Just my thoughts...

Just my thoughts...
The randomness that is I

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Thanksgiving Eve

In the beginning, I was only making a roast and a key lime cake.

Then my kids complained that there are never any leftovers from grandma's except sides and they talked me into roasting a turkey breast, garlic mashed potatoes, corn pudding (again) , stringbeans (I got my youngest to snap em for me), macaroni and cheese and a key lime cake (because everyone always gets greedy at grandma's and there's none of that left over either).

And so I cook...

The beans smell wonderful. I tossed a smoked pork shank in them this time instead of turkey.

The roast is in the crock pot (shhhh, let em think I slaved).

The potatoes are peeled (WHY'D I get Yukon Gold instead of Russets? Daggone Paula Deen!)

I think I'll do the corn pudding tomorrow. Either I'll be in it or the oldest will and then I'd have to cut him.

Have a Happy Thanksgiving and take time to reflect the everyday people in your lives. Even the ones who test you.

I'm thankful that I'm getting through this with no alcohol!

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Silently Screaming

I don't know if you can identify with what I'm about to say, but here goes...

Oftentimes growing up and even sometimes now, I experience people speaking over me. I can be in mid-conversation and I guess the person to whom I'm speaking, feels their conversation is more important.

I used to try and speak over them, but I'd always end up just clamming up and screaming all I had to say, silently, in my head. Now, I figure if they feel the need to talk over me, then they don't deserve my conversation at all.

It really used make me feel like a nobody. Like what I had to say had no merit, so if I wanted to be heard, I either had to make it funny or extra loud. That's why I find it so funny that people tell me all the time, that they enjoy my blog and that I'm so inspiring to them.

So if we're ever talking and I seem to be getting louder, shut up, because I've got something to say!

LOL! For real, just listen.

I wrote a poem about it. Wanna read it? Here it go! (Only fans of In Living Color will get that)

Silently Screaming

My voice is weak
Can't you hear me speak?

Do my words come out as a whisper?
Anything but a "come hither" seems to be ignored.

Are you bored?
Is my conversation not good enough?

Are my words not the stuff your time is worth of?

Sometimes I feel I have nothing to say.
Well, nothing of value, that's how you portray.

Sometimes I ramble. Sometimes I complain.
My words don't come down as falling rain.

I mostly keep my words to myself
but sometimes the words I speak are a wealth
of information

Intelligent even. Wise.
Even if not in your eyes.

Monday, November 22, 2010

It Takes All Kinds: An Observance of Couples

People love differently, most realize that. I'm just putting down in writing, some things that have been in my head. Probably boring to most, but guess what? This is my spot! LOL

I've observed several couples that I'm friends with.

One couple is ridiculous with it. I wanna be them when I grow up. No matter what it is they're going through, they are there for each other, even when one of them is the issue. They are like the poster children for great couples. If she tells him something bothers her, he might not have the solution, but he asks if there's anything he can do to make it better and vice versa. When there's nothing the other can do, they give each other space, without being too far away. Some may call them whipped, I call them balanced and I (for lack of a better word) envy them because they've found what works for them.

Another couple, rarely does anything together on a daily basis, but they "date" on the weekends, go to church together and they travel together and though I've known them over 30 years, I've never heard them disagree. I'm sure they do, but you know the old school couples don't let their business be known.

Then you have the lovey dovey couple with the pet names, who sit right on each other and they are so flowery, you find yourself wishing you had allergies so you don't have to be around them. Then one day, they don't want to be around themselves and they are no longer together. My guess is that they were so busy being in love that they never really got to know each other. Again, just MY observances and theories.

There is a couple I know where the husband is HENPECKED!! I mean, I'd be surprised if dude didn't wait for her to pick out his drawls in the morning (that's underwear, for those who don't know). She's cocky with it too. Everyone knows that he clears every step he takes, with her first.

On the other side of that, is a couple where the husband doesn't let the wife do anything. She can't hang out with girlfriends because they're a bad influence. She can't join a gym, there will be too many men gawking at her, stuff like that. Basically, she can go to the grocery store and to church. These last two are no way to live, but if they like it, I love it (I personally don't see any way possible that they can be happy, but it's not my call).

Another couple I've observed for years, and it's really sad. They basically tiptoe around each other at home and each of them has a significant other outside the home. It's unfortunate, because I think that this type of household has ruined their children. The daughter is bitter about every damn thing and the son has been an alcoholic for YEARS. I wish people would care just a bit more about what they do and how they do them affects others.

The last two are sad to me...the husband is very loving, would do anything for his wife and children and she appreciates him not one iota. You always see him toting the kids, doing the grocery shopping, doing the school events, etc. She does her own thing, whatever that may be.

The last woman, I wish I could fix up with the last husband. She's not without issues, but she is very loving and devoted and does what she can to really show her man that he's always on her mind and he goes back and forth between loving on her and ignoring her. It causes her to have serious highs on her good days and sometimes dangerous lows on others. I sometimes think he's not worth the ground he walks on when it comes to relationships, he's a good man otherwise.

Again, just my observations. No criticisms. No solutions.

I guess when it's all said and done, it's about finding someone who loves you the way YOU need to be loved.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

I Love My Family, LOL

We have fun if we don't get together too much, LOL.

We managed to share some laughter in the midst of a trying time and I wanted to share it with you.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Happy Holidays?

I copied a status I saw on Facebook yesterday. It said

DEPRESSION is not a sign of weakness, it is a sign that you have been trying to be too strong for too long.

I SO idenify with that statement! For so long, I thought of my depression as weakness. That's what we as black women, are taught. I don't know, maybe it's just something that women are taught, period.

Be the keeper of your household. Everything rests on you. Be strong! Just pray and keep going. <----that might get me in trouble with some folks.

I say that there comes a time when every person needs help coping, be it by talking to someone about their problems or even getting medication for it.

This year has been really hard for me and I've had plenty of ups and downs, but traditionally, the holiday season SUCKS for me. It usually starts about a week before Thanksgiving and lasts until about the week after New Years.

I'm not sure when this all started. I know when my grandmother was living, it became stressful and tense for me to do Thanksgiving and Christmas. I'm don't know why though. Maybe I was picking up on someone else's tension. *shrug*

I do know it stopped being a fun time for me awhile back. I think I was pretty happy the year my youngest was born. That was back in 97. I did Thanksgiving with my family then I did Thanksgiving with my babydaddy’s family. Don’t get offended, that’s what we called each other in a mocking fashion. Neither of us cared much for that term, but we made it funny to each other.

My son’s father comes from a family that I have considered my own since about 1987, when they moved to this city and I’ve always had a close relationship with them, so holidays with them were cool. Still are.

I don’t remember a lot about that Thanksgiving, just that it was a good one and Christmas was pretty good too. My babydaddy was a Star Wars junkie, so when I bought him the complete Star Wars collection, he wanted to watch them all, from beginning to end. I slept quite well through them.

That would be the only actual holiday time we’d spend as a complete family. He died the following February.

My holidays went back to sucking. Within the next couple of seasons, my grandmother passed and they just got harder for me.

I think it was 2005 or so that I started drinking pretty heavily on the holiday eves. It didn’t make me feel any better. It did ensure I didn’t feel anything, til I was sober again.

That was the year I found out there were issues with my kidneys. I drank so much the night before, that I was hungover all Thanksgiving day.

I didn’t drink at all that Christmas, I wanted to though. I just wanted to be anywhere but where I was. I was excited to go to Richmond that year for my birthday. I’m in love with the east coast, you know…

The following year, I was determined to make things different. The sadness was too much to take another year, so I talked to my Dr about getting a prescription. I ended up on Celexa and it made me so sleepy, all the time.

I decided that if I was going to kick these holiday blues, I’d have to call on that Superwoman I hate being.

So last year, that’s what I did. I’m still not sure how though. I was dealing with all the regular blues and either was about to go through a breakup or was going through one. Who remembers?

Antywhoo I think that by typing all this out, I’ve answered some of my own questions in my mind, while boring you.

If you go through the same thing, you’re not alone. You can beat it too. Oh, that Celexa? I only used it one month, to get me through that season. Medicines these days have too many side effects, but sometimes you do need help. Don't be afraid to ask.

I started making myself get out and socialize. I travel quite a bit. I’m with someone who encourages me to talk about things and not hold them in. I’m striving for a better holiday season. I might even send out some baked goodies to those I wish were near.

We’ll see. I’ll let ya know, mkay?

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Sometimes it Seems the Distance is Too Much

More I Miss You Comments

I am in a long distance relationship.

It's nothing new to me. My last 3 have been long distance. Seems like whenever I'm single, the availability of a new relationship at home is not feasible.

LDR's aren't easy, no matter how badly you both want it to be. There are times when you think you can't deal with it anymore and you just want to quit. Then you remember the good times and you realize you aren't willing to give those up.

I'm having a not so good day today. I just saw him Halloween weekend.

It wasn't long enough.

I spent my time with other people. Don't get me wrong, I had a ball. Really enjoyed myself and got to see him a couple of times, but it wasn't the amount of time I was used to seeing him and because it was a full weekend, neither of us were very well rested.

Today that hit me hard. I woke up not wanting to really talk to anyone. See, most of my friends live in the area he lives and talking to any of them, reminds me of him. I just wasn't up for it. I turned my phone off and really haven't turned it on much since.

I needed to make a couple of phone calls, so I turned it on, called, finished and turned it off again.

I spent some alone time. Just me and my camera. I'd been wanting to go take pictures of the fall foilage and it wasn't too cold, so today was the day.

I didn't even watch football today.

I hear my Bears won. I'll brag about it tomorrow.

I found a song about LDR's. It's a pretty song and I agree with many of the lyrics, but I don't want to give up my LDR. We have our challenges, but we handle them very well. For that, I'm thankful.

In case you read this, I love you babe.

I'm out. A bubble bath is calling my name.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

A Sunny Day

It's been a crazy two weeks...

I had strep throat last week on top of what happened.

I know I still haven't really given any details and I won't. I will say that my cousin is progressing. Still keep him in his prayers as he recovers.

Thank you to those who are genuinely concerned and have been praying for him and supporting our family.

Everyone else? Kick rocks. With open toed sandals. LOL

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Don't Call Me, I'll Call You

Today's post is a rather angry one.

The past few days have been hard.

My 13 year old and I had a loooong travel day on Monday and I was starting to feel bad. I woke up Tuesday to a sore throat that I knew would turn into Strep and news that there had been an unfortunate incident, involving a close cousin.

I won't go into details because I'm still trying to put things together in my head.

Those who are closest to me know what happened.

What has irritated the hell out of me though and helped me to understand the rich and famous, when they release the statement "the family wishes to deal with things and want the public to respect their privacy" was nosey ass people.

I KNOW. Trust me, I know.

Before I even had the whole story, I had people (not just people, but people who I haven't heard from in months or years for some) calling me NOT asking if my cousin was ok, but starting off with "Is it true?". How fucking rude!

Well I refused to talk about it, mostly because it was just swirling in my head, not even making sense to me, but also because I know that if these people had the opportunity to talk to my cousin about things, he would tell them to mind their own business.

I understand that people are concerned and all, but to bombard family with calls and being nosey is NOT the biz and I'm not giving up any details, just say a prayer.

I actually stopped answering my phone and I was screening calls and got tricked when someone used another friend's phone. Not only did that person try to talk over me when I said I wasn't talking about it, but they called back twice after I hung up on them. Once from the friend's phone and again from their work phone.

C'mon Son! Respect the frickin' family. Give us space.

What you'll get out of me? He is doing as well as expected and is expected to recover. Anything else you want to know? Take your nosey ass to him when he's able.