you really? You are there taking up space, taking up the time, space, food and probably the money of the other parent. The same goes if one of your parents is doing for your child and you're doing nothing.

Get yo life!

Now I can hear all the uh uh's and tell it's! Not so fast...

The exact same thing can be said for some of the absentee mothers I've seen. Just because your kids live in your house, doesn't mean you're a good mom. If you move your man of the month into your place, you're not putting your kids first. If you're bringing (or living with) your drug dealing man, you're opening his lifestyle up to you and your kids, come on now...If you're always having your older kids watch your younger kids so you can go out, you're not doing that great a job. If you raise your kids until they are teens and then you let them raise themselves, you aren't doing that great a job. I've seen some of you just give your kids up to their father. Great for him and boo for you.

Parenting begins in pregnancy and it never really ends, so if you just stop, you're really doing your child an injustice. If you never started, well, you just suck.

Yeah, I knew there would be little to no co-signers...

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Online Dating Sites?


Uhhhhh no...

I can't lie, I've created some profiles before, just to see who they would find that was so perfect for me.

First of all, let me say this, dating black and hispanic men are my preferences, but I'm not opposed to other races if their other factors are what I am also interested in, but the guys they "matched" me with? WHY did they all look like they were from the sex offenders list?

Why couldn't 1 brown person be included in the listing? That was 5+ years ago. Back when Blackplanet was popular, I actually met a couple good guys from there that I'm still really good friends with, but my days of the online sites are over.

Or so I thought...

I let my friend talk me into trying one more site. Just for a month. So I could find a "good, Christian man".

Now I know my standards are not sky high and an average brotha can impress me just as much as the above average, but er uhhhh.

The first two that contacted me were Nigerians. Both with sad stories of being widowed *seriously?* and left to raise younger children *what!? NO!*

Both, within 2 messages were asking for my phone number and talking about meeting. *HELL NO!*

Within 3 messages speaking of marriage. The Lord told them that I was the one. Can I get your last name first? *sheesh*

Then there were the two men who were both older than my father. *ilk*

Then there was the guy ON THE CHRISTIAN SITE with the name Candylicker O_O.

Every single day I was appalled, while my best friend was thoroughly entertained *scrub*

It didn't take long for me to know that the site was NOT for me!

Everyone had a ministry, no one had a church and everyone was talking marriage in the initial contact. NO THANK YOU!

Shall I talk about the holy penile chord picture my friend received?

I thought not...

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Random Thought

My best friend calls me extra sometimes…He doesn’t know extra. I admit that sometimes my moods are a bit extreme, but for the most part I’m pretty even tempered. Safe even.

I’m not going to do something out of character in a moment of boredom. Wait, maybe I will. Depends on what it is, because I have been known to do that before. But you can pretty much bank on it that you won’t see weave or crazy nails on me.

So when I saw these nails on a post this morning, I thought *and I quote Silk the Stinger* What in the ice blue hell? What would make someone get up in the morning and decide “Oh, an eyeball with lashes would be soooo cute!”

It’s not. In fact, it’s downright creepy. Maybe for Halloween, but Ew. Ew. Ew!

Don’t take my word for it, take a look for yourself.


Oh and bf, these nails and ish? THESE are extra! LOL


Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Dating The Popular Guy


I'm not sure why, but I was reflecting on my most recent past relationship when I woke up this morning. Not so much on the person, but the experience.

Oh, now I remember...No matter how old some people get, they never really mature. I think this is a big part of failed friendships and relationships. Back in the 50's and 60's people married early and were taught to be responsible adults and somewhere along the way, that got lost on a lot of people.

What does paragraph one have to do with paragraph two? What does it have to do with the title? I promise I'll tie them together, LOL.

The last guy I dated was a very popular guy. He had a huge presence online and an even bigger one in real life. I'm still not sure how we ended up together. I know a lot of people, but I don't see myself as popular.

Anyway, a couple of things that I noticed during that relationship are that his popularity shot mine up I started getting all kinds of friend requests, especially from women. The reality of it though is that they were mostly befriending me to get closer to him (there's the maturity thing or lack of, so high school). I knew what it was about, so I generally didn't add them. Those I did, I watched like a father that has a 14 year old girl that looks 28!

The flip side to that is that I had women who despised me because I was with him. They wouldn't speak when we were together, they would speak and would afterward promptly ignore me or they'd be sweet as pie and talk about me like two dogs afterward (How do I know? People have no loyalty these days either).

Did I bring these things up to him? Yes I did. What did he say? Oh you're grown, handle that. When it came to a point that I did handle a stank situation, then I was wrong.

I could only deal with so much of that cycle before I walked away. The day I decided I'd had enough I think he was stunned because that's just not the kind of thing he's used to. No one walks away from the popular guy.

Well I did. Some days I miss being in a relationship, then I remember that experience and get over it. Honestly, when you're in a relationship with the popular guy, you're kind of in a relationship with all his cronies too because someone is always there, hanging on his coat tails.

And really, I don't think he'd have it any other way...

I have a few Facebook friends who have similar followings. I refuse to even comment on most of their statuses because I don't want to look like one of their Facebook groupies, I mean fans. In fact, I usually tease them because it's obvious each woman posts something to make it appear as if they have a deeper, more personal friendship (so mature).

Y'all can have all that fanfare. I'll take my personal, less known, REAL friendship over that mess any day and let folks speculate the nature of it. They'll come up with a story more interesting than the truth anyway.

Sunday, October 7, 2012

Find Your Joy

Today was a highly emotional day for me. Really my emotions have run high the past couple days. ****TMI ALERT**** Skip to the next paragraph if you wish....
I guess I still get PMS without the M *shrug*.

I was fine until I got to church. I dropped and broke the spine of the bible my kids and I bought my Dad one year. That upset me a little, but I picked it up and kept going. I get in and I get seated and comfortable and I speak to my cousin who I sat next to. The Praise and Worship team is up front and I glance to the other side of my cousin and see her sister, who actually belongs to another church. As the service goes on, oblivious to my surroundings before, I realize that I'm sitting in the midst of all the siblings but one, some of who live out of town.

I realize later that they are dedicating the remodeled restrooms in my Aunt's name. I'm snapping pictures and I can't wait til church is over so I can go to my Dad's and show them to him.....

Except he's gone. I don't know if I was upset because he's gone, because I momentarily forgot or both. Man I miss my Dad! It's been almost 9 months since he left this earth...

Ironically, the message today was how to walk in the joy of the Holy Spirit. I needed to find my joy. Oh how I needed to find it.

The scripture lesson was Matthew 6:25-33 (NRSV)

Do Not Worry

25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life[a]?

28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Rev. Freeman said that to walk in the joy, you must do these 4 things...

1. Pray

2. Know the word of God (you know through studying)

3. Find a spiritual partner-someone who you can pray with and can lift you up when you're going through something.

4. Shut your mouth. There is power in your words and the moment you give in to complaining, the devil will use your words against you.

He said that if you feel like you just aren't getting anywhere, like you don't have anything, it's because you have not been a good steward over the things that God has already given you. If your goal in life is to keep up with the Joneses and live outside your means, you'll never get ahead. Be your own Jones.

You will find your joy right where you are.

Saturday, October 6, 2012

Another Lonely Saturday Night

I don't know what's wrong with me...Sometimes I have a great day and then I get blindsided by this heavy depression.

I mean yeah, I'm blessed and I have family, but don't you dare tell me how I can and cannot feel despite the facts.

It just crept up on me tonight. I was having a pretty chill day and chose to not do much else but play my Facebook games and listen to the The Soul FM/Urbansoulz Radio shows. Somewhere in the midst of all this, I realized that I am pretty much invisible.

If someone needs advice or something, then I'm in demand, but as far as anyone just hitting me up just because? It's a rare occurrence.

I'm one of those people who can experience extreme loneliness in a room full of people, so it's nothing to experience it all alone.

Sometimes I wonder if this quest for meaningful relationships is worth it. Nah, I know it is, but damn a sista gets lonely sometimes.



This song truly sums up how I'm feeling tonight and I couldn't listen to the first stanza without shedding tears.

Hope you're faring better than I am.

Have a good evening.

Just me

Friday, October 5, 2012

You Ain't Got To Lie Craig!!!


^^^A string of lies ^^^



I tell you...I'm not going to say that I was always a truth teller, because I wasn't.  Somewhere around 18 though, I found I wasn't really that good at it.  I would lie to my dad and he'd come back with the truth EVERY DANG TIME.  So at that point, I found it pointless to lie about anything.

That's probably around the time that I started being extra sensitive to people though, not wanting to hurt their feelings.  If they'd ask for the truth, I'd tell them half.  I didn't think they could handle the truth. That wasn't really lying right? That was just not telling it all.

Fast forward 22 years.  I hit 40 and the truth and I mean the REAL truth started coming out. Whether I wanted it to or not.  I don't know what happened, but suddenly to my dismay, things that I would think in my head would be coming out of my mouth before I knew it!

Well I'm 43 now and I embrace it.  No one wonders what I'm thinking.  When people ask for advice, they get it raw and most of them appreciate that.  There are still some folks that can't handle the truth, but guess what?  Not my fault.

Which brings me to this...why are so many adults still lying about simple things?  I have never in my life come across such liars!  Seems like some folks are making up for lost time *smh*  I have been lied to and on so much in the last 3 years, it's not even funny.

Even when I had concrete proof of the truth, I got blamed because the other person(s) were such good liars.  I just don't understand it.  Why do people feel they have to lie about basic things?  Everyone is not the same.  Some will have more than you, some will have less and some will be right with you. Everyone is not going to like everything about you, nor you them.  Accept it and keep it moving.

Wherever you are, own it!  You may not have much, don't lie about it.  Talk to someone who has more than you.  Ask them what advice do they have to help you up.  The average person doesn't mind.  It's usually the asses who have everything that think there's no room for anyone else at "the top".

Funny thing, I catch people in so many lies it's not even funny.  Sometimes I go looking for the truth, but most of the time it falls right into my lap.  I think it's God showing me things because I'm not that great of a detective.  A lot of people won't understand that.

Most of the time I don't call people on their lies.  I just sit back and watch and listen to them stack up.  What I will do now is I will not mess with them like I did before.  Why should I?  If they'll lie about themselves, they will surely lie about me.  Why give them a chance? 

As I listen to the lies spill from their mouths, I zone out (they don't usually notice my eyes glaze over) and a la Ally McBeal style, I stop the conversation in my head and scream "YOU AIN'T GOT TO LIE CRAIG, YOU AIN'T GOT TO LIE!!!" 

One of my favorite movie lines to quote! LOL







Thursday, September 20, 2012

Sweet Dreams?

Let me start by saying this...I take something equivalent to Ambien from time to time. Have you ever read the possible side effects?

There is a bunch of them! The craziest possible side effects to me are that you may sleepwalk. You may get in your car and drive somewhere. You may unknowingly have sex with someone and have NO RECOLLECTION in the morning!

I had a friend that used to drive to people's houses and back home and never remember a thing. He probably never would have known if the person he went to see didn't tell him. Another friend, I've watched him sleep after Ambien. He always fights, throwing punches and yelling. Sometimes he wakes himself up and looks around and then falls right back to sleep.

Thankfully, the only thing I have to deal with is being sleepy the following day and the dreams I have while taking it.

Oh the dreams. I have had some crazy ones. Most I can't remember much of. The one I had last night was about one of my exes.

I was hanging out with 2 other women. Neither of which I know. In the dream, I knew one of them. Now we don't live in the same city, so I thought it was funny that in this dream, we went to his house. He wasn't home, but I still had a key.

We went in the house and sat at the kitchen table and talked for awhile and the girl I knew wanted to lay down. So I showed her where the bedroom was. When I came back to the kitchen, the other girl was putting his things in her pockets.

I said "Really?" I bring you here and you want to steal? Rachet wench!

Well before I really get a chance to lay into her, he comes in with his new girlfriend. I don't recognize her, but they are playing around. She had jumped on his back and that's how they came into the house.

He was surprised to see me, to say the least. He sent the girlfriend to chill in his room and he sent the other girl back there too. We sat and talked in the kitchen for hours. I asked him if he wasn't going to talk to his company and he said "She'll be alright".

Well guess what? I get an invite to connect on LinkdIn today!!! What's that about?

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Just a Follow Up on The Last Post

If you didn't read my last post I spoke on people making uninformed opinions about people in entertainment and how people were going IN on Nicki Minaj supporting Mitt Romney. Because I like to be informed, I started searching for said endorsement. Alas, the only one I could find was a lyric in a song...and it wasn't even Nicki as Nicki, it was Nicki as Roman. Who listens to Roman? Apparently the fool that started the rumor. Even President Obama knew the difference. ..Nicki Minaj Confirms Romney Endorsement Was Sarcasm By Matthew Larotonda | ABC OTUS News – Mon, Sep 10, 2012.. Rapper Minaj has broken her silence on her apparent endorsement of Mitt Romney via her Twitter account. And apparently, President Obama's suggestion she was playing a "character" was not too far off. She writes: "@nickiminaj Ha! Thank you for understanding my creative humor & sarcasm Mr. President, the smart ones always do… *sends love & support* @barackobama" This morning the president told an Orlando hip-hop station he wasn't sure what to make of the media reports of the artist's endorsement or whether to believe she was being serious. "I'm not sure that's actually what happened," Obama said in a radio interview. The hosts of Power 95.3's "Obie and Lil'Shawn" show had asked the president what he thought of a recently debuted Minaj song, which contains the lyrics "I'm a Republican voting for Mitt Romney/You lazy b*****s is f*****g up the economy." Minaj was featured as a guest artist on a Lil' Wayne album released last week. "I think she had a song on there - a little rap that said that," Obama said. "But she likes to play different characters, so I don't know what's going on there." The president was referencing the fact that Minaj is known for adopting off-beat alter-egos as part of her act. One show host offered his own explanation: "That was probably Roman who did it," he said jokingly, a reference to Minaj's alter-ego "Roman Zolanski." It's one of her more popular personas portrayed to be evil. He makes "appearances" across multiple albums. As of press time Minaj had not addressed the issue on Twitter, and her publicists have not returned ABC News' requests for comment. The president, though, said he tends to pay less attention to any ribbing he receives from celebrities. "The truth is when it comes to music and movies, etc. Michelle and I just focus on who's good," Obama concluded. "Look, I love Clint Eastwood movies, man." How many bandwagoners jumped on,tried and convicted her without even laying eyes on anything officially? See, you've probably had your mind made up about something you've heard about me too. People, I don't berate you for having an opinion. Everyone has the right to have one, but PLEASE, make it an informed one! And yes, from time to time, I listen to Nicki Minaj!

Friday, September 7, 2012

Some Of You Should Know Better

I normally don't talk politics because doing so has the potential to break up some pretty decent acquaintanceships (as opposed to friendships), but I was so proud of my President last night, I couldn’t hold back!
What I saw in my Facebook Timeline later in the night however, was rather disappointing. I saw people announcing that if they had any connections who weren’t voting for President Obama, to delete themselves from their contacts. All Republicans are stupid. All kinds of stuff. When did political party become a requirement of friendship? I know I have some connections who are not supporters of President Obama. That’s their choice. There is more to a person than their political party. We may not agree on some things, but something clicked between us at some point and I personally refuse to remove them from my life because they don’t want to vote for the person I want to. I mean if you’re going that route, you might as well get rid of anyone who cheers for a team that rivals your favorite, right? Or only keep people who prefer lemon cake over chocolate. Now I’m not saying that I have friends who are undercover Klansmen or anything so extreme, but I respect my friends and acquaintances enough to understand that we will not likely agree on everything and not let that affect the relationship we’ve built, whatever it is. While we’re talking judgment here, I want to address something else. I see a whole lot of people who say they believe in God and love God, hate on a lot of folks. I think the most “hated” these days is Nicki Minaj and Lil Wayne. At least those are the names I saw most last night between Twitter and Facebook. Folks are giving Nicki the blues because she’s (allegedly, because I didn’t hear her say it) voting for Romney. That is her choice. I don’t know what the reasoning is behind that, but I would assume that she has made an informed decision based on her beliefs. That’s what we do in America. Everyone is criticizing her, but do we even know how she came to that conclusion? Do we know that she will actually follow through with that? Do we know if she said that just to get a rise out of folks? Not at all. Which one of those people has actually spoken with her? Do they know the reasoning behind the things she does? For all they know, she could have been very poor growing up and paranoid about being there again after having so much money. *shrug* It’s just hard to pass true judgment when you really don’t know someone.
What I see when I look at her is sometimes real strange, but it seems to work for her. What I also see is a lot of “Barbz and Ken Barbz” who dress similar to her and who are devout followers. I see little girls who might otherwise be loners, up their self esteem when Nicki addresses them. It’s not much. It might not be the inspiration you and I had, but things aren’t like they were when we were younger. Which brings me to the next one, Lil Wayne…I “liked” him on FB and almost immediately got an inbox message from someone saying “I didn’t know you had a thing for roaches”. Wow, really? Perhaps your mirror is too small to show you your shortcomings. I guess people don’t realize that the entertainment business is just that, people doing what they do to ENTERTAIN people. If everyone entertained the same way, guess what? People wouldn’t be entertained! So entertainers, in the midst of what they do, find a way to be different while being the same. Does that make sense? Oh I didn’t see the VMA’s, but someone went IN on Wayne because he came out on a skateboard. Guess what? He loves to skate! They go in on the skinny pants he wears. Guess what? That’s what some skaters wear. It doesn’t make him gay, it makes him comfortably dressed for when he hits an ollie kickflip or an ollie heelflip. Don’t know what that is? Oh, you probably know just as much about him! Do you get it yet?
You won’t understand why people do the things they do until you get the opportunity to sit down and talk with them and you may not understand even then, but this has become such a judgmental society that no one even cares to find the why’s. In my head, Wayne isn’t much different than Michael Jackson. He became an entertainer when he was what? 13 or 14? That is still a kid. He didn’t have the easiest life, so maybe skateboarding gives him the kind of freedom you should have in childhood. I don’t know. I know I admire the fact that he’s got an education. He’s not a deadbeat dad and he has an amazing memory (did you know he doesn’t write his lyrics down?). Stop always trying to see the negative. You’ve probably looked at someone and thought umph, he thinks he’s the ish. That ain’t even her hair. SO WHAT. Not saying I’ve never done it, but who am I to decide what THEY think? NOBODY!! And neither are you. We have enough things to deal with in our day to day lives, stop adding unnecessary things to it. Sheesh. At the end of the day, we really aren’t all that different. We’ve just had different experiences that make us who we are.
Back to what I originally said, the bible says to love thy neighbor as thyself, not love thy neighbor if he votes for Obama, love thy neighbor if thy neighbor isn’t weird or love thy neighbor only if you understand them…

Thursday, August 30, 2012

The Randomness of Me

Does Ann Romney's face look real to you? Too much Botox... Has anyone figured out what "legitimate rape" is yet? Did you see Condi at the RNC? The look on her face (to me) says yes, I'm smiling, but what the heck have I done? These mofos are crazy and if I switch teams now, my political career is over and I won't be able to play golf either. Shat! I've heard from the bestie, but I realized something. I hope he doesn't leave this earth before me because I'm missing him like crazy. This twice a day thing is for the birds. *cups hands around mouth* I NEED YOU!! I wonder if he heard that? Well, I've been trying to stay busy, so I don't go stir crazy with worry because we aren't supposed to pray and then worry. Soooooo...I've watched a ton of movies (Day After Tomorrow was a dumb choice), done a few miles on a recumbent bike (pretty amazing since I used to feel like I was dying after 3 funky minutes before) and I needed a drastic change, so I got a relaxer and cut my hair. Go ahead and regulate your breathing. I know I've been natural for 4 years now, and it's been wonderful. Well till a couple of months ago. One day I woke up and there was no more fro. It was bushy-straight-ish (in some spots).
If I washed it and put some Curly Pudding on it, I was ok, except for the constant drip down my shirt for half a day. (My hair is super thick, that's after towel drying first). It's about to be fall and I obviously can't keep doing that anyway, so to occupy my time I started looking at hairstyles. I've really been digging Meagan Good's hairstyle and I love most of Rihanna's hairstyles so when I finally mustered the nerve to make an appointment (for the very next day)I had to figure out what to do. The high bun I'd been wearing had me looking like the 3rd grade girl who'd had recess before her school pictures. Not a good look! Besides, I like to stand out from the crowd without saying a word. I did the big chop when it wasn't popular in my town and there were two of us who weren't afraid to go straight 70's Sista Girl. We wore it very well, if I might say so myself. So now that everyone else is doing it? Yeah, no. I went back to the creamy crack. It's been wonderful so far! I'm glad I did it and no one is going to "guilt" me into going natural again. I'll do it when I get the urge!

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

100 Words: Isaac

I have been a nervous wreck the past 24 hours or so. This hurricane has made my life hectic. When Hurricane Katrina hit, I didn’t know anyone who actually lived in NOLA. My co-worker’s daughter was there in school, but she was it. I have connected with the best friend I’ve had in my adult life and right now he’s in NOLA. I’ve prayed, so I know he’ll be alright, but I still don’t want him in this situation. I want to talk to him so badly, but I know he must save his charge. Hurricane Isaac, you really suck.

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Just real quick... Ever hear a song so much that you kind of just sing it without paying attention to the words? Was listening to Usher and realized that from the bottom of my feet to the top of my head, I feel U Got It Bad. Not sure how I feel about it, but man... Usher Raymond vs. Icno 1-0 Lyrics "U Got It Bad" Oh, no, no, no, no, no... When you feel it in your body You found somebody who makes you change your ways Like hanging with your crew Said you act like you're ready But you don't really know And everything in your past - you wanna let it go I've been there, done it, fucked around After all that - this is what I found Nobody wants to be alone If you're touched by the words in this song Then baby... U got, u got it bad When you're on the phone Hang up and you call right back U got, u got it bad If you miss a day without your friend Your whole life's off track You know you got it bad when you're stuck in the house You don't wanna have fun It's all you think about U got it bad when you're out with someone But you keep on thinkin' bout somebody else U got it bad When you say that you love 'em And you really know Everything that used to matter, don't matter no more Like my money, all my cars (You can have it all back) Flowers, cards and candy (I do it just cause I'm...) Said I'm fortunate to have you girl I want you to know I really adore you All my people who know what's going on Look at your mate, help me sing my song Tell her I'm your man, you're my girl I'm gonna tell it to the whole wide world Ladies say I'm your girl, you're my man Promise to love you the best I can See I've been there, done it, fucked around After all that - this is what I found Everyone of y'all are just like me It's too bad that you can't see That you got it bad...hey U got, u got it bad When you're on the phone Hang up and you call right back U got, u got it bad If you miss a day without your friend Your whole life's off track You know you got it bad when you're stuck in the house You don't wanna have fun It's all you think about U got it bad when you're out with someone But you keep on thinkin' bout somebody else U got it bad [breakdown] U got, u got it bad When you're on the phone Hang up and you call right back U got, u got it bad If you miss a day without your friend Your whole life's off track You know you got it bad when you're stuck in the house You don't wanna have fun It's all you think about U got it bad when you're out with someone But you keep on thinkin' bout somebody else U got it bad

Monday, August 13, 2012

The Weekend

I've come to the conclusion that my blogging daily is a wrap, so I'm going to TRY and post once a week, every other week at the most. Right now I'm chillin' with the laptop across my feet, with What Kind of Man Would I Be - Mint Condition, playing on Spotify. I'm reflecting over the activities of the weekend. Helped a cousin have a rummage sale. There was some really good stuff, but I don't think that the advertising was as good as it could have been and I think running Friday and Saturday instead of Saturday and Sunday would have helped. I got some good buys. I bought several purses, 4 of them designer, a carry-on bag, a comforter and a video camera for my son all for under $30! Saturday night, I went swimming with my aunt and cousins and Sunday after church and the second sale, my cousins, aunts, grandmother and I got together for Quesadillas, finger foods and the Trade. What is the trade? It's a way to get rid of/regift something you no longer want. For instance, I brought about 12 things from jewelry I never wear, a cd I didn't care for and some clothes. We all laid out our wares and looked for things we liked. Once we found something, we found the owner and showed her the things we brought and she chose something she wanted. We did this until everyone had what they really wanted and then whatever was left over was free game for anyone. No one usually wants to take home the same things they brought. I made out pretty well. I found a dress, a workout outfit, some jeans a couple of tee shirts, a necklace and 3 pair of earrings. Some of the things traded still had tags on them. What a deal, huh? You should try it some times. Guys too! Until next time!

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

R.I.P. Gene EbonyPoet Cole

Graphic originally posted by Unemotional Cole on FB

The Cole Family will have a memorial in Gene EbonyPoet Cole memory at Woody's Funeral Home, 163 Oakwood Avenue, Orange, NJ at 2 pm. There will be no viewing. The memorial will be Saturday, August 11, 2012 @ 2 pm.

I first became friends with Gene on Yahoo! 360. He was my Freckle Faced Giant. A real sweetheart and a talented poet. With the demise of 360, we still managed to keep in touch throughout the years, but things were never the same as back then, still, he will be missed.

You just take for granted that people are going to be there and my heart broke when I saw the R.I.P. messages attached to his name.

In all our talks, I know without a doubt, that he loved his babies. My heart goes out to them because I know what it feels like.

Again, you will be missed...

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

No More Buffets!!!

I don't know if I'm turning into a germaphobe or what, but now when I look at things, I often "see" the germs on them. Nothing bothers me more than hotel rooms, except buffets. Now when I go to a hotel, I usually either buy a can of Lysol and layer everything with it or I pull out my Thieves spray and go to town. I have watched one too many episodes of 20/20 I now know what lurks beyond the seeing eye. Now about the buffets. I have come to the conclusion that they are the nastiest place on earth to eat. Why? You have open holding areas where kids are just the right height to sneeze, spray when they talk (Think about it. Mom: Do you want some of this? Kid: Yessssss! How many germs just got sprayed into the food? And if the kid is missing a tooth? Come on!) How many kids have you seen just reach into a container of food? Then, I'd say at least one out of three people don't wash their hands. You've seen how many people are at the buffet, especially on Sundays. How many millions of microorganisms are you touching with each dish? And thennnnnnnnnn there are the utensil bins. You have who knows who reaching into the bins, talking over the bins, taking more than one out and putting the extra back in. Same thing with the plates. No thank you. That's all before you sit down. Have you seen (really all the restaurants) the rag they use to wipe the table? They don't even clean it they just swipe a rag over it. Don't believe me? Next time you go to a restaurant, wipe your hand across the table. See what nastiness you feel. We have a routine before eating out. First of all, my mom busts out with the anti-bacterial wipes and wipes down the table (The atrocities we've seen since doing this). Then we order a cup of hot water. They almost always ask if we want tea. No thank you. We don't tell em, but that's what we dip the silverware into. When this is finished, we finally eat (not without praying over the food though). Then it's dessert time. Again, everything is kid height. Let's not talk about the new fad, the chocolate fountains. To me that's a catch-all and recycler for germs. I'm not even talking the airborne stuff, I'm talking again, about the little undisciplined urchins who (WHAT?) stick their finger in the chocolate; Who use the chocolate as a microphone (not literally) and who have licked their fingers of the food they have already partaken of and (EW) touch the frozen yogurt/ice cream machine! Not to mention, the food is full of sodium. It may not seem like it, but as a kidney patient, retain fluid and it never takes less than 2- 6 hour treatments to get off the fluid I gain with one trip to the buffet (and that's just salad, veggies and meatloaf or chicken. I stopped getting steak when I found out they soak them in a sodium solution to make them tender). We are finally done with our meal and we get up and push the chair to the table (I don't even want to know what that bumpy stuff on the back of the chair was!) and walk out the door, pushing the same handle that all those other people we were in line behind touched on their way out. I just can't take it!! Thieves spray is a product of the Young Living Company Essential Oils and Natural products. More information can be found at www.youngliving.com If you would like to purchase anything from young living, e-mail me and I can put you in contact with a distributor.

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Loyalty and Honor

Honor is unstable and seldom the same; for she feeds upon opinion, and is as fickle as her food. - Charles Caleb Colton
These are two things that there seems to be very little of these days. People aren't just "selling" theirs for a price, they give it away for free. I have been watching FB timelines periodically this week and it seems it is the season for relationships ending, be it a friendship or a full fledged relationship. The leading cause seems to be a lack of loyalty and dishonor for the relationship. It seems to me that once you commit to a friendship/relationship with someone, you're true to it and you don't end it without a fight. It has always puzzled me how a person could go on and on about what you mean to them and how they can't live without you and next thing you know, they have buddied up with someone else and left you without explanation. Especially someone they'd previously had a problem with. I mean honestly, a REAL man or woman would feel the need to have a little talk and tell you things from their perspective. I think that it's terrible to be in someone's life in nearly every capacity and then just walk away with no explanation. A punk move, even. Even more of a punk move is walking away after someone has opened up to you with their honest feelings, whether it be something about themselves, you or someone else. I mean, if you can't handle the truth, say that. Most people can't. I suppose these days it is to be expected and just a way of life. It still sucks.

Thursday, July 5, 2012

On to the next

I think I'm pretty done with the challenge. Yeah, I know I didn't finish it, but I doubt anyone care anyway. I think I'll just unload some random thoughts. *****************Sometimes I just want to shake the shit out of people... They snap clean off about the chick who made an off the wall comment on their page, but the guy that's cheating? Nada. Then when they ask you what you think (and if they ask, I do tell), they catch an attitude with you. Well, if you don't really want to know... *****************Why do exes feel they still have certain rights/have to hide certain things? You are EXES. Case in point, a guy, I really can't even call him my ex. We had something more than a friendship, but never a full fledged relationship. Anyway, I noticed he'd been under the radar for a minute and I was recently in his town, so I gave him a call. Now maybe it's a woman thing, but if I'm avoiding someone's calls, soon as their number pops up, I hit ignore. He wasn't so fast. He kept ignoring my calls. I thought it was funny though because it would ring two or three and then he'd send it to voicemail. I actually started calling to see if he would get any faster (he didn't). Well, come to find out, dude had gotten married. I found that interesting because as close as we've been in the past 22 years, he never even told me he was dating someone. I would have congratulated him. Hell, I would have come to the wedding if I'd known! I'm happy for him, but it seems to me that either a) he's ashamed of who he's with or b) is afraid that if it was public knowledge maybe someone would try to talk him out of it or maybe c) it just wasn't anyone else's business. *shrug* More power to ya! (Oh, he and I talked and I congratulated him and he STILL hasn't acknowledged his union. What's that about?) ******************Internet beefs crack me up. All the back and forth is unneccessary and make people look dumb. If I have something to say to someone, I don't call them out on a FB or Twitter stat, I send them an inbox message and say what I have to say and be done. FB has caused many adults to revert back to their high school days. Middle school even. If you have issue with someone, grow a pair and take it to THEM. If you want an audience, take ya ass to Broadway. ********************Oh, there is one internet beef I do like. It's DISSney Princess Feuds. There's nothing Disney about it. A guy named Ramal Johnson basically has created Twitter convos between different Disney Princesses snapping on each other. No, it's not educational. It's not politically correct. It's not uplifting but dangit, some of em are too funny!
DISSney Princess Feuds on FB and @DISSneyFeuds on Twitter

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

22~ Create the perfect love scene

It's funny, a year later and I still think of the same perfect love scene... Me and my husband of several years, on a porch swing (on a porch that is the length of the house), looking out at the grands playing in the yard. That's it for me...

Monday, June 25, 2012

Thoughts on Family

I know I'm in the middle of a challenge, but I have been mulling something in my head for a couple of days now. I'm so big on family and would love to be close to my extended family, but we just aren't. I have tried. We keep in touch for awhile and eventually we drift in to our own worlds. Often I have been the one to step forward in an attempt to be closer. It's no one's fault, it just doesn't happen. I'm sad to say this represents both sides of the family. It's also sad to say that behavior plays a huge part of this solidarity. When people behave in a certain manner, I lose interest in wanting to fraternize with them *shrug*. The real shame in not being close to my dad's side is that they are amazingly strong to me. I don't know that they even realize it. I mean, my grandmother died at 37, leaving my grandfather to raise 6 kids. Well, my dad was 17 and his brother 18, but the 3 girls were still at home. He didn't remarry until his kids were all grown. He lost his baby girl a few years after my grandmother. Fast forward 30 something years and he lost another daughter and now this year a son. They all lost so many immediate family members and yet they are still able to function from day to day... I'm proud that I come from a family with so much strength, I just wish we were closer...

Thursday, June 21, 2012

20~ Do you believe in Long Distance/Internet Love? Why or Why not?

I do, but not for too long. I believe that when two people are HONEST about who they are and what they want from a relationship, they can truly connect and fall in love via texts and internet messages. A couple that really wants things to work out, will make arrangements to see each other every so often and if the relationship is to go anywhere, someone will eventually need to relocate. The advantage a long distance/internet relationship has is that you can get to know each other without the distraction of sex. Many people have sex too soon in a relationship and the relationship ends up being based on that. It's not easy, but it can be done if both parties want it enough.

Monday, June 18, 2012

19~ What do you love to do the most?

I love to spend time with family and friends. I wish my extended family was close, but as long as I have my immediate family and close friends, I'm good. I am tracing my family roots, which has proven to be interesting too. I also love to travel. I've had to slow down tremendously since I started dialysis. I mean, I could travel pretty much anywhere in the US and find a treatment center, but I'm not fond of people unfamiliar with me, sticking me and I have been bitten by the international bug, I want to GO places!