Just my thoughts...

Just my thoughts...
The randomness that is I

Sunday, July 31, 2011

Enjoy a spirit filled 2 hours of praise on Spreaker.com!

God is so good!

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Wednesday, July 27, 2011

10 Things I've Learned in the Past Year

I know people usually reserve this kind of post for the end of the year, but since I have so much time on my hands, I'm doing it now. Just posting as they come and not in any particular order and some lessons are really just reminders...

1. The last person you expect to preach the gospel, usually will.

2. Just when you think you're as strong as you can ever be, something happens and you find you're just a bit stronger than even that, with The Lord's help.

3. If you really have change in your heart, and God has verified it, nothing can stop that change from happening, be it personal, habit, relocation...

4. Some folks should make it clear when they say "I love you" whether they really love you or if they're "in" love with you...since so many like that play on words.

5. Everyone who's gone natural, can't use the same products. You still have to find what works for you.

6. There are still people who love unconditionally. I mean love hard (thank you)

7. Your intuition isn't 100% correct. Sometimes you're on the money, but sometimes you get blindsided.

8. Just because you haven't spoken with someone, doesn't mean you haven't crossed their mind often. (Thank you for not forgetting me, I never forgot you).

9. Cooking soothes my soul.

10. When it seems like things are going haywire in your life, don't you give up, you keep the faith, you're about to get a breakthrough.

Monday, July 25, 2011

Monday, July 25, 2011-My Hospital Stay

This entry is rather graphic and has a couple pictures, so if you have a weak stomach, I recommend skipping it.

I'd been doing so well at posting every day...then I started having health issues. In the past month, I've been in the ER 3 times, had an EKG and Echocardiogram (sp), had a vein mapping done, been hospitalized for 4 days and I'm still on the mend.

If you're a new reader, I'm a dialysis patient. Well, my arm they use for dialysis clotted up and they had to put a temporary catheter in my neck. A few days later, they took the temporary one out and put in a more permanent one in.

Those surgeries suck. You don't get the good drugs where they put you to sleep. They stick you in the neck 3 different times and give you a local anethesia and you're wide awake. They told me to turn my head to the left until my ear touched the pillow I was on and they said I'd feel a little pressure.

What I felt was a little pressure, but what I heard, was them slicing my flesh. There was much cutting and tugging and pushing and when it was nearly over, they said they were giving me a few stitches. Well guess what? By that time the lidocaine was beginning to wear off and though I didn't have all the feeling back, I felt small pinches where the needle went in and out of my body.

That was on Monday. I went upstairs to the dialysis unit at the hospital and sent home. Thank God I had pain medicine from Saturday because they didn't send me home with a thing. Not even dismissal papers.

My arm was in excruciating pain Tuesday and Wednesday. I was awaiting a call from my vascular surgeon, to see what he was going to do about my arm. Something told me that if I wanted results, I needed to be seen by my primary physician.

I called her office early Wednesday on the off chance that I didn't hear from the surgeon. Guess what? I didn't hear from him.

I went into her office Wednesday afternoon and I had a temperature, my arm was warm and red and I was taken to the hospital directly from her office.

It was late Thursday that my surgeon came to see me. He assured me that there was no worry of the clot breaking off and traveling to my heart or lungs. It was isolated. He still wasn't sure just how he was going to go about "fixing" things. He'd probably do my surgery on Monday.

Well, my kidney dr. came in on Friday and said he was not interested in waiting until Monday, he scheduled it for Friday morning.

Remember how brutal that surgery was on Monday? Well, I found myself back in that same room, turning my head until my left ear was on that pillow again. This time, I was given something in an IV that relaxed me and something else to supposedly ease the pain.

Well, I felt each snip of the stitches and I said OW each time, to let them know I felt it. Well honey, that man told me to hold my breath, so I did, and he started pulling the "straw" out of my neck. Did I tell you it is basically connected to my jugular vein?


Well, just as I recovered from that, they start applying pressure on it, so I don't bleed out. I did say I could feel this ish, right?

I thought I was going to pass out. Remember, my arm is still uber sensitive and they are slightly leaning on it during surgery.

Just about the time they go ahead and tape up my neck, they start cutting a little lower on my chest and put in a more permanent catheter.

Everything I went through Monday, I went through again on Friday...on top of that, my veins decided to play hide and seek, so when they came to draw blood for labs it was a no go.

It took six people to try and one person tried twice and on that 7th time, they finally got it.

I got to come home on Saturday evening. I won't complain about anything. Two people coded while I was there.

On Sunday I went to fill my prescriptions. One was for a mandatory dialysis med and the last time I tried to fill it over a year ago, my insurance would not cover it unless I did a mail order and then they'd only do it 3 fills at a time.

At first the girl in the pharmacy said that again, my insurance wouldn't cover it and it's a 30 day supply, for $533. Then I remembered a discount card that my social worker gave me. They wouldn't accept it the previous year, but I just couldn't throw it away. I handed it over and the girl said she'd try it. Well guess what? God is too good! That medicine cost me $5!!!!

It will be a few days until I show my face again since I'm recovering.

Keep in touch. Leave a testimony.

Sunday, July 17, 2011

30 Day Photo Challenge

This will be the fourth challenge I've done since October. I wanted to do something a little different because the last two forced me to really do some soul searching.

This one, I found online. Apparently, I just missed the Challenge, put forth by Amber Fischer Photography but I still want to do it. Sooooo, a few days after the end of the 30 Day Love & Truth Challenge, (the 25th to be exact, to give others the chance to finish the other challenges) this is what you can expect from me and I encourage you to join in and post a link in my comments.

Day 1: Me
Day 2: Yellow
Day 3: Sweet
Day 4: Low Angle
Day 5: Guilty Pleasure
Day 6: Home
Day 7: Red
Day 8: Feet
Day 9: Morning
Day 10: High Angle
Day 11: New
Day 12: Beautiful
Day 13: Noon
Day 14: Creative
Day 15: Necessity
Day 16: Print
Day 17: Real Life
Day 18: Zoom In
Day 19: Parent or close friend
Day 20: Favorite
Day 21: Time
Day 22: Happy
Day 23: Old
Day 24: Orange
Day 25: Evening
Day 26: Love
Day 27: Hate
Day 28: Summertime
Day 29: Dream
Day 30: Faceless Self Portrait

Friday, July 15, 2011

Day 30~ Did this love challenge teach you anything? If so/not...what/why?

This challenge taught me that I wasn’t over some hurdles of my past…BUT it helped me get over them.

This challenge taught me that I was giving some of the people I loved too much power. I, in my need to be loved, almost always made the object of my affection a priority, when I was only an option to them.

This challenge taught me that someone I’d considered out of my league, actually sees eye to eye with me on so many things and that we’ve got SO much love between us. (READ LOVE, not lust) He is genuine and has been such a big help with me maintaining my sanity these past few weeks and telling me like it is and I appreciate him so much.

This love challenge has shown me yet again, that I am a good catch and those that tossed me or didn’t appreciate me like I felt they should have, didn’t deserve me and that my destiny where they are concerned, really does lie in my hands.

This love challenge has shown me there are some people really discouraged about love. There is some bitterness about love. Some don’t even know what love is…not really. I’m sure there are some who refused to take the challenge because of the word “love”.

For some reason that little four letter word incites fear in the hearts of men and women everywhere. I feel sorry for them. They’re so afraid of love and or so incapable of trust, that they try to find everything they can to replace love and tell themselves they’re happy, when all they really need is love.

This was probably the hardest challenge I’ve done thus far, because it forced me to evaluate the value of past relationships and I realized that the good memories always shone brighter than the bad, masking them and making the relationships seem better than they really were.
This challenge has helped me define even more, what I want in a mate and what I need to be in a mate.

Stick a fork in this challenge my dears, it is done….Thank you Kween!!!

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Day 29~Write a letter to your soul mate (whether you feel you’ve met them or not)

I don’t know if I’ve met my soul mate or not. I know who I thought it was, but that notion went out the window (though God has such a sense of humor that he could be it after all).

Dear ___________,
I know that you exist…God wouldn’t have made me so full of love if you didn’t.

I’m not the easiest person to love all the time, that’s why you were equipped with extra patience.

I really thought this would be one of the easier tasks, SHEESH!
I’ve been waiting for you for a long time.

A lot of my thoughts about what would happen when you entered my life have changed.

I always thought we’d have this huge wedding, but I now desire a very simple and intimate beach wedding.

I always thought we’d have 5 or 6 babies, but that isn’t possible, I’ll love the “babies” you’ll bring as I’m sure you’ll love mine.

It would be nice if you were rich and could buy whatever you liked, because I always wanted the big house and fancy car, but I now know that if we’ve got love and the desire to do this thing called life together, big houses and fancy cars are nice to have, but we can be just as happy in a smaller home and car that we can actually afford.

I’m pretty simple like that.

I really thought in the beginning of this challenge that this letter would be all lovey dovey, but all I really want to say is hurry up and find me! LOL

I promise to love you and I love HARD! I’m loyal. I will take care of you the best I can. I’ll never mind doing extra when you want or need me to. I’ll be honest with you, because if I can’t, what’s the point?

I know we’ll disagree from time to time, but I promise to listen and talk with you and not belittle and talk AT you.

You are my King on earth and I will treat you as such and I’ll never attempt to take your place as head of household.
Soul mate, where are you?

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

You're Invited...

To join the Urbansoulz Family www.urbansoulz.com

We've got members from all over the world


Day 28~ If you had a choice between a love relationship and just sex [guaranteed]...which would you choose?

If I had a choice, I’d take a love relationship. Sex is so overrated to me. It leaves me feeling hollow if there isn’t love attached to it.

I THINK people that enter strictly sexual relationships are afraid of love. A lot claim to have trust issues, but er uh, don't you have to trust your sex partner?

If you don't, there's a problem. Now I know some people will scowl at that thought, but this question was posed to me and that’s how I chooose to answer.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Day 27~ Does anyone you've broken up with still love and pursue you?

Short and sweet answer? Like The God'ess said, love? I doubt it. Still pursue? Heck yeah. A couple. That's all the energy they get today.


I want to gripe about loyalty. The people I hold near to me I expect certain things from and when they disappoint me, I take it HARD.

When I've been everything I can to a person and when it comes time to return the favor (and I admittedly can be a piece of work), I expect them at the very least to respect my feelings, so when someone crosses that, it's very hard for me not to become bitter and it, for some reason, is harder for me to let it or them go. (yes, damn the grammar and punctuation)

I tend to give people chances upon chances. It's my nature. BUT, when I've reached the point that I feel it's time to let go? They'll most likely never achieve that high a position in my life again.

I know I'm complicated at times, but I can say it, and I also do what I can to see my part in things and possibly change them.

Without naming names (and this actually fits a select few), but if I tell you that I have certain feelings about something you said or have done and you basically tell me you're doing it to benefit you, damn my feelings, I'll get over it? As much as I've put myself out to and for you? For real?

Your season must be coming to a close. When your actions after that verify your selfishness in the whole situation? That shows me just how deep your loyalty to self runs. Well don't wonder why I don't have much to say anymore.

A wise man and a wise woman both said to me not too long ago that when someone's loyalty is to self so deeply, they have no boundaries. They do whatever they need to benefit themselves and to please themselves. They may appear to have loyalty to others in the beginning, but eventually self reappears and it doesn't matter what or who they step over to please that self. It will be done.

*It would be reeeeeeal easy to hand the mic to Cee-Lo, but this time I'm going to hand it to Ledisi*

Pieces of Me Lyrics

Verse 1:
People just don't know what I'm about...
They haven't seen what's there behind my smile...
There's so much more of me I'm showin out...
(These are the pieces of me)

When it looks like I'm up... sometimes I'm down
I'm alone even when people all around,
but that don't change the happiness I found...
(These are the pieces of me)

So when you look at my face...
You gotta know that I'm made of everything love and pain.
(These are the pieces of me)

Like every woman I know...
I'm complicated fo sho...
But when I love I love til there's no love no mo.
(These are the pieces of me)

Verse 2:
So many colors...
(I make up the woman that you see)
A good friend and lover
(Anything you want Yes I can be)
I can run the business and make time for fantasy
(These are the pieces of me)

Now I'm gonna make mistakes from time to time...
But in the end believe that I'm gone fly.
No matter if I'm wrong or if I'm right.
(These are the pieces of me)

Repeat Chorus

Ohhhh As the pieces of me start to unfold...
Now I start to understand....
All that I am..
A woman Not afraid to be strong STRONG...

Repeat Chorus

I'm a woman... A woman.. a woman woman woman.
Yes I'm a woman a woman..
these are the pieces of me... Yeaahhhh

Monday, July 11, 2011

Urban Soulz Lounge Magazine July 2011-Throwback

Check out the latest edition of the Urban Soulz Lounge Magazine!

26~ If your young daughter or son came to you and told you they were in love with someone your age...what would your response be?

My 13 year old? No go. PERIOD.

My 19 year old is technically legal to make decisions like that. I would ask him though, if he's in this relationship for the right reasons and what would he be bringing to the table. When it comes to relationships, he's got a pretty good head on his shoulders and doesn't do drama.

If this person has kids, I'd ask him if he were willing to be all that his father was not to him, because it's a package deal.

If after that discussion, he still wants to pursue it, I'd step back and let him. I've learned that when I don't want him to do something that I think isn't such a wise choice, if I let him go ahead, he'll realize it isn't for him a lot faster than if I tell him no.

Then again, they could be another Ashton and Demi...

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Happening Now!

Listen from anywhere in the world!!!!

Urban Soulz Inspirations-A musical tribute to Boo/Bert 07/10 by Urban Soulz | Blog Talk Radio

Day 25~ Looking back on your life...who taught you the most about what love is/isn't?

In my opinion, my family has taught me most both about what love is and what it isn't, just in the difference between my immediate family and extended family.

I'm enjoying a new kind of love from my UrbanSoulz Family.

I've taken a lesson on love from each relationship I've been in too. Some good, some bad.

Some have helped me become a better person and some have taught me what I'm not going to tolerate.

The most love unconditional? The love of God the Father, God the Son and God the Holy Spirit and a handful of some of the most loving people I've ever met in my life (some, who coincidently are part of my UrbanSoulz Family).

Join us at UrbanSoulz.com

Click here to visit


Saturday, July 9, 2011

The Baby Bling Show 07/09 by Urban Soulz | Blog Talk Radio

The Baby Bling Show 07/09 by Urban Soulz | Blog Talk Radio

24~ Have you broken anyone's heart?

Seems like I'm always on the hurting side of things, so without thinking, I would've said yes.

But I'm pretty sure my family was heartbroken when I had two kids with no wedding at ages 22 and 27.

I know I stopped dating one because I simply realized that he wasn't moving to where I am and I wasn't moving my kids and I to where he was at the time. I probably broke his heart. I really loved him though and I wanted him to have a chance to be happy with someone who was willing to relocated.

He ended up moving elsewhere and he hasn't, to my knowledge, found anyone worth keeping.

The one after that wasn't heartbroken. The one after that wasn't either. I seriously doubt this last one was either. Probably more disappointed than anything. Maybe not even that.

I do have this one friend that we decided to take things further and they ended up catching feelings and I didn't. I'm pretty sure that one is brokenhearted and that's why they keep doing the things they do. I don't know that for sure though.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure of at least two of those. The rest, they tried coming back, but as far as me breaking their hearts? I'll probably never know.

Friday, July 8, 2011

Join us right now!!!

Urban Soulz House Party 07/08 by Urban Soulz | Blog Talk Radio

Listen from anywhere in the WORLD!!!!

Day 23~Do you think love and marriage are synonymous?

No!! I've been in love with some who would NEVER be any good in a marriage.

I can understanding how some people date for crazy amounts of time. People are given a bit more rope. Give a little more leeway than when they are bound by a REAL committment, like marriage.

Some folks just aren't willing to go that extra mile, so it's best not to try.

Me, I want marriage. I appreciate the comraderie of two. I'm willing to do what I can to make things work.

I just thank God that the mistakes I've made were discovered before tying the knot. When I finally do it, I only plan on it being once.

Day 22~Create the perfect love scene

I guarantee that this isn't what you were expecting to read...

I'm so not on romance today.

The perfect love scene to me is this:

My sweetie and I. As in my future husband (whoever he is) waaaaay down the line.

Sitting on a porch swing.

Watching our children, grandchildren and possibly great-grandchildren.

Products of our blended family.

That, right there? That's love!

I know you are like what the what?!?!?! Hey, I don't know who's in my future!

Urbansoulz Speaks: I can't imagine this happening to anyone I know......

Urbansoulz Speaks: I can't imagine this happening to anyone I know......: "The answers are starting to emerge. It is hard to imagine them being any more heartbreaking. On May 22, I began a column by asking the qu..."

Urbansoulz Speaks: How do you find yourself?

Urbansoulz Speaks: How do you find yourself?: "Just when you think yoy have it all figured out there is somsthing else in the monkey wrench of life to throw your swagga off... Why?"

Urbansoulz Speaks: Relationships

Urbansoulz Speaks: Relationships: "Why is it so difficult to be understood by your mate? Do you ever feel like the more you try to explain yourself the less likely they will u..."

Thursday, July 7, 2011

21~ What is the most romantic location you would want to visit?

Just judging from pictures, I think that Bora Bora, Tahiti would be a top spot. It's hailed as the most romantic place in the world.

I'm a sucker for water and the visions I've seen of this place make me zone out every time.

To share a trip to this place with someone I love, would be a dream come true.

I've always been fascinated by any exotic locations and after visiting Jamaica last year, for the first time, I'm thirsty for more travel.

If you've never been out of the country, it's something else to be someplace that has places virtually untouched by man. It's easy to envision the Garden of Eden when you can look at all the greenery in it's natural state and stand in water that you see through to your feet.

According to a site I looked at, Bora Bora is 8 hours by plane, from LA and it's located in the South Pacific. It is in the same time zone as Hawaii, and the same distance south of the equator as Hawaii is north.

Look at these!

They are overwater bungalows- complete with glass floors and a private deck with a ladder to the water.

I'd also love to experience the culture.

Shoot, I could tell you about it all day, but until you can actually search and explore the website, you probably won't feel the way I do about it.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

20~ Do you believe in Long Distance/Internet Love? Why or Why not?

Yes I do...and they ain't easy.

My last 4 relationships have been long distance and I met them via internet.

What I've found is that LDR's can work, but both parties have to work at it. There can't be one sided traveling and there has to be a tremendous amount of trust from both parties.

My last 4 relationships started as internet love and evolved into LDR's. Only one reciprocated visits, but there were severe trust issues, so it was doomed before it started good.

For the most part, we're all still friendly toward each other, so I got a decent friend out of each, but I know that "He" is still out there somewhere and he may very well be e-mailing me right now.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

19~ What do you love to do the most?

What I love to do the most is pack up the car and the kids and drive.

Before I started dialysis, we would drive out to Virginia every other year. Now I just fly and usually solo, because I'm not at all comfortable, dialyzing and a bunch of different facilities.

I've been out east several times in the past 2 years and have found one particular facility I feel as comfortable at as I do at home.

The very best road trip that my kids and I have ever taken was a year or two before my Grandfather died.

We were supposed to leave at 5 am. I had everything sitting by the door, ready to pack the car. Someone moved the power cord for the new tv/dvd unit I'd bought especially for the trip, so that started things off on a sour note. It took almost 45 minutes to find it and it's probably a good thing no one ever 'fessed up to moving it.

Anyway, we finally got on the road by 6:30 am. We drove to Dayton, OH, stopping for breakfast, gas and regular bathroom breaks. In Dayton, we met up with a guy that fancied me in college, but we never became anything more than friends, to this day. We ate at Golden Corral (our first experience there) and enjoyed each other's company before getting back on the road.

We drove on to Wheeling, WV, where we spent the night. We got up around 8 am, ate breakfast and then took the scenic route through rural Pennsylvania, down to Gaithersburg, MD. When I say the scenic route, I mean 2 lane roads most of the way. It was an absolutely beautiful drive.

We stopped at lookout points often and even stopped at a general store kinda place, just inside the MD border. One of my kids wouldn't get out though and when we went to get out of the car, the first ladies we saw had 4 teeth between them. We went in and there were victims of taxidermy all over and we knew we'd hit the bathroom and jet! LOL

It took a minute, but we finally made it down to Gaithersburg, where we stayed overnight with my youngest son's godmother and her hubby.

We got up the next morning and drove down to Petersburg, VA where we stayed with my Grandparents for 3 days. It's funny, we skipped right past the DMV. At that time, I had absolutely not one friend there. Now that's where the majority of my friends are. Big difference a website makes (Yahoo! 360 R.I.P.).

We left Petersburg and headed down to Virginia Beach, where we stayed with the godmother's brother for a couple of days. I LOVE the VA Beach area. Now before we got to VA Beach, we stopped in Hampton and hit Hampton University to pay a surprise visit to my little cousin India. She had no clue we were coming and when we showed up, she'd been giving college tours and was really out of it. It didn't even click who we were for a few seconds, but when it did, she went screaming in the hall that her family was here to visit. We hit Norfolk for a day of sightseeing, touring a navy ship, taking a boat ride on Chesapeake Bay and visiting the Maritime Museum. The next day we went to our favorite spot, the Virginia Aquarium and Marine Science Center.

We left Virgina Beach reluctantly, but at the same time excited because we were next headed to North Carolina for the first time. We planned to spend the night in Raleigh and visit with friends for a few hours.

We left Raleigh and the plan was to spend the night in Frankfort, KY, but we got there after midnight and our room was given away, so I decided to drive on to Lexington, KY. Got there are there was some kind of tournament going on, so no room at any of the inns...

Well, I was starting to get tired, but I kept driving. Had I realized that I'd be driving so far, I'd have left earlier and rested more. This leg of the trip I was starting to feel fatigued. The only thing that kept me going was 112 and the cd with Peaches and Cream on it. I had that sucker on repeat. I was so tired by the time I went to lay my head down at the hotel, I couldn't even relax. Every time I drifted off to sleep, my eyes would pop open because I thought I was still driving. It was HORRIBLE.

I got a later start the next day because I wanted to be well rested. It was a nice drive though. A lot of forest. Weeks later, a girl from my hometown would lose her life along the very same highway.

We stopped at a beautiful catholic church I saw from the highway, in Indiana. I felt drawn to it when I saw it and it ended up having a little store that I bought a few things from.

Then we drove to and stopped in Mt. Vernon, IL. We planned to visit a friend the next day, so we got dinner and rested.

We got up the next day, visited my friend and headed home.

We clocked over 2,000 miles that trip and it was so worth it!

THAT, is what I love to do...

Monday, July 4, 2011

18~ Have you ever been in a love triangle...with you as the object of desire?

Are you kidding me?

Well wait...there was this one in the very beginning...I believe it was January '88. City Basketball Tournament weekend. I had broken up with one and started talking to the other. We were all at the basketball game.

I was with #2 and #1 wanted to speak to me. Well I gave him his 3 minutes and he used his time wisely, pleading for another chance, which he didn't get.

#2 got pissed off though because I even gave him a chance to plead.

#1 didn't just take no for an answer and continued to pursue me and things eventually came to a head and #1 had no choice to step back.

He still continues to pursue me to this day.

He just never can say goodbye...

Sunday, July 3, 2011

17~ Do you think young people can fall in love and it be true?

Yes, but it's extremely rare.

Every blue moon, you'll find a couple who has known each other all their lives, that are just ingrained in each other.

Sometimes they even make a connection in high school and for whatever reason, they just click for life.

Kinda thought it would happen for me like that, but er uh...no.


*walks away kicking rocks*"font-size-4">

Saturday, July 2, 2011

16~ Do you believe in love at first sight?

Love at first sight? That would be a no-no. Lust, yes...There's no way in the world that you can see who a person is truly, the moment you lay eyes on them.

All you see is the first impression, and rarely do you see in the beginning, what you actually get.

Friday, July 1, 2011

15~ Can you live without a love relationship?

I cannot.

I love too much and I enjoy loving on people. I don't, however, enjoy giving my love to people who take it for granted. I love HARD. I tell people that. A condition of my love is that you not take advantage of it and that you appreciate it. If you don't, I'll stop. There are a few instances where no matter how much I try to stop loving, I can't. In those cases, I distance myself and never let the person hear it from me again, if I can help it.

Fortunately, I have enough family to fulfill the majority of my need to love.

I also need to BE loved. I have a desire to share the love of one very special person in my life, that seems to elude me. Each time I think I've found him, it turns out I haven't and it cuts deeper than the last.

I have a small circle of friends that I enjoy sharing that hard love with. Unfortunately, that circle has begun to disentigrate. Not sure where that will end, but I know it's not because I didn't love...