Just my thoughts...

Just my thoughts...
The randomness that is I

Thursday, December 19, 2013

Yes I know...I've been neglecting the blog. Well *newsflash* I've been kinda neglecting the net. Just don't have a lot of energy for it these days. I mean I post stuff, but I'm slow about responding to comments on the stuff I post and most days if I don't go online via mobile, I just don't get there.

Well I hadn't told you that I had a potential kidney donor. He went and got tested and he is not a match, but what I post after this will bring you up to speed.

Here goes:

Well I got the results of my potential donor...not a match. I actually got the news a couple days ago, but I was trying to come to grips with losing 2 friends in 2 days. One 49, the other just 27. That alone would make someone think of their own mortality with no health problems. Yeah.

Have you finished your Christmas shopping? I am not a person that has the discipline to spread it out over the year or even over a couple of months, so here it is, (well Friday) the last pay period before Christmas and I'll be trying to do it all in a couple of days. Money is reeeeeal tight this year, so it will be interesting. I wasn't able to buy gifts for the Angel Tree this year, which is a bummer because I've basically done that since I was 17. Well, the past couple of years I've done a Secret Santa, usually for a single mom friend of mine. Whoever I saw a big need for. I'd send them a gift every day for a week and reveal my identity the last gift. I LOVE doing stuff like that. How I got such a big philanthropic heart with my income, I'll never know.

Oh yeah, back to my match. He's a trooper! He's still going to be tested. They have a thing called crossmatch (this is easy to understand if you're a Grey's Anatomy fan) where he'll be on my donor "team" even though we don't match. There can be someone else whose donor didn't match but they become a team also. My donor could match their donor and vice versa and we'd switch partners and they'd donate that way.

What do I want for Christmas? Well aside from a kidney or that Mega Millions that I didn't get? I would like each person that reads this, to say a small prayer for someone else, not even necessarily me. Send a note or a card to someone you haven't talked to in a long time (trust me, a phone call you can play over and over in your head and then suddenly one day start forgetting parts of the conversation, but a note, you have it all right there) and post or send this link to your FB page or email. Thank you and have a Merry Christmas!

Monday, November 25, 2013

Here I Go Again

This time on Friday, I was in the holding room waiting to go up to surgery because my graft was clotted again. I'd be willing to bet it's because my blood thinner was too high in my system. Now instead of taking it down a milligram at a time, the doctor reduced it by 3. Well, my blood had "thickened" so much that they couldn't even get a good blood draw because my blood would clot up and prevent the phlebotomist (sp) from getting anything significant. Long story short, went to surgery without lab work and had a successful one, dialyzing at the hospital afterward.

Well...I go to treatment last night and guess what? Clot. Why? The issues with my blood draw was apparently not enough of a clue that I needed a higher dose of blood thinner. SO, I'll be back at the hospital today at noon.

I am so glad I don't get anxious! I'm so glad I just pray and go. So here goes...2 surgeries in 4 days.

This has been my life...

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Unconventional Ways

It's 2013. There was a time when (and oftentimes still) I wouldn't ask a dime of anyone. Now if I see that someone needs something, sometimes I'll ask them if they need anything, but usually I'll just bless them with it.

If you've read my blog for awhile, you know I've got kidney disease, have been on dialysis since 2009 and have recently gotten accepted into the transplant program and am now on the list. Well although my insurance covers most of the costs related to the transplant (mine and whoever the donor will be), there are still out of pocket expenses that are crazy.

I never thought I'd be on this side of a fundraiser, but my SiStar Kali aka Kiwi aka Da Kween has set up a donation page at Give Forward, a fundraising page to help offset some of the costs associated with kidney disease. I've kind of been sending notes to Kali to post over there instead of here, but I need to keep things going over here or I'll be the onliest (no sure why I like that word or why I even chose to use it right now) person reading this blog.

I will repost over here what I have posted there and will try to remember to post both places from now on...

Friday, September 27, 2013

IT'S OFFICIAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm on the National Kidney Transplant list!!!!

Just being on the list, the wait will be anywhere from 3-5 years. If I find a good match on my own, it's 1-3 months, depending on the tests they have to run.

I had a few friends who said they'd offer to be tested when the time came and now, nothing. I'm ok with that. Surgery is something big and everyone isn't cut out for it. *giggle*

Seriously though, I understand that it's a HUGE decision and you're entitled to have a change of kidney, I mean heart. (Sorry, I'm just absolutely giddy this afternoon, you just don't understand!).

I can tell you right off, if you're diabetic or if you have high blood pressure, you will not be a good candidate. Let me know if you want to be tested. You do NOT have to be tested in Chicago (where I will have it done), they can send you a packet and you can get your lab work done at your local hospital. It will not cost you a dime. All expenses are covered by the recipient's insurance.

Even if you don't do it now, in life, please consider being a donor after and allow someone else to live.

If you are interested in finding out more about how the transplant process works, you can look at www.transplantliving.org, www.unos.org and www.optn.transplant.hrsa.gov

You can also google Kidney Paired Donation if you're interested in donating even if we aren't a match.

If you are interested in being tested to see if you are a match for me, please email Xenia Lopez, Transplant Coordinator xlopez@uic.edu (CORRECTED)or call her at 312-413-9489 and put D. Newman in the subject line.

Thursday, September 26, 2013

Wow, ironically, the last time I logged in, I'd had surgery on my graft. Well guess what? Just had another last Wednesday and I haven't been right since. I don't know what's going on with my vascular system, but I'm sick of it. Not sick enough to stop treatment, but truly sick of it.

I'm also sick of people. Why can't people just say hello and keep moving? I'm getting SO comfortable with logging in to FB for about an hour and commenting on the things that move me to do so, overlooking the stuff that gets on my nerves and playing my beloved Bubble Safari and logging right back out. My FB group is 3k+ and I don't have to do anything but pop in every few weeks and make sure I haven't approved a spammer. Folks come in. Post their memories, comment and keep it moving. I love it.

Fortunately I can easily recognize most folks who are on another agenda (FB and otherwise) and I'm quick to dismiss them, sometimes just by simply never responding to them again.

I have a few that I love to talk to every now and then, but honestly, my mind is so jacked up these days, I just can't.

That's really unfortunate because I really am a fun person. I have a very caring heart and for people I love about, the sky is the limit, even if my pockets have limits.

I realize that this is yet another random post, but I felt the need to write, so here I am.

Monday, July 29, 2013

You Have a Spare Kidney, You Say?

So what else have I been up to besides ranting about juvenile adults? Well...

Tuesday I was in surgery, yet again. Yes, this graft clotted once more. Difference is, it clotted the day before I was to travel to Chicago, to meet with a transplant team at UIC. You know how I've been on dialysis for 5 years now? Well, up to this point, I've basically been too fat for anyone's transplant list. UIC has no weight requirement.

I found it fairly early and I called the doctor's office and told them, do what they had to do because I was NOT going to miss this trip!

So, believe it or not, what is normally an all day ordeal, happened 3-8 pm from beginning to end and including an hour on the dialyzer! I've NEVER had unscheduled surgery happen that fast!

Well, I went home and got some sleep and got up at 4:30 am with my trusty sidekick Kid #2 and got on the road. My appointment was at 10:00 am and I got there a little early, but I didn't have to wait long.

I spoke with a transplant coordinator, surgeon, nutritionist, financial coordinator, psychologis/social worker and pharmacist. I had and EKG, Xrays and a TON of blood work done. So now I wait for them to call and schedule the second half of the tests they need from me and then comes the wait.

UNLESS.....I have people willing to be tested as a possible match.

If you are interested in finding out more how the transplant process works, you can look at www.transplantliving.org, www.unos.org and www.optn.transplant.hrsa.gov

You can also google Kidney Paired Donation if you're interested in donating even if we aren't a match.

If you are interested in being tested to see if you are a match for me, please email Xenia Lopez, Transplant Coordinator xlopex@uic.edu or call her at 312-413-9489

Saturday, July 27, 2013

Grown Folks...Can't Take Some Anywhere

First of all, hi! Howyadoin? Yeah, the more I say I'm going to write, the more I stay away.  Well I've had Writer's Block pretty regularly.  Maybe that comes from being limited to 140 characters. I don't know, but I have a rant of sorts today.

I probably shouldn't even be this pissed, but like I JUST read at Thee_Kween's spot http://kweenskaleidescope.blogspot.com/2013/07/the-booty-dont-lie.html I am sick to def of Mean Girls!!

Now you regular readers know I'm pretty deep with Urbansoulz.com.  Bomb group of innanet family! I love Urban almost like I created it! I know how dear it is to the owner and because we are so close, it is so dear to me.   I give The Marshall and his family mad credit for creating such a nearly drama free, loving, cool azz environment where I see people truly enjoy themselves and sometimes get a little starstruck along the way.

Starstruck you say?  Every now and again they interview entertainers and listeners/chat participants have an opportunity to call in or directly ask their own questions and you know for some people, that's like winning the lottery.

Well last night DJ Tan interviewed Jon B (click here to listen)yes, THAT Jon B! Smooth, brotha (I don't care what you say, he's a brotha! LOL) from back in the day. You can keep Justin and Robin. I'll take Jon any day!

Now, when we are just chatting during a regular show, we really clown sometimes. No biggie, we're family. Just like in real life, however, we're SUPPOSED to act like we have sense when we have company, so should we during a special event also, right?

I mean, we're trying to encourage people to enjoy themselves and to possibly join the site.

Well, and I'm going to directly quote Thee Kween "...the Internet has a penchant for saying everything that's on its mind. You see a big woman in something you think makes her look nasty? You tell her. You see a man with a small penis? You tell him. You see a woman with an unflattering hairstyle or a baby with a "ghetto" name or a man with one tooth in his head...and what do you do? You tell him. WHY is that? Didn't your parents teach you to not say ANY thing if it weren't nice? Why does the Internet have you all so programmed to be cruel at the drop of a dime? Do better Internet...really." and better didn't happen last night, in my opinion...

We had a caller on the air with a tiny voice.  She had an in-depth question for Jon and as she spoke, someone made a comment about it.  Now we have guests in the chat, so it isn't just family, so why would someone feel the need to say anything? Because the internet makes people feel that their opinion is of interest.

Now one comment turned into several, until someone finally hinted to shut it.  I admit that the girl sounded a little like Michel'le but you have the voice you were blessed with. Nothing much can be done to change it. I was embarrassed and then angered because that is a reflection on the site and unfairly represented the majority of the type of people on it.

You know how people talk just to hear themselves? Well...there are typists out there like that too. I'll probably get a backlash from this, but if I'm lying, anyone who was there can come right here and get in my ass about it.

There was a girl in particular who said she was Jon's #1 fan and she was excited at the possibility of being able to speak to him and her excitement showed throughout the interview, but I was SO embarrassed when she said in the chatroom, "If my call gets picked for an on the air question, please don't laugh at my voice".

The embarrassment lasted a short time before it became rage.  This poor girl in a sense, felt what one who was being bullied would feel like.  Those are the feelings one experiences when there is someone who feels superior and speaks as they are such. I remember. I was bullied often back in the day and I think that's why I get so upset about it happening now.

I'm holding back my words because those of you who really know me, know I can get down on some cussing and I'm really trying to become a better person, so maybe I just need to hang some rules in the chat room.  Kind of like the signs at the swimming pool.

The unspoken rule is that Urbansoulz is NOT messy and when it becomes messy, the powers that be ALWAYS clean it up.

Bottom line? Grow the hell up. Geez.

Saturday, June 29, 2013

Hello and hi

Has it really been over a month since I wrote?  It seems the more I want to write, the less have to say.

I know I'm a decent writer, I need a muse.  I used to write a lot about love.  Being in love, the kind of love I wanted, what the one I love made me feel like.

These days however, I choose to keep my feelings, the who's, why's and how's to myself because what I feel is the most natural, most precious that I've ever felt in my life.

Just wanted to step in and say hello...hello.

Saturday, May 25, 2013

I can't stand the rain

I hate days like today.  I feel like I have pockets deep down inside that are stuffed with sadness that no one could possibly understand unless they were there.

It's a cold rainy day.  Seems like the constant rain is mocking me.

Periodically that sadness comes to the surface and no one can take it away but God. I'm waiting for Him to take it away...apparently it isn't time.

I don't want to do anything to hurt myself, it's nothing like that.  It's just a deep emptiness that comes from missing someone's (that's not a typo) so much that it would hurt.  If you could still feel. Tears flow freely.  You aren't really crying, tears just constantly fall.  It's a stay in bed, electricity optional, talk to no one because they wouldn't understand it kind of day.  I can hear it now...you need to snap out of it. You need to do this, you need to do that.  YOU don't need to tell me what to do because YOU don't know what this feels like.

Well I know all too well that that would only irritate me, I know it simply has to pass.  I can't tell you how to mourn, nor should you try and tell me.

Saw a pic today that shows exactly how I feel.  What surrounds me, overwhelms me.

Gotta walk through this forest of sadness one tiny step at a time...

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

30 Days of Days: Day 15-The Day You Graduated (choose any you remember most)

June 7, 1986....I'll always remember that we graduated on Prince's birthday, LOL.

That morning we had a senior breakfast at school.  The teachers served us.  We graduated in our school gym. It was HOT. We lined up in the courtyard and walked down the east and west stairs as they played Pomp and Circumstance.

I think that Amjad Safvi and Liesl Sculle were the valedictorian and salutatorian. Not sure where Liesl is but I was pretty impressed when I googled Amjad.

I look back and I was so blessed to be able to have 4 generations of family there. My Great Grandma was probably in her 80's. I'm too lazy to figure it out right now.

I think I was pretty cute.

What you think? My prom and graduation pics are one pic, so you get a two-fer.

30 Days of Days: Day 14-The Day You Hate To See Coming

The first week in June. I know it's not a day, but it reminds me of the last week of my last relationship (2011)
and despite the bad things, it also reminds me that I miss the good things.

30 Days of Days: Day 13-A Christmas Day Memory

I had to be about 5-6.  I don't believe my brother was born yet.  I had asked Santa for a reindeer that year.

Now Christmas was always about the kids and I used to clean up, being the only kid for 7 years.  So I just knew I was getting my deer.

Of course I tried to stay up the night before and conked out and was sleeping GOOOOOOD.  When all of a sudden I heard bells.

I heard my grandfather saying "Get up! Get up! Santa is outside. Hurry up and you can see him!"  Lies I tell you, LOL.

Of course I flew out of bed and to the doorway and somehow, there were a set of footprints and then several sets of hoof prints. Now I realize there were however, no sleigh prints.

Well grandpa had these brass bells. I was much older when I found them. He used to love clanging those bells as hard as he could, to wake us up out of a dead sleep.

I'm sure you assumed that I didn't get a reindeer that year...well, you were wrong.  Somehow they found me a blow up reindeer and that was waiting for me next to the tree! LOL! I have a picture somewhere. I need to find it.

Thursday, March 28, 2013

30 Days of Days: Day 12 - A Day You Wish You Could Do Differently

It was Halloween 2000.  Two of friends from college were visiting and we were sitting outside on my porch late at night.  We'd gone to a couple of parties and were just chilling because it was actually still nice out.

This couple walks past the yard and the guy speaks, stops and strikes up conversation.  I know this conversation was a good 10 minutes.  Then they go on their way, around the corner to the club.

A week later, it's early evening and I'm on the porch again, watching the kids play and he comes over and sits and we talk. Turns out he'd lost his brother earlier that morning.  A drug deal gone bad.

I listened to what he had to say and we ended up moving the conversation into the house because it got chilly. He was drinking and ended up passing out on the couch. I didn't bother waking him up. Me and the kids slept in my room (doors locked).

Well, that evening was the very beginning of the relationship from Hades. It ended nearly 2 years later with an Order of Protection.

Yep, if I could change that night, we'd have been inside instead of on the porch.

Oh and I found out later, that the girl that was with him was his WIFE.  He apparently left her after he met me.  In hindsight he was such a liar though, who knows.  She was better than me.  There would have been no conversation going on.  He was openly flirting.

30 Days of Days: Day 11- A Daydream You Have Often

The one I want to write about, I'm sure folks would try to read way more into it than they have any business doing. Hmmmm, or maybe it's just more than I want to tell...but oh how I love that daydream!

My second most favorite is more recollection than daydream. I'm at the beach in Montego Bay and I'm looking out at the beautiful unrealistically blue water and have a hard time deciding if I want to go sailing or go out on the jet ski.

Jet ski it is. I walk out into the warm, salty water and look out and enjoy this paradise in what seems to be a poverty stricken land from what I've seen.

The resort worker who took me out before is gone and the guy from the daydream I WANTED to write about helps me up on the jet ski. I slip my arms around his waist and pull close as we take off. Slowly at first and then as he sees that the waves aren't bad, we pick up speed. It seems like we are miles out from the shore, but realistically we're probably only 2 out. We don't want to get too far out, should anything happen and the motor stop. LOL Ain't nobody got time for that!

We turn and ride the length of 7 resorts along the coastline. It's 100+ degrees, yet the breeze as we speed along makes the temperature just right.

Just me and my boo... that's what we do. Just chill and enjoy.

30 Days of Days: Day 10-A Day You'd Rather Forget

Wow...I started tearing up just thinking about which days I wanted to write about...

The first day, February 7, 1998. The day my son's father died. I can't got into a whole lot of detail, but I'll say that it was heart-wrenching. He had a heart attack. I performed CPR until paramedics got there. By the time the paramedics got there, all of his sons were there.

He was never revived. Basically he died right in front of our eyes. It hurt for me, but for each child he called son, it was something they never should have had to experience.

Yeah, I'd rather forget that day.

The next day, January 24, 2012. That was the day my father died. He'd been not long before, diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and given 6 months to a year to live. While my mind was trying to wrap around that information, his body was already letting go. I can't remember the exact number of days, but I'm pretty sure it was some time after the 1st that he told me this and he left this earth on the 24th.

3 something in the afternoon. Surrounded by me and my brothers, with my sister on the phone. Crazy thing is that he started slipping away when I was the only one there. I hurried and called my sister so she could say goodbye and by the time he took his last breath, my brothers weren't there.

The nurse kept checking for a pulse and couldn't call it until there was none. It was nearly 10 minutes later that my brothers and sons would make it up to the hospital and it was then that his heart beat no more.

That's another day I'd rather forget.

At the same time however, those are days that I hope I always remember as those were the last day that I spent with my loved ones.

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

30 Days of Days: Day 9-The Day You Discovered The Internet

When the internet was starting to gain popularity back in the late 90's, I didn't yet have a computer. I was a single mom with 2 kids and internet was not yet a priority.

I had been sneaking on the world wide web at work, but I couldn't really explore like I wanted to. I was not about to explain what Blackplanet was to my white bosses.

I'm not even sure how the conversation started, but it ended up with the deputy director offering me the use of the office laptop. In hindsight that was probably a dumb move, but at the time, I thought she was really my friend. She said it was only used when the big boss had gone to Slovenia and it was just sitting. To keep it as long as I wanted.

So I grabbed a handful of free AOL disks and so my addiction began. I used to HATE the AOL chat rooms. You would enter, folks would check out your pic and then you'd get flooded with requests and personal messages. I often wonder if I crossed any of my present friends in Black Voices?

I really started making solid friendships via BlackPlanet.

I remember something like 120 free AOL hours and I'd be up til dang near 6 am off into the world wide web...

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Bring Muna Home-YOU CAN HELP

Imagine your Ex-husband/wife or the other parent of your child picking them up for court ordered visitation and you never see them again.

That's exactly what happened with Muna N'Diaye, a 5 year-old girl who was illegally abducted to Mali, West Africa, on December 27, 2011.

You can go sign the petition to help bring her home and then you can listen to the interview conducted by DJ Diamond B on the Urban Soulz station on Blogtalk Radio
Listen to internet radio with Urban Soulz on Blog Talk Radio
Please pass this information to as many people as you can!!

Mission For Muna 03/23 by Urban Soulz | Blog Talk Radio#.UU4dEy3BjtM.blogger

Mission For Muna 03/23 by Urban Soulz | Blog Talk Radio#.UU4dEy3BjtM.blogger

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

The Angry Black Woman Memo: I missed it

I know somebody will be pissed just from reading the title. Oh well...

A FB connection was posting pictures yesterday of women HE describes as beautiful. They are what would be considered plus sized women (I've posted one below).

I thought that both were pretty ladies and I could see the beauty in them although I'm not positive the second one wasn't photoshopped a bit.

A few of the fellas agreed with him (one suggested she needed to work out), but when the women started commenting, the hate started flowing.

I know at least one woman said she admired their confidence (translate: If I looked like that, I would not be posting) and one woman just suggested that some shapewear would have improved her look, but she still was able to compliment her legs.

Every other woman went IN. She's fat. Why would she post that? She needs a few extra reps in the gym. No comment. One even said that the woman was thick, but she looked like she wobbled when she walked.

Why the hate? Why not look and if ya didn't like it, keep moving?

Facebook has given people the impression that their opinions are necessary. I guess they don't realize that it's still ok to keep silent on some subjects.

Now maybe because I'm a plus size woman myself, I don't feel the need to tear someone else apart for their looks alone. I know some women who have what I consider "perfect" shapes that are just as ugly as can be on the inside and women who have no waistline that are just as beautiful as can be. If that's all you base people on, you're pretty shallow and must have some shortcomings that you can't come to grips with about yourself.


Another friend this morning was asking why the sistas were so angry about Tiger Woods' choice in women. It's obvious that he has no interest in black women. So what. His choice. Hell, he can't even claim his own blackness wholeheartedly, so why would it be expected that he'd date one of us?

I'm sure if I search, a lot of women are angry with Michael Jordan's latest choice in women too. Do you think he cares?

It seems to me that some of what they say is true. There are a lot of angry black women these days. I missed the memo. Why are we so angry? Can someone let me in on it?

Monday, March 18, 2013

30 Days of Days: Day 8 - The Day You Realized What You Wanted to Do/Be

Well anyone that knew me in high school knew I was a Home Ec fanatic.  Every type of class that was offered, I took it. Cooking, sewing, parenting, anything that had anything to do with any of those, I was there.

My junior year I took Commercial Foods at the local vocational school because I truly thought I wanted to go into catering.  Well, cooking on a large scale is A LOT different than just cooking dinner.  There are so many rules that have to be followed.  This has to be maintained at such and such degrees.  That can only sit our for x amount of minutes, etc.  Nothing like freestyling it at home. Not to mention that when we catered, we had to make so much extra in case the amount we prepared ran out or something happened to the original dish.

We also prepared all the food that was served in the cafe.  I learned fast that commercial foods was not for me (but not before participating a food fight! That was the most fun EVER, until clean-up).

It has taken years for me to learn how to scale down the amount of food I cook and sometimes my kids still look at me crazy on day 3 of leftovers.

I ended up going to a business college and getting my A.A.S. and became a secretary.  I'm pretty darn good at it, but I think I'm heading toward phase 3 in my life and looking for something different.

The desire to learn more about cake decorating did stick with me, so perhaps I'll pursue that...

Sunday, March 17, 2013

30 Days of Days: Day 7 - The Day You Found Your First Best Friend

People have always acted shady with me.  I'm pretty sure I have a sign on me somewhere that says I'll be your friend til you get what you need from me, then you can go.

All my life I've attracted users.  Best friends included. Til now.

The first best friend I can remember was in middle school.  Well, 7th grade because by 8th grade she wasn't and by 9th grade she was again.

I can't remember how we met or why we fell out, but that's as much memory as I've got. I won't be putting a name out there either.

30 Days of Days: Day 6 - The day you first held a job

I have no idea what my first day of my first job was.  I could assume that it was meant the first time I worked ever and know that it was a babysitting job.

I think the earliest I can remember babysitting someone other than my siblings was for a family that we're still very close to.  I think at that time there were only two.  A newborn and a 4 year old.

That soon enough grew into 4 kids plus my brother and sister.  I kept them every Monday and every summer while their mother taught summer school.

Now they are something like 27, 29, 31 and 35 with the 35 year old having a child herself.


This challenge writer is olllllld! LOL

Friday, March 15, 2013

30 Days of Days: Day 5 - The Day You First Fell in Love

Well, this one is a bit tricky.  I mean each time I thought I was in love, the next relationship went a little deeper and made me wonder if I was really in love or just super strong like.

I'll go with the first person that asked me to marry him.  

I was 17.  His name was Demetrius and I was as in love as a 17 year old could be.  We went on dates, we hung out, we did nothing and it was all good.  I met him a street over from where I grew up and I thought he was so cute.  He kept staring at me and a friend at the time played the go between that eventually got us together.

He was the only guy that ever has given me a ring.  It was supposedly an engagement ring and he let me pick it out.

Being pretty non-traditional, I chose a pearl one with diamonds on either side.  I wore that ring with pride...til he cheated.  I broke up with him and before it was over and done, I gave it back.  I wanted no reminders.

Ooops!  I might have just used up a story for another day.  Oh well.

The love I'm feeling now though feels like the first time because it's deeper and stronger than anything I've ever felt.  I don't know what the future holds, but I would be perfectly satisfied if this was "The One".  

30 Days of Days: Day 4 - A Day in High School

Wow...there are so many memories from high school!  The pics are Senior year.  I'm not really sure what to choose.

So many firsts for me in high school.

I know! Because I like to laugh and I have no problem laughing at myself, I'll tell about the craziest damn day I ever had in P.E. class.

It was my freshman year. Gym was my 2nd hour class. Two of the cutest guys in the school (in my opinion) were in the class. Yeah, I'mma name names! Benji Frazier 6' something, light skinned, crazy eyes that switch between blue and greenish, depending on his mood and Richard Burton, a darker skinned brother, not real tall, dimples, both nice looking guys. I really didn't have a crush on either of them, in fact, every time Richard (and his brother) got near me, we always bickered back and forth.

I mean EVERY time! This started when were little too, LOL. His brother and I still go back and forth on a good day (all in fun now though).

Anyway, this particular quarter, our group was taking volleyball. It was also volleyball season. There must have been a match after school because the regulation net was up and not our regular old run-of-the-mill family reunion, flimsy net. Well at the time, I didn't know this.

I skipped my happy tail toward the opposite side of the net, where our team was gathering, ducked as I went under the net, but didn't duck all the way because I knew the net would give.

Well it didn't. I clotheslined myself when the bottom of my chin chucked the net. Flat on my back I went and when I looked up, guess who was looking down at me laughing? Both of em! (Scrubs! LOL)

Somehow I recovered and was playing. I was in front and went for a spike and as if being clotheslined wasn't enough for one day, my arm went up and my bra strap popped.

Now I was no small chested girl. No siree Bob! I was a big C, almost D cup, so one side was nice and supported and the other side was a tad bit closer to the ground. I sat out the rest of the class and I think the Home Ec teacher (my favorite teacher) saved me with a safety pin until I could walk home at lunch time and change.

I'm not even sure who really knew why I sat out the remainder of the game, but I'll never forget!

30 Days of Days: Day 3-A Day in Middle School

I don't remember the exact date. I think it was May. An acquaintance of mine had been cleaning her uncle's home and picked up a gun. The gun went off and she was shot in the head. She was 13.

I think it was a funeral home that her service was held. I remember my Mom took me and a friend and that I sat on the end of a pew or seating or whatever it was.

I will always remember her two favorite songs that they played. It was the first non-relatives funeral I ever attended. There were so many students. So many tears.

R.I.P. Sharon Day

30 Days of Days: Day 2-A Day in Elementary School

This particular day I just did not want to be in school. It was recess and our school was surrounded by nature trails and had a huge school yard. Toward the back of the yard was a baseball diamond which was more likely to be used for kickball.

Well this particular day, the schoolyard was a mess. I guess it had rained the day before because there were huge puddles.

I don't know how it started, but all I remember next is play fighting with a friend of mine in a manner which could only be called mud wrestling. We were a mess!

Of course we got sent home. I think I told my parents I fell.

I don't know if they believed me or not. If they didn't, they were probably tickled because I don't remember getting in trouble.

I was literally head to toe mud! I wish I knew where the picture was that my Dad took.

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

30 Days of Days: Day 1 A day containing your earliest memory

The absolute earliest memory I have is from when I was probably 2 or 3. We were living in the first house my parents ever owned.

I was a single child, but there were several neighborhood children. This particular day, there were a couple over to the house. For whatever reason, we went outside. I remember running around the house with them. At the time, we had a dog. A poodle/terrier mix.

The dog's name was Chipper. Now back then you didn't have to follow your dog with a pooper scooper, so there were "mines" throughout the area. After we ran around the house, we came inside to watch tv on the gigantic floor model in the living room.

I remember looking at the metal outside door, left open, so that a breeze could blow through the screen.

We were sitting there watching H & R Pufnstuf and my mom came in the room and immediately did a shoe check. I don't remember whose shoes they ended up being, but this is the earliest memory that I can recall.

A New Blog Challenge

Seems like the more I say I'm going to write regularly, the less I have to write about. I know it's been a minute since I've written anything, but best believe I have been blessed continuously and beyond measure!

Now about this challenge...

#1- a day containing your earliest memory

#2-a day in elementary school

#3- a day in middle school

#4- a day in high school

#5- the day you first fell in love

#6- the day you first held a job

#7- the day you found your first best friend

#8- a day you realized what you wanted to do/be

#9- the day you discovered the Internet

#10- a day you'd rather forget

#11- a daydream you have often

#12- a day you wish you could do differently

#13- a Christmas Day memory

#14- the day you hate to see coming

#15- the day you graduated (choose any that you remember most)

#16- the day of a child's birth (family or close friends apply)

#17- a day where you helped someone in a big way

#18- the last day of your first adult job

#19- your favorite day of the week and why

#20- the most memorable day of your childhood

#21- the day you met your most recent/or last love

#22- a day with the family you'll never forget

#23- the day you turned 21

#24- a memorable summer day

#25- a day you're currently planning for

#26- the day someone left and never came back (not death related)

#27- a day in your life (explain an average day of yours)

#28- the day you had your first fight. why?

#29- what you were doing today

#30-your proudest day to date

#31- Bonus Day: Pick a day you haven't described and share

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

I'm Addicted to You


You are one of my addictions

Once in the morning

Once at night

Sometimes again, in the wee hours

I love you

I start thinking about you toward the end of my work day, but I try to hold off for as long as I can.

If I don't keep myself busy when I get home, guess where I am?

You know...

I'm not sure I can describe the warmth I feel in your presence. It's almost a burning at first...

Then as my mind slips away, I try hard to remember how I feel just at that moment.

I love it hot. As things cool down, I heat them up again. Sometimes I even let you wet my hair.

This may sound crazy, but I like to do it at other people's houses too. Every experience is different.

I dig high pressure. Low? No go. It never lasts long. I think I'd like it with multiple heads.

I know they say we shouldn't do it too long, but I love my showers and I'm going to take long ones as long as I don't have to pay for water!

If I had this, I'd quit work so I could shower all day, LOLOLOLOL!

Such is life...

It's been a week since I've posted... I've just been dealing with some emotions. Life really is full of ups and downs and I honestly don't know how people who don't believe in God get by...

Last Wednesday I had that surgery to open my graft. I've had it so many times, I don't really even get anxious prior to surgery anymore.

I've tried to explain it before, but I found a really short video that can show you what happens during that surgery. Now they show 3 procedures, but the one they do on me is the first.

I went out last Friday and had a great time with some folks I'd never gone out with. Met some guys that were in town for business and we just talked and laughed until they turned the lights on.

I thought it was cute that one of the guys thought I was just a few years older than his 27. LOL, boy was he wrong!

Congrats to the Baltimore Ravens for their win. They've earned bragging rights for a year!

I thought Beyonce/Destiny's Child did a great halftime show. Kelly's been eating some red beans and rice and cornbread or something because she came back thick! Looks great on her!

I heard Keyshia Cole was going IN on Michelle on Twitter. Now I haven't seen these tweets personally, so it's all just hearsay on my part, but I HEARD that one of Michelle's fans (original rumor was that Michelle had sent it) had the ultimate comeback "I'm Destiny's Child, but you're Frankie's Child...you do the math. BOOM! LOL

Twitter beefs crack me up. I barely tweet anymore other than daily show reminders for TheSoulFM/Urbansoulz radio shows. Too many folks have too many opinons about too many things. (Remember, I'm trying to stay positive).

Yesterday, a friend's grandfather was laid to rest. It was a beautiful service. I was able to sit through it (I wasn't sure if I would be able to) and got to enjoy some waaaay overdue sisterfriend time and I got to see my babygirl (daughter of some dear friends) who is getting married in March.

I look at the calendar and realize that tomorrow is the anniversary of my son's father's passing and I know that's why I was extra emotional a few days ago. I think my emotions go haywire automatically, in the beginning of February anyway. I just think it starts a little earlier now.

And this too shall pass...

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Still Finding Joy!!!

I know it's been a few days, but you know how I am. Sometimes I get too busy for myself. Yes, I've still been blessed!

I am getting better at finding my JOY in all things.

Unfortunately my graft has clotted again, so I will be having surgery in the morning.

Where is the joy in that? Well, I can't remember the last time it clotted. I want to say before Thanksgiving. You know, last year I think it was once, twice a month for a couple, so the fact that it's worked so long with no issue has been a blessing.

The other blessing in this is that I am a stomach, right arm under my head sleeper and because of my graft, I can only sleep on my back or on my left side, so guess what? Tonight I'm sleeping on my stomach! <-------This brings me immense joy!!!

I just wanted to share!

You know, you don't have to just read. You can leave a comment sometime or even ask questions.

Thursday, January 24, 2013

We've Survived

It was a year ago today, at 2:55 or somewhere around there, that my Father's nurse came and told me that he was beginning to transition. He'd been in hospice for only a few days. He'd told me several times that he was just ready to go, but God wouldn't take him. I told him He would take him when the time was right and that his mama and sisters would welcome him with open arms.

I'm sure he knew he was in hospice. I believe he was aware of everything, his body was just shutting down.

I honestly think he waited until my mom left to go. She had been with him all morning and within 30 minutes of her leaving...

I had called my brothers, my Mom and had my sister on the phone. I put it up to his ear, so she could say goodbye. I had already told him it was ok. He didn't have to hurt anymore. The nurse kept taking his vitals. I think it was about 3:05 when she said it wouldn't be long because he'd stopped breathing, but still had a heartbeat.

Nearly 15 minutes later she took them again and she couldn't understand how he'd not been breathing but still had a heartbeat. I held his hand with one had and had my sister on the phone with the other.

My brothers finally made it and we all touched some part of him as his heart finally stopped. I remember looking up and seeing my kids in the doorway crying and I was helpless because I couldn't move.

I remember the nurse saying again that she'd never seen anyone with a heartbeat so long after taking their last breath.

As I stood there, still holding his hand, I remember two minister friends coming in. No one had called them, they'd just come. My mom came in, thinking he was still alive (I think the nurses had told her just to get back up there) and when my brother told her he was gone, it was like she turned into a little girl and said "he's gone?" and burst into tears.

I was in absolute disbelief that my Dad had survived Vietnam, a stroke and prostate cancer, but was taken out by pancreatic cancer within a month of diagnosing. I felt betrayed because they told him he had about 6 months to live and I wanted my 6 months. I was very angry because way back in September, when he kept complaining to his doctor and telling them at the ER that something was wrong, they kept telling him it was stress.

His stomach was hurting constantly, his appetite was diminishing and he was losing weight in record speeds and they said he was stressed. It wasn't until he went to the ER and DEMANDED they do whatever they needed to do to find out what was wrong and he wasn't leaving until they found SOMETHING, that they found it. By then the tumor had taken over and was nearly blocking his stomach and it was too far gone to do anything about it. Oh I get so angry.

I mostly get angry because I always knew no matter what, I could stop by his house house and always get an earful (even if it was a story I'd heard 3 times before) and a bunch of laughs and I did just that almost every single day.

I was excited that our office had just moved in December, right down the street from his house. I planned to go there for lunch every day. Now it's just a grim reminder that he's not there.

Were it not for a special someone near and dear to my heart, I'm not sure where I'd be. God placed him in my life to keep me in line. He prays for me and with me. He let me grieve but when it was going too far, he told me to get it together. He helped me get together the funeral programs, we talk every single day and I love him (and his family) to pieces.

One more thing. In line with my Count Your Blessings for 2013, I thank the Lord that I was able to spend every one of his last 11 days on this earth with him.

I didn't think it possible, but we've survived a year, one day at a time...

Friday, January 18, 2013

Today's Blessings

Went to the Ortho Specialist this morning and the diagnosis is some badly strained ligaments and a pretty bad case of osteoarthritis behind my knee. Yes, this is from that office, smh.

Treatment, 3 weeks of physical therapy to begin. If it doesn't improve any, then a cortisone shot.

Blessing, because I thought for sure he was going to say surgery.

Blessing #2, remember that person who was buying my son's birthday shoes? Well we got the $ today and he's got new shoes!

Blessing #3, I was at Walmart earlier and literally bumped into a friend who lives out east that had slipped into town unannounced. I was so glad to see her! This time last year, she was visiting for a totally different reason and it's funny how God brings things full circle. I did my heart good to see her.

I hope that these posts encourage you to look at your blessings daily.

Thursday, January 17, 2013

Counting My Blessings

I seem to only write a lot when I need to vent and when I read back over my posts, sometimes I think that people must think only bad things happen to me.

That's simply not true.

So, I've decided to try to write something that's good that has happened to me each day so that I can look back and see that despite everything I go through, I'm still blessed.

Today I received a late birthday gift...a $150 gift card for gas!


Thank you! LOL!!!

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Quick Testimony

I decided this year that I was going to be a regular tither. (Give God 10% of my gross earnings by way of the church-read about giving your firstfruits in the bible).

I also decided that if I did auto bill pay, I'd be less likely to dip into it for whatever reason.

I have to tell you God don't even play!

1/14 I was trying to figure out how to make $16 last 3 more days for 3 people to eat and get gas. I prayed about it and said God your word says you would take care of me if I give you my first fruits.

Bam! Someone texted me and said they had $40 for me!

1/15 I'm balancing my checkbook and realize that I had a $400 check in my register that was actually only written for $150.

Bam! Just like that, another $255

1/15 Someone offered to buy my son some badly needed shoes because she forgot to get him a birthday gift back in August!

Bam! Bam! Bam! Put your faith in Him and be obedient to the things He tells you and He WILL take care of you!!!

See ya!

Sunday, January 13, 2013

Am I Crazy or are YOU?

People either absolutely love me or absolutely hate me. Sometimes they even go from one to the other.

Why? I don't know. I do know it's usually women that do this. Very few of my male friends have flipped on me, leaving me wondering "what the hell?".

Women can be some strange beings. I say women because up to this very moment, to my recollection, I've never had a guy befriend me to get close to someone else, then create absurd scenarios in their head when it doesn't work.

I'm friends with some pretty fly guys. We talk about some deep issues, we talk about silly stuff. I ain't gonna lie, sometimes we talk about people. But the conversations never pass my lips again unless it's with that same person.

Someone close to me, not too long ago, did something and 2 people brought it to me before he did. When he did, he said to me, don't tell anyone because I don't want anyone to know just yet. I said honey, you must have told the wrong person because I've heard it twice already from two people who don't even talk to each other. Within a day, I heard it from a 3rd. None of those 3 people will ever know that I heard it elsewhere or who I heard it from.

People (women in this instance) like to gossip and when they don't get anything in return, they stop telling you things. That's happened a few times. It doesn't stop there though. I guess they realize all the stuff they dished and start getting paranoid about it. Like I'm going to tell on them.

Now the last time I was blocked by someone, it was because she was talking about me behind my back and smiling in my face. (You might remember this) The Spirit had already shown me what kind of person she was, so when I was around her, I spoke, but I was tight lipped. Well apparently that made her dislike me even more. Well, one day I logged into a friend's computer and apparently she'd just shut it down when she'd used it previously, because when it came on, it opened in her FB messages and the message that was open was her and another person I didn't care for, talking about me (and him) like a dog and confirming everything I already knew.

Well guess what? They got mad at me! One of the girls accused me of hacking her page. First of all, you can't hack something that's already open and secondly, it wasn't even her page, it was the other girl's page!

Well guess what? Both those heifers blocked ME! I got a chuckle out of that, but I kept on being me.

Apparently it's happened again. This girl is looney...when I figured out what she was about, I stopped speaking, aside from hello or very small talk. Guess what? I looked up one day and I was deleted from her page. This morning I was on a friend's page and noticed that someone's comment addressed her, but I didn't see her name anywhere. So I go to her page and she blocked me! OMG, I didn't just get a chuckle out of that, I had a full blown belly laugh and thanked the Lord for making these nut jobs remove themselves from my life!

Now I would LOVE for her to be a grown woman and tell me what I supposedly did for this to happen, but I know she won't. She's done something that she thinks I know about so she will have no contact with me.

Mental issues are rampant these days and in my opinion, the online world doesn't help one iota. It causes people to create these lives that they want for themselves or these pitiful lives so that people will feel sorry for them and help them out and when someone is on to them, they make up stories about what happened, causing people to choose sides, without really knowing the whole story.

Remind you of anything? Yep, grade school. That mentality of "If I already have people believing me, when that person tells the truth, no one will believe them". Scheisty mofos!

Guess what? I don't have to defend myself. The truth always comes to light...Always.

I can think of 3 instances right now, at 3 different jobs.

1. An employee was in the early stages of dementia and when she would get in trouble for not doing something correctly, she'd blame it on me. Instead of giving me a chance to explain, I was reprimanded. When they realized how bad off she was, they repeatedly gave her tasks they knew she couldn't do until they wrote her up so many times that they gave her the option of being fired or retiring.

2. A manager would steal money from someone's till (register) every time they made him mad. Just enough to get written up. Money had come up missing out my till enough times that I was about to be fired, when they caught him on camera, taking money from the till and putting it in his pocket. He got fired.

3. I was again unknowingly accused of stealing money from the till at another job. Someone's purse had come up missing from a locker and little did I know that security's eyes were on me. It wasn't until this woman went to make a drop at the office (that's when your till gets too full of money and you go turn in the excess at the money office) and they caught her on camera sliding money up her sleeve that they realized it was her that had been stealing all along. That's when that my so called work friends told me that they had accused me of doing it.

Yeah, always accused, always come out on top. I don't seek revenge, I sit around and wait for it to come. (Just FYI, all this stuff happened between 1986 and 2000, nothing recent because I started making sure I wasn't put in a vulnerable position as much as possible)

I'm not saying I'm perfect, but I am saying that if I was as vindictive as people make me out to be, I'd be crafty at it, laying the boom down every chance I got, so thank God I'm a changed person in that manner, because all the things I was told, I could certainly use against them...

Whew. Now that I got that off my chest, I can file that away under "has been".

Sunday, January 6, 2013

You May Not Really Be A Friend

Not sure how long or short this is going to be....

I think I'm a pretty good friend and some of the people who say they're my friend, really aren't. I don't know if they know they aren't or what...

To people I call friend, I am VERY loyal. I'm not taking what they say to me and repeating that info to someone else. I'm not judging them for things they say or do and I'm going to do what I can if/when they need me and if/when they need me, no one else needs to know it. When my friends need prayer, I will petition the Lord on their behalf. Last, but not least, if I consider you a friend and you do something against me, in a moment of WTF, I will forgive you.

That sounds wonderful right? And having a friend like that is. It's a shame though that the friendship I put out is returned by so few, but if you have one good friend, that's all you really need and I've got a couple more than that.

Now I also watch other friendships. People who SAY they are friends to other people, IN MY OPINION whose friendship isn't worth ish. Facebook has given people a false sense of friendship.

I don't call them on it, because it isn't always my place and mostly none of my business, but if someone asks me, I'll surely give my opinion.

Since this is my blog, I will give my opinion:

You are not really a friend if you tell your friend's business to someone else.

You are not really a friend if you rely on them financially, often.

You are not really a friend if you keep a lot of secrets from them.

You are not really a friend if you don't support them or you get attitude if they can't do something for you.

You are not really a friend if you base your friendship on what they may/can do for you.

You are not really a friend if you try to create sob stories so your "friend" will want to help you.

You are not really a friend if you say you'll be there for them and you decide one day to just leave.

You are not really a friend if you do things for them, expecting things in return.

There are way too many friends out there who really aren't friends. If you recognize yourself in any of these YOU are the non-friend. I have had "friends" that have done at least one of each of these things to me.

I had to let them go. (A couple family members too) I had to realize that I shouldn't put their needs/wants before mine and that at some point a person has to grow up and I wasn't helping. I missed them at first, but nearly 20 years later, they are still stuck in the same place, depending on other people. So sad.

Don't get me wrong, there is some family that will treat you like 2 day old shit too, but this post is about friends.

To find a good, loyal friend, you need to be one.