'Tis Never The Season

If you've been reading my posts, you know I usually have a hard time during the holidays. Depression has accompanied each season for a number of years.

Well, I was bound and determined that I wouldn't be in that funk this year and it seems the more I try to fight it, the more it tries to pull me in.

Someone close to me attempted to take their life a little more than a month ago and someone I knew was successful in ending his life a few days ago. That's kind of an oxymoron, a successful death.

I've worked indirectly for this person for the last few years and though we weren't close friends, he knew and spoke to me away from the office and I was fortunate to have shared a table with him at a luncheon.

At any rate, as much as I've tried to be non-emotional, my emotions have taken over.

I want to take off some time and stay in bed all day. If I do that though, it will get worse, not better.

I'm angry. Angry that people are left to put together the pieces. Angry that some questions may never be answered.

Sad that these people felt that ending their lives could possibly be an answer. Sad that these people have mothers who are questioning themselves about their children's decisions.

Hurt for the children who don't understand what has happened. Even more hurt for the children that do.

I'm tired of being weepy. It just sneaks up on me at the most inopportune times and dammit, I'm tired of this headache!

I think one of the hardest moments in all of this, was watching the person who "offically" broke the news to us, trying to keep his composure in explaining things.

I remember a guy in college swallowing a whole bottle of pills and after they pumped his stomach, not even a day later, when I went to visit him in the hospital, he was glad someone found him in time.

NOTHING is that serious. I've had some pretty low times in my adult life and I've wanted to just get in my car and go away to a place where no one knew me, but I'm an influence in too many lives to just take myself out like that.

That's a punk move.

At the very least, think of your parents and your kids. Peace and blessings to those left to pick up the pieces.

*slams mic down and walks off*