Thursday, December 16, 2010
If you've been reading my posts, you know I usually have a hard time during the holidays. Depression has accompanied each season for a number of years.
Well, I was bound and determined that I wouldn't be in that funk this year and it seems the more I try to fight it, the more it tries to pull me in.
Someone close to me attempted to take their life a little more than a month ago and someone I knew was successful in ending his life a few days ago. That's kind of an oxymoron, a successful death.
I've worked indirectly for this person for the last few years and though we weren't close friends, he knew and spoke to me away from the office and I was fortunate to have shared a table with him at a luncheon.
At any rate, as much as I've tried to be non-emotional, my emotions have taken over.
I want to take off some time and stay in bed all day. If I do that though, it will get worse, not better.
I'm angry. Angry that people are left to put together the pieces. Angry that some questions may never be answered.
Sad that these people felt that ending their lives could possibly be an answer. Sad that these people have mothers who are questioning themselves about their children's decisions.
Hurt for the children who don't understand what has happened. Even more hurt for the children that do.
I'm tired of being weepy. It just sneaks up on me at the most inopportune times and dammit, I'm tired of this headache!
I think one of the hardest moments in all of this, was watching the person who "offically" broke the news to us, trying to keep his composure in explaining things.
I remember a guy in college swallowing a whole bottle of pills and after they pumped his stomach, not even a day later, when I went to visit him in the hospital, he was glad someone found him in time.
NOTHING is that serious. I've had some pretty low times in my adult life and I've wanted to just get in my car and go away to a place where no one knew me, but I'm an influence in too many lives to just take myself out like that.
That's a punk move.
At the very least, think of your parents and your kids. Peace and blessings to those left to pick up the pieces.
*slams mic down and walks off*
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Yes, I admit it. I have road rage.
No, I'm not going to wave a gun at you or chase you down, but you WILL get a good cussing out, if you do something stupid that causes me to have a near accident. Yes, I have envisioned myself issuing a beatdown if someone does something that results in one of my kids getting hurt. I'm just telling you now, so you know...
I wasn't always this way. I'm not a bad driver either. I don't weave in and out of traffic or ride right up on someone's ass...well, unless they've cut me off *looking around*
I think this road rage thing started after I had kids. Just the thought of someone causing me to have an accident and/or hurt one of them just burns my ass.
Actually, I think it started after I was in an accident in which I was on a busy main parkway and this idiot pulled out from a side road and just slowed down in front of me. I swerved to avoid hitting him and guess what he did? Pulled forward more, I guess in an attempt to cross the parkway anyway.
Oh, I was HOT! I was in the car with my mom, sister and son. We pulled over, so as not to cause another accident and someone called the police.
While my mom and I were in front assessing the damage, el stupido was toward the back of the van, calling his lawyer dad, telling him he just hit someone and didn't have insurance. How do I know that? Oh, he was talking near the open window where my sister was sitting.
When the police officer got there and requested license and registration and everyone produced them, my sister piped up and told the officer the whole conversation dude had (that's why I could never trust her when I was in sneak mode, LOL).
Ends up that he was a licensed doctor that had been suspended from AMA (American Medical Association) for who knows what. His insurance had expired and my mom's insurance company ended up taking him to court.
Ever since then, when people do STUPID shit, I start screaming at them or mean mugging (glaring) them down. Like the woman who pulled out in front of me(again) from a parking lot yesterday, when there was fresh snow on the ground.
In my head, she got the beatdown of her life.
Yeah, I've got road rage.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Billy Brents wasn't my age, nor was he anyone I hung out with. I think he was my brother's age and our families go way back.
I first really paid attention to him when he played basketball at the high school I used to go to. He was probably about 8-9 years behind me.
I remember he was a light-skinned, freckle faced cutie and his sister was the female version of him.
He was a friend of a friend's younger brother. Cool people.
I wasn't surprised to hear that after graduation, he moved (all who can, do, even for a little while) to Florida.
A couple of years passed before the next time I saw Billy. I was in the grocery store and he introduced me to his boyfriend. I was a bit surprised, but no biggie. I was more surprised to hear that he'd moved back home.
I was saddened to learn days later, that he had moved back home because he had full blown AIDS.
Did I go and sanitize the clothes I'd worn the day I hugged him? Or wash my skin with bleach? No. What he had, couldn't be "caught" by touching, hugging or even breathing the same air he breathed. I felt for him though, because he was so young.
The next time I saw Billy, it was clear that his health was getting the best of him, but still he smiled when he saw me and still, I hugged him because he was still the same old Billy.
Although we were never best buddies, I'd like to think I made some type of impact on him just by treating him the same way I always had and not judging his choices, after all,they were HIS, not mine.
I would hope that if someone you know and/or love, is gay or has contracted HIV or AIDS, that you would remember the person they were and the person they are is still one and the same and that you wouldn't look down on them.
I see ya freckle face...