Just my thoughts...

Just my thoughts...
The randomness that is I

Monday, October 31, 2011

Urbansoulz Inspirations: Inspirational and Uplifting

Maybe I shouldn't, but I have an issue with how some people assume that because I no longer go to a traditional church, that I can't possibly be getting my spiritual food.

I happen to be in front of my computer every Sunday from 5:30-7:30 (central) for Urbansoulz Inspirations. It's a radio show that's hosted by The Messenger aka DJ Tan. Now he's not an ordained minister, but God gives word to many, not just to "professionals".

My mother is a minister and I recognize when someone is anointed and this man most definitely is. How do I know it's God? Every single week, within 2 days, I get the same message (sometimes word for word) that he gave, from a totally unrelated source. That, I learned a long time ago, is how you can tell when a word is of God.

Isaiah 55:11-New International Version (NIV)

11 so is my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.

That is the scripture that says so. Again, if a message is truly from God, you'll hear something later to verify it.

Urbansoulz Inspirations is a weekly show that can be found at www.urbansoulzradio.webs.com or http://www.spreaker.com/page#!/show/urban_soulz_radio

The lesson this week was on pride-it's not all about you!

Some of the scriptures highlighted:

Proverbs 22:4-New International Version (NIV)
4 Humility is the fear of the LORD; its wages are riches and honor and life.

Proverbs 8:13-New International Version (NIV)
13 To fear the LORD is to hate evil; I hate pride and arrogance, evil behavior and perverse speech.

1 Peter 5:5-New International Version (NIV)
5 In the same way, you who are younger, submit yourselves to your elders. All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because,
“God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble.”[a]

Footnotes:1 Peter 5:5 Prov. 3:34

Mark 10:45-New International Version (NIV)
45 For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.”

We listen to music with a message and we even have a chatroom open during this time. Come join us! Again, it's www.urbansoulzradio.webs.com

Wednesday, October 26, 2011


Words can hurt or heal. What did yours do today?

After all that was swirling in my head the other day, this hit me like a ton of bricks today.

It all began with someone saying I was smart.

I mean I know I'm smart, I just forget it sometimes...

Let me explain. All my life, I've been an average student, an above average speller, and a horrible math student, but overall, I felt like I wasn't anything special either way and fit in with most people.

Then there was this person...

I don't know if he seems like such a monster to me because I allowed him to change me or if he really was one.

Anyway, up until this person came along, I had my "duh" moments, but for the most part, I kept it moving.

What this person would do though is just attack me verbally out of nowhere. At first I got mad and we would go at it. Then I discovered that if I just didn't say anything, it wouldn't last long. With that though, what he was saying was sinking in instead of bouncing off me and to this day, I slip into periods of feeling as I did when he said them.

He would call me dumb, stupid, idiot...anything to insinuate that I wasn't as smart as he was. The one who couldn't even pass his GED test...

Those words hurt me. It made me feel just like the picture above. Even though I knew they weren't true, after awhile instances would happen and I'd feel exactly that way.

When I started dialysis, (treatment involves removing my blood from my body and putting it back in and it really jumbles your hormones) it started affecting my memory and my comprehension and there are times that I get confused and all I can hear in my head was how stupid I am.

It's amazing to me that with all the praise that a person gets throughout their lives, that it's the negative stuff that seemingly never goes away.

The person that called me smart, probably can't imagine how good that made me feel this morning. They said it at just the right time.

Thank you.

With all that said, think about the way you talk to people. Especially children. Words stay with you for a very long time, if not forever.

Whoever ever said words didn't hurt, was damn lie. Break one of my bones instead. At least over time that will heal...

Monday, October 24, 2011

So, So Random!

Wooo weee! I have a lot of thoughts swirling in my head, but I don't think can put them down right now...

Maybe I'll just speak the subject "out loud" and talk about them later, when my mind is settled...yeah..











Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Sea Of Consciousness: New Beginnings

Sea Of Consciousness: New Beginnings: You bring about new beginnings by leaving behind the things that compromise your wholeness. We unburden ourselves by examining our emotio...

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

The Grudge

“Resentment or grudges do no harm to the person against whom you hold these feelings but every day and every night of your life, they are eating at you”

Norman Vincent Peale

*steps on soapbox and taps mic* Testing, testing, 1-2

This sista right here? I could hold a grudge! You did me wrong once and that was it. I held it against you forever!

Except for family and someone I was close to…I don’t know why, but I’d give them chance after chance after chance and they’d walk all over me each time.

I guess I wanted to hope that they could change…

And I’m the more forgiving sister…

I won’t put my sister out there like that, but what I will say is that if you mess up with her, you’d most likely better forget it.

I’m still really growing in this area, but the fact that I can say I’m growing, means that I WANT to improve.

Jesus just had to be…well, Jesus, in order to be able to forgive the way He did. People did a LOT worse to Him than what they’ve done to me.

We’re supposed to strive daily to be like Him, so I had to let go of the grudges.

Before I was able to get to this point where I am now) though, I had to work on my anger. It seemed like the more I tried to work on grudges, the more vengeful I got. This is what happens when you try to do it on your own, without praying.

I have been angered to the point that I’ve done some things I KNOW I’m going to have to answer to at the pearly gates and I probably could have been arrested a time or two!

I am proud to say that though I’m a work in progress, I mean, I refuse to be misused, but I handle it MUCH better.

(Did I tell ya’ll my sister used to call me Evilene?)


What I have come to realize is that when someone misuses you…when someone intentionally does things to you, makes comments about you, the problem isn’t really about you and it isn’t for you to handle.

Give it to God. Pray for that person because the problem is within them and may be fueled by jealousy or may just be fueled by an uncontrollable need to pick at someone to feel better about themselves and pray to be able to forgive them because holding a grudge doesn’t bother them one bit, it bothers YOU.

You just can’t give someone that much power.

Friday, October 14, 2011

100 Words: Love

Love is a noun.

Love is a verb.

Love can enrich your life and love can kill you.

Love is often misunderstood, but when it’s done right?

Many are on a never ending search for love. Some never really find it. They don’t really know what love is…not really.

Love isn’t always easy and it means that sometimes there will be sacrifice.

I always thought I was an expert on love. Knew what it was all about, was going to find it and keep it.

I have failed miserably.

Eh, maybe one day love will show up.

I’m still waiting.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Short and Sweet

I've noticed for the past few days, that Eva Marcille, one of our Urbansoulz Family members has been tweeting about her team for the 2011 AIDS Walk Los Angeles.

If you would like information on how to donate toward Eva's team or would like more information on the AIDS Walk, please hit the link.

2011 AIDS Walk Los Angeles

Thank you for supporting AIDS Walk Los Angeles benefiting APLA. Your contribution is greatly appreciated.

Remember every little bit helps!

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Today's Post

I decided that today's post would be a private one, to my best friend.

I think he's such an awesome person and I love him very much.

There were some things I needed to say to him and the fact that I felt convicted to tell him in my dream, signaled to me that it was time.

Well six written pages later, I have to get the nerve to type it and press send.

I know I will because now that I've posted this, he's not hardly going to let it slide...

Thursday, October 6, 2011

What is a Listening Party?

A Listening Party is when Da Marshall spotlights one artist or group (sometimes two artists) for his Thursday radio show at 8pm EST.

Last week was Teena Marie and Rick James. Tonight it's Biggie and Tupac.

There are several shows on his site during the week.

Tomorrow night, you can hear DJ Tan aka The Messenger at the Urbansoulz Friday Night House Party from 9-11 pm EST. He plays a variety of music, new and old school!

Saturday you can hear DJ's DiamondzzBling or Baby Bling from 8-9pm EST, if we're blessed, we get to hear them both. You'll hear a great mix of music guaranteed to keep you dancing in front of the monitor!

Sunday it's The Messenger with Urbansoulz Inspirations. The Messenger always brings a word from God and the spirit is amongst us as he plays inspirational music from 6:30-8:30 EST.

Wednesday brings The Hump Day Happy Hour Sexy Chillout with DJ Jazzirella at 8pm EST. DJ Jazzirella somehow finds THE sexiest, most chill versions of your favorite songs.

During each show, the chat room is on FIYAH!! You never know how many will be there! It's always respectful and it's always fun!

There are impromptu shows as well as Morning Meditations with The Messenger from time to time. You can relive each show at www.urbansoulzradio.webs.com

Like Urbansoulz on Facebook

Join the Urbansoulz website

What is a Listening Party?

A Listening Party is when Da Marshall spotlights one artist or group (sometimes two artists) for his Thursday radio show at 8pm EST.

There are several shows on his site during the week.

Friday nights, you can hear DJ Tan aka The Messenger at the Urbansoulz Friday Night House Party from 9-11 pm EST. He plays a variety of music, new and old school!

Saturday you can hear DJ's DiamondzzBling or Baby Bling at The DiamondzzBling & Baby Bling Show from 8-9pm EST, if we're blessed, we get to hear them both. You'll hear a great mix of music guaranteed to keep you dancing in front of the monitor!

Sunday it's The Messenger with Urbansoulz Inspirations. The Messenger always brings a word from God and the spirit is amongst us as he plays inspirational music from 6:30-8:30 EST.

Monday it's Neo Soulz Cafe smooth grooves of Neo Soul with DJ Izabella from 8-9 EST. Tune in to wind down from your hectic Monday.

Wednesday brings The Hump Day Happy Hour Sexy Chillout with DJ Jazzirella at 8pm EST. DJ Jazzirella somehow finds THE sexiest, most chill versions of your favorite songs.

During each show, the chat room is on FIYAH!! You never know how many will be there! It's always respectful and it's always fun!

There are impromptu shows as well as Morning Meditations with The Messenger from time to time as well as jazz podcasts with Northern Lights. You can relive each show at www.urbansoulzradio.webs.com

Like Urbansoulz on Facebook

Join the Urbansoulz website

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

My Heart Is Very Heavy

It's never easy to see when a life is lost. It's especially hard for me if they're under 30.

This morning, my friend told me that she lost her 19 year old daughter over the weekend and it just knocked the wind out of me.

First of all, I have a 19 year old son and just can't imagine...Secondly, though I'd never met her daughter, she proudly talked about her all the time, so I feel like she was at least an acquaintance.

I don't know what to do that I could ease the pain I know my friend is in right now. Probably nothing except pray, which I have been doing.

I met Sherry Bryson back on 360 and we came together again here on Urbansoulz. We usually called in right after the other when the shows were still on Blogtalk radio. When everyone moved to FB, when I stopped playing Mafia Wars, I lost constant contact with Sherry.

Sherry you are in my prayers.

May Shanice rest in eternal peace.

Sherry said I could share a few pictures of her beautiful child.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Katrina: A Re-post

I found a bunch of blogs I'd saved from 360, on my work computer and it's been interesting re-reading them to see where I was back then.

Funny that I had this message back on 360, without even knowing anyone who was affected. Now I've got a whole lot of NOLA family. Didn't know what was really going on there, just what the news wanted us to know. I don't even think we knew the truth about the levees at that time. I'm thinking that I didn't use the name Katrina because at that time, we didn't realize the full horrific outcome of the storm. I don't even remember who the prayer was for at the end. I hope it helped.

I can remember watching CNN and not being able to stop crying and going between empathy and anger at the newspeople's choice of words...the refugees...how the hell are American citizens refugees? I finally had to force myself to stop watching, same as I had to do with everything surrounding 9/11. It was making my heart too heavy.

I sent up so many prayers...I still do.

Entry for September 05, 2005

I can't really explain the mood I've been in lately, except there aren't many people I've felt like being bothered with, hence the reason the no-shows who invited me to join their friend list have been removed. A friend isn't someone you meet one day, then never talk to again. Therefore, the people I have on my list are all personally known to me and each have a place in my heart, with the exception of Unique, I just dig his work....

I think my mood has a lot to do with the hurricane that hit Alabama, Louisiana and Mississippi. I have had all types of emotions running through me. It was a terrible event that I wouldn't wish on anyone and I wonder why people didn't leave when they were warned. I pray for Ray Nagin, mayor of New Orleans because there must be tremendous pressure on him right now.

I was absolutely furious to hear that the humane society was able to move hundreds of animals to safety before anyone moved people from the two major points of safety that everyone was being moved to. I was furious that people in 2005, were forced to live in such squalid conditions, without food or water for DAYS... I was upset that in the beginning only 500 officers were sent to help from the federal government. I'm extremely upset that at this time of absolute disaster, there were those who took advantage of the lack of authority and bound together as gangs to rape and steal from other survivors.

Only people with mental or deep spiritual problems could see this as an advantage to prey on others.

I can't help but think that yes, God allowed this to happen, but maybe it wasn't to hurt those who were injured or killed, the bible says that Satan is the one who comes to steal, kill and destroy whether it's physically or spiritually. Maybe some of these people were bound by a life of poverty (that's what I keep hearing), maybe God has something better for them. Maybe taking all they have is the only way that God can move them toward the type of life He wants for them, the type of life they really deserve.

The only one who really knows is Him.

**One foot off my soapbox**

I hope that you have prayed about what God would like for you to do to help those who have been displaced. If giving money is what your choice is, I urge you to find a company that offers to match all donations, that way you're actually sending double the support you are able to give.

*stepping all the way down now*

Thank you for stopping by....

To my heart, you know who you are...The devil has got you down, really down, for what reason I don't know, but know that when he's on you that tough, God's got a true blessing in store for you. I hurt for you because I know how you feel. I know I'm probably the last person to give you advice especially since I'm always asking you for some, but even if you just say the name Jesus every day, He can bring you out of anything. I know you're tired, but just hold on...mmmuahhhhh!

Monday, October 3, 2011

It began like any other morning...

Hitting the snooze button a couple of times before dragging myself out of bed.

I sat on the side of the bed for another few minutes, trying to shake sleep.

I finally get up and head for the bathroom. I always turn on the water while I “use it”, so it’ll be just right when I step in.

I step in and enjoy the warm water hitting my sore back (my mattress sucks) as I begin to awaken.

I look at the shower head as I turn the water up just a couple of notches (sometimes I get it so hot that my skin is fire red when I get out) and as the hot water hits my breasts, they start to tingle.

Not an arousing tingle.

The kind of tingle I felt when it was time to nurse my baby. *side note* When you nurse your baby, sometimes it’s your breasts, not your baby that tells you it’s time to feed. You get this heavy feeling and your nipples tingle. The only problem with that indicator is that at that time my son was oh, 7 years old.

When you feel that kind of pressure, the relief comes by squeezing a little milk out so you’re not so full. Sometimes while nursing, just the hot water itself will send milk shooting every which way. I used to have milk fights with my babydaddy

Anyway, by instinct I squeeze my breast and lo and behold MILK CAME OUT!!!! It wasn’t a whole lot, like when I was nursing, but the fact remained that they hadn’t served as dinner for some 6 years and a few months.

I did my routine breast exam and found nothing out of the ordinary, You might want to check with your doctor or a clinic, they may have a model you can have/use to see what feels normal or not because we do have a natural lumpiness at times – nevertheless, I made an appointment that morning.

I was on pins and needles until the day I went about a week later. I had my first mammogram at 35. I was scared at what they might find and I was amazed at how flat...never mind, lol. It was virtually painless. Uncomfortable, no doubt, but really painless. I got a bad case of the giggles too because they put a little metal bb on my nipple as an indicator of something for the xray, I never actually got the gist of it because I was too busy feeling Madonna-ish.

I wasn’t sure what to feel while I waited for the results. At the front of my mind though was the fact that my son had already lost a parent and the reality of “tomorrow isn’t promised” was in my face yet again.

Three days later, I was back in the doctor’s office because they needed to get a second set of xrays. The next afternoon, I got a call from the doctor’s office telling me I needed to come in.

I really wish they’d just tell you what the deal is over the phone because you could really kill someone on the drive there with all the thoughts and concerns going through your head.

Anyway, I get there and fret the whole time I’m in the waiting room until FINALLY they call me in.

The doctor sits me down and explains that they’ve found a lump in my lymph node and somehow the pressure from that was pressing in my milk duct and therefore causing it to produce a small amount of milk.

She needed to find out if the lump is cancerous, so she schedules a biopsy for me right then. My body gets real cold, like the blood drained out of it. I get chills and begin sweating all at once. Somehow I get up from the chair, walk out of the office and drive home there was no way I was going back to work after that.

Fast forward a couple of weeks. I asked my boyfriend’s mom at the time, if she would go with me because I really didn’t want to say anything to my family unless I knew something for sure. She reluctantly agreed and then backed out two days before, telling me that my mother really ought to be the one to go with me.

I was not that close to my mother at all. We’ve got a better relationship now and it’s still not all that, but I really felt uncomfortable asking her. I got up the nerve to ask and she said she’d come.

Fast forward 2 days. I’m in the parking lot waiting for her to show up. It’s almost 20 minutes until I need to check in and I don’t see her.

Then 10, then 5...no mom.

I drag myself out of the car and into the hospital. I check in and they wheel me back to the room where it’s all going to happen.

Big, bad me...Super Woman, is scared as hell.

The nurse explains the procedure and I look at a tray with several pristine metal tools and the needle from hell. She explains that they will give me a shot to numb the area a shot in my fuckin armpit? Are you serious? You’re not going to put me to sleep?!?!?! Then the large needle will only go in so far, but that needle opens up and a small tool comes out and it will clip tissue samples from the lump.

Tears slide down my face because the last place I want to be is on this table, in this room, letting these people remove parts of my body, no matter how small.

I’m not sure how long the procedure is because I silently cry the whole time as the nurse holds my hand and tries to comfort me while they do everything.

They’re going to find cancer and I’ll have to have my breast removed and I don’t know how I can deal with that. God, help me deal with this. PLEASE! Don’t let them find anything. I pro..Please! I almost make the mistake of trying to bargain with God. I finally just say Your will be done.

They send me home with a nice strong prescription and a ice pack.

I call my mother to find out what happened and she says she thought it was tomorrow.


Two weeks later, I get a call from the surgeon’s office saying the lump is benign.

My story had a happy ending. Take steps to be sure that yours does too.

Be aware.

Originally posted in 2004

Sunday, October 2, 2011

100 Words: Wall

When my thoughts are scattered or I don’t know what I want to write about, I do 100 word posts. I picked this up from someone I’m following on blogger, who calls herself Bag Lady.

By nature, I’m a strong person. I’ve never been coddled. I’ve always been made to feel that I really can’t depend on anyone but myself. Now that I have others I can depend on, it isn’t always easy to open myself up to them.

I’ve got a wall built up and it protects me.

Problem with always being strong is that when something gets to you, everything that happens immediately after gets to you, no matter how stupid or petty it is.

If I were the person I used to be, there would be problems.

Thank God I’m not.


Saturday, October 1, 2011

When Something Isn't Right....

Now that I'm back in writing mode, you're liable to get 2-3 posts a day, so I apologize in advance...

Last night my Multiply password miraculously popped into my head and I spent a few hours reading posts from Creole Masala and Renee "Nae" Williams, two dear friends of mine who have gone on to glory...I cried, I laughed and I looked up some of you that I didn't know back then.

It's crazy that we still had a mutual friend, but it just wasn't our time to connect. You're about to meet the me that Dante first connected with. I pride myself in being the same basic person, just having grown in some areas.

I read through a lot of my blog posts and am SO thankful that I'm not that person anymore, but there were posts that showed me how strong I am too. It doesn't seem like it to me because I don't dwell on it, but I've been through A LOT. I will be re-posting some of those in the next days in hopes that they help others to understand that they are not alone in some experiences.

I warn you that I am raw and you may not agree with some things, but hey, it's my blog...

The following is a re-post from December 2007. As far as I've come, I still feel this way. God hasn't pressed me to change, so it isn't my time.

I may be wrong as two left feet for this, but I've been avoiding an old friend of mine like the plague.

It's been almost a year now. I really feel bad about it, but I don't know what to do. I don't know if I can handle it or if I even want to.

Let me start from the beginning...This girl and I became friends in 7th-8th grade. We only hung out at school and talked on the phone because her dad (who was a drug dealer at the time) was never home and my momma didn't play that.

We kinda hung out at school through freshman year, when she got pregnant. We were still friends, but she was all wrapped up in this guy and he and I had a serious hate/hate relationship from childhood.

She had her baby and even called me from the delivery room to tell me so (that was before it was "cute" to have a baby. You still lost friends back then).

After she had the baby, she transferred schools and eventually moved.

Almost 20 years passed before I'd see her again. When I do, she's had 5 more children, by I'm not sure how many fathers and is living in New York. She comes by and basically brags about her family her wonderful husband and in mid-visit flips the switch and talks about the marital problems she's having.

I do a mental double-take and don't say anything, but now I'm looking at her crazy because she's gone flipmode in a matter of minutes. After a few hours of this, she leaves. I don't hear from her again for almost 2 years.

This year an unfamiliar number keeps showing up on my caller ID and no message is left. I don't return these kinds of calls because if it's not important enough to leave a message, well, for all I know, it could be a wrong number.

One day my then 10 year old comes home with a little piece of paper with a phone number on it. The number on my caller ID. A little girl in his class said her aunt wants me to call her. I put two and two together and figure out it's her.

At this time, I'm feeling pretty bad physically and when I'm like that, I just want to be alone to deal with it by myself, so I don't call.

A few weeks later, I run into the girl's grandmother who tells me that my friend has been diagnosed as being severely Bipolar. She's been in a mental hospital for months and refuses to take her medication. She calls folks and tries to get them to help her get out and ends up cursing them out when they don't do what she wants them to do.

I ran into a mutual friend who had talked to her several times. She said that it upsets her so much each time they talk because she's just not her old self.

Now I have no problems with physical disabilities. I don't do well with mental disorders, so I've avoided her at all costs.

Well, I ran into her dad over the weekend and he tells me that she's been released from the hospital and is getting her own place.

Am I wrong for still not wanting to deal with her?

Later, after discussing her condition with mutual friends, I decided that I'd made the right move in not dealing with her.

In 2011, she's gotten so bad that her kids and family don't really deal with her, but she's wise enough to put on an act that things are "normal" for now.

Unfortunately there WILL come a time that she will no longer be able to fake it and because she refuses to take her meds regularly, it won't be pretty. I just continue to pray for her...