Just my thoughts...

Just my thoughts...
The randomness that is I

Monday, November 15, 2010

Happy Holidays?

I copied a status I saw on Facebook yesterday. It said

DEPRESSION is not a sign of weakness, it is a sign that you have been trying to be too strong for too long.

I SO idenify with that statement! For so long, I thought of my depression as weakness. That's what we as black women, are taught. I don't know, maybe it's just something that women are taught, period.

Be the keeper of your household. Everything rests on you. Be strong! Just pray and keep going. <----that might get me in trouble with some folks.

I say that there comes a time when every person needs help coping, be it by talking to someone about their problems or even getting medication for it.

This year has been really hard for me and I've had plenty of ups and downs, but traditionally, the holiday season SUCKS for me. It usually starts about a week before Thanksgiving and lasts until about the week after New Years.

I'm not sure when this all started. I know when my grandmother was living, it became stressful and tense for me to do Thanksgiving and Christmas. I'm don't know why though. Maybe I was picking up on someone else's tension. *shrug*

I do know it stopped being a fun time for me awhile back. I think I was pretty happy the year my youngest was born. That was back in 97. I did Thanksgiving with my family then I did Thanksgiving with my babydaddy’s family. Don’t get offended, that’s what we called each other in a mocking fashion. Neither of us cared much for that term, but we made it funny to each other.

My son’s father comes from a family that I have considered my own since about 1987, when they moved to this city and I’ve always had a close relationship with them, so holidays with them were cool. Still are.

I don’t remember a lot about that Thanksgiving, just that it was a good one and Christmas was pretty good too. My babydaddy was a Star Wars junkie, so when I bought him the complete Star Wars collection, he wanted to watch them all, from beginning to end. I slept quite well through them.

That would be the only actual holiday time we’d spend as a complete family. He died the following February.

My holidays went back to sucking. Within the next couple of seasons, my grandmother passed and they just got harder for me.

I think it was 2005 or so that I started drinking pretty heavily on the holiday eves. It didn’t make me feel any better. It did ensure I didn’t feel anything, til I was sober again.

That was the year I found out there were issues with my kidneys. I drank so much the night before, that I was hungover all Thanksgiving day.

I didn’t drink at all that Christmas, I wanted to though. I just wanted to be anywhere but where I was. I was excited to go to Richmond that year for my birthday. I’m in love with the east coast, you know…

The following year, I was determined to make things different. The sadness was too much to take another year, so I talked to my Dr about getting a prescription. I ended up on Celexa and it made me so sleepy, all the time.

I decided that if I was going to kick these holiday blues, I’d have to call on that Superwoman I hate being.

So last year, that’s what I did. I’m still not sure how though. I was dealing with all the regular blues and either was about to go through a breakup or was going through one. Who remembers?

Antywhoo I think that by typing all this out, I’ve answered some of my own questions in my mind, while boring you.

If you go through the same thing, you’re not alone. You can beat it too. Oh, that Celexa? I only used it one month, to get me through that season. Medicines these days have too many side effects, but sometimes you do need help. Don't be afraid to ask.

I started making myself get out and socialize. I travel quite a bit. I’m with someone who encourages me to talk about things and not hold them in. I’m striving for a better holiday season. I might even send out some baked goodies to those I wish were near.

We’ll see. I’ll let ya know, mkay?


LaLa said...

such an awesome post. i'm sorry holudays for you have been hard, and i'm glad you made the decision to get through as best as you can :). i hope this one gives you joy and happiness and brings you peace <3

Afrodeezha said...

Thank you LaLa...