Just my thoughts...

Just my thoughts...
The randomness that is I

Monday, December 31, 2012

Goodbye 2012

What a year, what a year! The year started off in the ER. My blood pressure bottomed out at the end of my treatment on 12/31/11 and I ended up bringing the new year in a hospital bed.

Last night, my 44th birthday, after treatment, I ended up in the ER because my knee gave out and I fell. Turns out I have a Patella Dislocation or Subluxation. The patella is another name for the kneecap and dislocation or subluxation is determined by how far the patella moves away from its normal position.

That will be determined by an ortho specialist on Friday. Sooooo, I'm bringing in 2013 with a knee immobilizer. May have to wear it 4-6 weeks.

I have had one of the hardest losses I'll ever experience. The loss of my father. Sometimes I wonder how I've even made it this far. Other times it doesn't seem real. I know I've leaned on my rock HARD. I made a promise to myself not to lean on him so much in 2013. That's a lot of pressure for a person.

I have a hard time finding the spark I used to have. I've accepted that I may never get it back. People change.

I consciously stopped seeking a relationship (it's been a year and six months). I have been able to prioritize some things relationship-wise and I know more what I want and what I don't.

I have had many downs (surgeries) over the past year, but I've learned not to dwell on them and for the life of me, I can only vividly recall one. I thank God for that.

I found a new church home and am active in a ministry that I love.

I was able to see in concert and visit with one of my favorite voices, Phil Perry and traveled to a city I'd never been and knew no one there, in order to do it. (Loved Boston!)Met one of my SiStars (KweenKiwi) for the first time and hung out in Boston Harbor

People have shown me who they were this year and I have believed them. I came to the realization that most people do not have my back, no matter what their words say, but the people who rarely say it have shown me in full force. I pray that the people who I love, know it without a doubt, by my actions, because quite honestly I don't think I could tell them enough times to equal how I feel.

With all the diversity I have faced, I have leaned on God to help me past them and I really feel like I have come out on top and I look forward to overcoming even more in 2013.

I'm kind of envious of those who "got" God early in life. It's taken me this long to really, really see His awesomeness. My earlier life could have been so much easier, but I've learn A LOT of lessons along the way.

Thank you for reading my musings, whether you are a silent reader (say hello or leave a comment some time) or a regular commenter (Thank you Reggie).

I usually end my end of the year post with a reprint of Reason, Season, Lifetime. This year I wanted to do something different. I'm posting this clip from Pastor TD Jakes. It explains different levels of friendship.

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

December 25, 2012

A very Merry Christmas from my family to yours!

Remember that Christmas is the celebrations of our Savior's birth, no matter when He was actually born!

Monday, December 17, 2012

Happy Birthday in Heaven

Today marks my Dad's 66th birthday, his first in Heaven.

Sometimes I still have a hard time because I miss him so much.

Today I choose to share with you why so many others do too.

The following was written by my nephew's Father and he read it at the funeral. When someone dies, a lot of times we tend to make the deceased some kind of near-saint. I won't say he never did wrong, we all do, but when others can see all the good the family sees, well, you've got someone real special.

And that he was...

In honoring the life of Mr. Newman, I present Trading Places.

It is with great pride that I stand before you, your family and your friends Mr. Newman and say, “I would love to trade places with you!”

Four years ago I led a group of men in a program called Moral Recognition Therapy. It was a program that challenged us to look deep inside the way we thought. In step 6 of this program there was an activity called trading places. In this activity I was to identify someone I would like to be.

I think all of us have people we admire and look up to. Whether it’s that they have something we would like to have or we think they deal with their problems easily or that they have few problems at all. We believe these people are happy. Sometimes we want to be like these people. Sometimes we would even like to trade places with them!!

When I worked on this activity I chose Mr. Newman to be the person I’d love to trade places with. It was required of me to figure out what it was about him that I liked, that I wanted or that I admired.

I had to choose four of the most important things that influenced me to choose Mr. Newman. There were many such as his looks, the way he dressed, his house, his cars and even the way he honked at you when he rode by.

But those things didn't mean as much to me as the ones that did when I dug down deeper to identify exactly what was about Mr. Newman that made him my choice to be the person I’d love to trade places with.

1) His ability to maintain a positive attitude.
2) His family ties and their strong bond.
3) His caring heart and how he enjoyed helping others.
4) His work ethic and being a working man all his life.

These four things about Mr. Newman, to me, are amazing!!!

When I look at the things that made Mr. Newman the person I would love to trade places with, I realized that these same values mean a lot to me today and are ones that I continue to work on in search of my own happiness.

You talked with a big heart!
You made a path I don’t mind following!
You gave me someone to look up to!
You were a father figure, a role model and a friend in my life!
And because of these things...I couldn't think of a better person that I’d love to trade places with!

Rest In Peace Mr. Newman!!!

Stephen Bottoms 01/27/12

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

I Miss

I miss...


Holding hands

A flower(s) just because

Being someone's "person"

Going to the lake

Calls to say goodnight

Taking an hour to actually hang up

The protective hand at the small of my back,
you know, the one the says "She's mine"

Late night drives to nowhere

Jazz or Mint Condition

Looking at the night sky

Calls to say good morning

Watching the sun set

Playing in my hair

Candlelight and Luther

Being someone's #1

Love notes


Monday, December 10, 2012

Things I Hate

I hate that I can literally stay in bed all day. Where is my energy? Actually I despise this.

I hate that I can't travel like I used to. There are so many places I'd love to go.

I hate that my body has changed so much in the past 3 years. Some for the better, but some changes prevent me from sleeping comfortably and I really don't get a good night's sleep most nights.

I freaking HATE cancer. It's evil in all forms and it takes people we love.

I hate depending on "him" so much. He's human and if something ever happened to him it would CRUSH me.

I hate I waited so long to go to the beginning of Grey's Anatomy. I'm in the 5th season getting understanding of what's going on in the 9th (so backward) LOL

I hate that it's so hard for me to throw (or give) things away. Maybe I need to go back to therapy.

I hate that I have dreams about my ex, even though I don't remember them. He and I barely even speak anymore. What is that about?

I hate that this is the best I can do after x amount of days of not posting, LOL Grrrr

I really don't hate anything except cancer, but Things I Dislike didn't work for me as a title.

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Cake Cake Cake Cake

Yup, cake. More specifically birthday cake. If you don't know what that is, or if you think you know what it is, check urbandictionary.com to verify.

I used to think people were exaggerating when they talked about "cuddle season". I have experienced it the past couple seasons though. It's a dang shame. Now it's one thing if you hear from someone periodically through the year. I'm not talking about them. I'm talking about the ones that you hear from like clock work, between Dec 1-31, with a marked absence on the 25th and 30th (my birthday)


You want cake? You got cake. There it is, right there