Just my thoughts...

Just my thoughts...
The randomness that is I

Friday, April 29, 2011

Short and Sweet: F@#* You!

I understand that there was a bit of gum-bumping in the name of Afrodeezha in the past couple of days.

I must be doing something right.

Without putting it all out here, there was a sitch a few days ago that didn't have such a great outcome.

Now that I've had a few days to simmer down, I can see a bit clearer and I'm not as angry. I'm sure that someone, somewhere will have something to say, but what's new?

I realize that things had to happen the way they did because someone has a deep need to be on top. It's all good. I had my time in their eyes. Things had to happen this way because otherwise that party might have never had a chance.

I could, however, be completely wrong. I doubt it though.

I say that if such great lengths needed to be taken to get the results they needed, then shame on their pitiful souls.

I will get past this, no matter what. If things were meant to be, there's nothing anyone can do to stop them. In the meantime, enjoy, because you never know for sure whether someone's mind is on you, just because their body is. I know good or bad, I made an impression...

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

No Words composed by Thee_Kween

I wrote this today in an email to one of my SiStars who seemed to be having a hard time. I had JUST reported to another friend how I'd been virtually uninspired for over 3mos...and needed to get back on. For this poem to unfold so spontaneously and bring understanding to someone in emotional need...was just perfection.

silence from you lover,
is like obscenities yelled evilly at my ear
the harsh winds
of your bated breath
from stifled words
cause blemish
to my sensibilities
to extend your soul out to me
is like a short hit to my heart
i seize in shock
and fall from hurt feelings
fall from the foundation
no longer holding me up
if you spoke
thunk of the simplest insult
even an exhausted sigh,
i might
not feel like...
our love has died
i might
not feel like
this is bye
if your mouth
with space for words to wander
over the fullness of your lips
that i love to kiss
and touch the tip
of your tongue
that i long to suck
that it just might not suck
that you're silenced...
oh, love...
how i wish you'd
cuss me
fuss me
touch me with
disgust for me
rather than cringe
and recoil
from the sight of me
the idea
that maybe,
you love me more
than this silence you've
pledged yourself to...
my ears are
with the shit i'd
you say
then the closing of your heart
or the shortness of your compassion
or the limited concern for my cry...
feel like,
what have i done,
SO badly...
what crime have i
other than kneeling in submission
to the love that beckons praising
with my adoration
and hips' gyrations...
what have i done
other than
nod yes
when my ego and pride
yelled no
and lay bare
when my "self"
warned me to don layers
for my preservation
is that my crime?
or is my crime...
milking the man in you
that would rather roam
and giving you thoughts
of one home
procuring for you
asylum from the things
that cause you to mask your
true heart
it's desires
the fears
and failures...
your silence
has brought me to
this soliloquy of
frustrated and flurried
all because
rather than speak your
you inflict silence onto
and it hurts.

Thank you Sister. You can read more of Kween's writing at her spot

Fake: A Repost from Saturday, October 16, 2010

Please don't patronize me

I'd rather you didn't speak.

Your hug, less than happy,

Enthusiasm, rather weak.

If you don't like me

It really is ok

You don't have to say anything,

Won't make or break my day.

It really irks the hell outta me

To keep strained conversation

And it isn't like no one knows your simple ass is fakin'.

I stopped caring a couple years ago

What anyone else thinks.

Well, sometimes I do and you are one of them *blink blink*

Psyche! Truly? You can kiss my ass.

You're putting on a show

And I see through you, like glass.

It's alright though cuz when I see you shimmy

Up to me, I put on an Emmy

Worthy performance because I can't stand you.

For now a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do...

100 Words: Life

Tears are cleansing, when they come.
I can feel them well up, but they refuse to fall.
I want to be sad, but I’m too angry.
Angry at you. Angry at me. No one else matters.

I want to laugh too. People really think they know how I work.
Only a select few really know. That stuff is too deep for television.
Well, the television of our lives.

Let people think what they will of me. The less they really know, the better for me.

Funny how life takes you in one direction and does a 180 the next moment.

100 Words: Intuition

Intuition is a funny thing. You get a gut feeling. Sometimes you act on it, sometimes you don’t.

If you feel strongly about something that the “general consensus” doesn’t agree with, they make you feel like something is wrong with you.

You’re immature. You’re closed minded. You’re petty.

Sometimes you begin to question YOUR gut feeling, after all, you’ve been wrong before, right?

You give in. Accept the best you can. It’s not easy, but you fake it long enough, it will happen, right?

Sometimes…sometimes you find you were 100 percent wrong about a person.

Sometimes, you’re 100 percent right…

100 Words: Love

Love can be so complicated at times.

You can’t control who you love though and when something happens, you just can’t stop loving them immediately.

You try not to think of the good times, but you can’t stop reliving them. You might not want anyone else to know, but you do.

Your closest friends ask if you’re ok and you tell them yes, when you know it’s the furthest from the truth.

Your appetite is whack, you don’t want to be bothered with people and you just want answers. Answers you may or may not get.

Deep into protection mode...

100 Words: Trust

I trusted the one who said “Don’t be afraid, I’ll always be there for you”. If you need me, just say it. I’ll do what I can to take care of you. I love you.

So when I saw something that could potentially hurt that one, I found a way to tell them, though I knew that telling would hurt them too; except they didn’t appreciate it. Even blamed me. Well, they didn’t come right out and say it. In fact, they didn’t say a word.

I thought we were better. Damn the rest involved. Who are you? No, really…

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

I Just Wanna Pee

Regular readers know that I have kidney failure and am a 3rd year dialysis patient.

I've said it before, but after doing dialysis so long, you kinda stop peeing. I mean, your blood is getting cleaned 3 times a week and however your bladder and kidneys work together, once the kidneys stop working, your bladder does too.

Your body still produces waste, but not urine. It was kinda funny, the last time I went to the ER, they wanted a urine speciman and I could only give them literally ONE drop.

The only problem is that you still feel the pressure you feel when you have to pee, but it just doesn't come.

Actually, it comes and goes for me, but never more than a tablespoon (that's an estimate, LOL).

This morning it just wouldn't come.

That might be cool when traveling and such, but when your body is saying "I have to pee" and your bladder is singing "I'll keep holding onnnn", there's confliction. (is that a word?)

At 5 am, I was willing my body to release and it just wouldn't. So I'd get back in bed and think I've got to go. I went back and forth for almost an hour before I fell asleep again.

I found myself hoping as I drifted off, that I would have the pee dream...you know, the one where you're dreaming you're running to the bathroom and you have to go BAAAAAD and finally make it to the toilet and you plop down and "Ahhhhhhh, relief!" but you wake up and find that you peed a lil bit (or maybe a lotta bit)?

You just don't appreciate simple luxuries until they aren't there.

Man, I just wanna pee...

Monday, April 18, 2011

Girlfriends/Da Kween

I don't have many. Never have. Why? I never seem to find any completely trustworthy ones.

Don't get me wrong, there are quite a few I can call and kick it with, but only a very select few that I consider my inner circle. I call them SiStars. Even within my SiStar Circle, there are two who I speak with on a regular and trust with my innermost thoughts.

They are the two that really "get" me. They know some of the methods to my madness. They know what happens when I've been pissed off, without being on the receiving end of it. They know how, when things (i.e. my living sitch, my relationship, my jobs, my health, my tattoo) look one way from the outside, how they really are on the inside.

They don't take the innermost info we talk about and turn around and gossip about it to the next person, like some girlfriends do.

We didn't become girlfriends because we got into it first and became friends after we got into it. We didn't become friends because we were screwing the same guy and found out. We didn't become friends because either of us was a former FB (<---not Facebook) of a guy and one of us was a present one and a friendship was forged to get the "inside" scoop.

We just starting crossing paths and the more we talked, the closer we became. I appreciate them. They love me when I'm right. They love me when I'm wrong and vice versa. We know when we really need each other and we know when to step back. When other chicks think I'm stupid, they know there's either a method to my madness or there's an underlying sitch and I want things to appear otherwise.

Truth is that as much as I open here or on FB, these two are the ONLY ones who really know what's going on. So if any fakies are reading, you tricks only know what I want you to think, you don't have to wonder what will happen when the "truth" comes out or when the shit hits the floor. YOU ARE THE SHOW *settling with more popcorn and drinks*. (<---not so subliminal message from runteldat.com)

You already met my BF Harmony. Now you get to meet my other BF Da Kween.

Da Kween, like Harmony, is very artistic. Moreso than a lot of people I know.

Da Kween is artistic in the kitchen, on the computer, with photography, in writing poetry and stories. She also has a depth of someone subhuman. I won't elaborate, but if you're good friends with her, you know exactly how.

Da Kween and I became friends through an ex. We started talking a lot when he and I were together and when we broke up, we never stopped.

Da Kween and I share a very strong bond. We're born under the same sign and have almost identical personalities. If she's going through something, I can feel it, hundreds of miles away and if I'm going through something I haven't talked about, within days, she's calling and asking me why she is feeling the way she is. It's one of the most unique friendships I've ever had and I love her to life.

You can read some of Kween's talented work at http://thepoeticbutterfly.blogspot.com/

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

100 Words: Harmony

Harmony is my best friend.

She and I met through an ex-boyfriend. We have been friends since 2007.

Harmony is the only best friend that I have had in my adult life. I have told her things about me that I almost didn’t even want to admit to myself.

We met at her family reunion and I fell in love with her whole family. Last year she came to visit me and finally met mine.

My dad can’t say her name without singing, LOL. Harrr-Mo-Nyyyy!

I was excited that our families blend so well.

I’m going to see her Friday.

Monday, April 11, 2011

Quite Random

It's was a bittersweet weekend...

Friday night I went to a comedy show and realized that there's no way in hell I could ever be a cougar...well, maybe I could date someone in their 30's, but 20's? HELL NO!! What the 20 something crowd sees as comedy and what I see as comedy are two completely different things!

What 20 something girls my size wear and what my 40 something self wears? TWO COMPLETELY DIFFERENT THINGS!!! O_o I've seen more near booty/coochie sightings than I ever need to see in life!

I only stayed to support my guy Keeb...

I was tired when it ended (it was midnight and I'm used to being in bed by 9 on Friday night, LOL), but my Dad was in the ER, so I went up to be with him. He insisted I didn't go, but I let him think I'd agreed with him, but I knew he was going to be up there for hours, so I waited til I thought he was good and bored.

We took turns dozing off until about 3:45 am, when they released him with a script for Ibuprofen O_O.

Saturday was a beautiful day...too bad I didn't get in bed until 4 and I missed the whole morning.

I had intentions of going to church Sunday, but the hard chairs in the ER did a number on my already hurting hip. After a couple of hot showers and an Aleve, I was able to move around pretty well, so I went to visit my grandmother.

I have been blessed in my lifetime to know three great grandmothers. I still have one (I think she's 99 this year) and this is her daughter. They've always gotten around pretty well, so to see them not in the past couple years has been hard.

To see this grandma down was really hard for my boys too. She had a stroke and starts rehab today. It's up to her, how badly she wants to rehabilitate.

A stroke doesn't necessarily mean the end of anything. My Dad had 2, several years ago and was in the hospital for 39 days. He went home in a wheelchair, unable to do much of anything alone.

Today he cuts grass, drives, bathes himself. Pretty much does most things he could always do, just not as fast. It was because HE didnt't give up when he couldn't do things. He asked for God's help and did what he could and expected God to do the rest.

Oh and though the pic above is off the net, there was a whole lotta that going on!

Friday, April 8, 2011

Friends and Fighting

Yesterday on Facebook, someone posted a stat that said something like "I didn't know that when people came of age, they still didn't want their friends speaking to someone they'd fallen out with".

I kind of chuckled about it, but it's stayed on my mind all night and I realized that there's a lot of truth to that statement and I've been thinking about why.

I've come to the conclusion that it's not so much "You're supposed to be my friend and I'm mad at him/her, so I don't want you to talk to them!" as it is "You're my friend and I've told you some things about that person, so if you're all chummy with them now, can I still trust you?"

I took a look at some of the "friend break ups" I've had and depending on what someone has done, I have left them alone altogether after they fell out with a mutual friend.

One friendship in particular, two of my friends fell out. I remained friends with them both, but one of them took on a real ugly persona, that was a turn off to me. I still speak to her occasionally, but I really don't care for the person she's revealed herself to be.

Am I wrong for that? I don't think so. I admit that when I first learned what was going on between the two of them, it made me take a closer look at the things she did, but she earned it all on her own.

I don't like to see people I'm close to being mistreated and I take it personally. I mean if they'll treat them like that, who's to stop them from treating me the same way? Why give them the chance? I've never been real good with the girlfriend thing anyway.

I thought of past friendships where I fell out with someone. I don't think (correct me if I'm wrong) that I "required" anyone to stop dealing with someone just because I did. Now what I DO admit to doing is if someone knew the details and they started hanging with that person even more than before, it made me question their loyalty as a friend to me. I mean like I said, can I really trust them?

I don't know, it's all so high school...isn't it?

Thursday, April 7, 2011

100 Words: Haters

Some say there is no such thing as haters. That’s a lie. There is always someone who doesn’t want you to succeed; hates when you shine; gets out of sorts when they see your name. You make them even more insecure because they aren’t you.

I have had a hater or two in my lifetime. They made it their business to play on my insecurities and I used to let them. Now it just makes me angry.

Since I’m working on my anger, I’ll just say keep trying, but you will never be me, you can only try coming close.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Assholes and Idiots

I try to stay to myself, I really do...I don't like bullies or people who pick at other people or people who try to insert themselves in my life, when I want to eliminate them. Relatives included.

When I want to be left alone, I want to be left alone.

I can so identify with my sister right now. A few years back, someone she didn't care for walked up to her and tried to hug her. She slightly turned away so they would get the hint. They didn't and kept pursuing a hug.

She finally turned her back completely to them and basically kissed the wall. I was kind of embarassed and had to tell the person that if she didn't want to talk to them, they couldn't make her. She'd have to reach a place inside herself to come to terms with that person before she could outwardly show any kind of acknowledgement.

I get it now Sis, I really do.

There is a person or two that I really wish would get the hell on with their life and leave me alone. Yet, every now and then there's a missed call or an email or such, accompanied by an "Oops, I didn't mean to" or a "Why won't you answer my calls?"

It's because I don't want to talk to you. I don't like you. I don't trust you and there's no purpose for you in my life. You've proven yourself toxic and there's no way to change things.

I'm not buying that the calls or messages were accidental. You can't bullshit a bullshitter and you can't force a Capricorn (or a Leo) to socialize with someone who has rubbed them the wrong way.

Maybe Sis and I are just evil...because if we're pushed to a certain point, we won't eff with anyone remotely close to the person(s) involved and be ok with it.

I don't mind taking on the role of asshole as long as it eliminates the idiots...

Side note: I'm not into the zodiac stuff, but I'm a Cappy and I've found that other Cappy's are very similar in personality and my sister is a Leo and I've found that she's similar in personality as several of my Leo friends, so perhaps there's some truth to it.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

100 Words: The Day I Met Him

I’m sure He doesn’t even remember the day we “met”. It was at a virtual 360 party for a friend. I boldly “walked” up to Him for a slow dance, something I’d have NEVER done in real life.

I don’t even know if He noticed me before that moment, but it opened the door to what we have now.

It’s kinda funny. I thought He was a little mean back then. Someone told me He was no good. Nothing could be further from the truth.

If people could see the Him I see…but for now, I want to savor it.