Just my thoughts...

Just my thoughts...
The randomness that is I

Thursday, December 29, 2011


It's a question we hear a lot if we have children. It's a question a lot of people ask God.

I briefly thought of asking Him last night, but I don't know if I really want to know, it doesn't matter. It won't bring this friend back.

I went to dialysis last night as I normally do.  I'd just been chilling, listening to music instead of tv.  Of course I was listening to Urbansoulz radio.

The lights had been turned out and most of the patients were asleep.

I noticed ahead of me, that (my favorite) tech was talking to the guy who had spoken to me earlier.  He was just out of my view, but across the room from me. I paid no attention at first, then I heard her call his name several times. I never heard him answer though. She said his name repeatedly and finally yelled for the nurse on duty.

Sometimes on dialysis, a person's blood pressure gets too low and they basically pass out. I thought this was what had happened. Soon I could see what looked like chest compressions. Then I got concerned.

I prayed.

Then I saw a defib machine. I prayed some more.

I thought man, I'm gonna give him a hard time when he comes in next time, causing all this trouble.

See, this was one of the first guys I dialyzed with, ever.  Three years we'd talked football trash.

Somehow though, after the fire department came in and took over, I wasn't looking at them working on my friend, I was looking at them working on my son's father.

It was the exact scene, just 14 years later.  Soon it was the fire department and the EMT's.  Everyone was scurrying around, doing everything they could to get a response.

I went back and forth in my head, from the dialysis center, to the house.  Seeing them do everything possible to bring positive results.

Finally everything not so urgent, preparing a lifeless body to be transported to the hospital.

Soon everything quiet again.

Quiet tears being shed. Realizing just how easily that could have been me.  Thanking God it wasn't.  Still...just like last time...yearning for someone to come in and say that everything is alright.

Never seeing that person.

14 years later, reliving it again...

I'm glad I'm not the same person I was.

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Standing on my soapbox

Today I have something I need to say. I also need as many as possible to repost this somewhere that 25 and under can read it. My heart hurts for the children who have no guidance. What kind of world has this become? Word on the street is that it's the kind of world that one would allegedly stab a child, stomp a child and rob him of the contents of his pockets as he is dying.

There is extreme jealousy and somehow people feel entitled to whatever someone else has, no matter how trivial.

I posted the following a day or so ago on Facebook:

To all the 25 and under I'm connected to...Let what happened last night be your motivation to do better. These people out in the streets don't care about you, your Boo or your baby.

Let this motivate you to go to school, find a trade or something. It's not about clubbing, getting that money or having those Jordans. It's about living a life that you can enjoy, that you look forward to doing things and thanking the Lord for blessing you the way He has.

Ladies, when you have these babies young, you are still mama, not sister. Stop letting the little ones do what they want. You don't beat em, but you give them rules. Cussing babies, little boys with earrings, doing what you can so your babies can have the newest kicks and name brand clothes and you're eating noodles and hot dogs, is not cute, nor is it cool.

Stop letting them see you act a fool with your friends or your man. Stop letting them see you drunk or high. Stop letting them hear you argue with whoever.

When you had that baby, it was time to grow up. If your babydaddy doesn't want to be one, let him keep moving and raise your baby alone. You aren't the first, you won't be the last. I'm sure you know someone who you think is/was a good single mama. Talk to them, ask questions. Maybe your mama wasn't a good one. Maybe she didn't have anyone to ask. Be different.

Fellas, ************ is not your friend. I've observed that very few men have grown up in *********, stayed here and been successful. Very few.

It seems like even if they left for a semester, and saw there was more to life than **********, when they came back, they knew they wanted to strive for better.

It's true there's mayhem wherever you go. At least somewhere else, your past doesn't dictate your future. Elsewhere you can create a new you. No one knows you used to be a basketball star or constantly skipping school.

Something has to change.

Let it be you. You can do better.

Now you can enter Anytown USA and the message Will still apply.

The next message is a repost of a friend of mine who used to be in the streets:

Wow, to watch my kids open their gifts and to see them smile made my feel thankful, I wouldnt trade it for the world, and to give up that life of hustling that almost jepordised these moments was selfish and foolish, I thank God who rescued me and showed me what family truly is, if he can give his only son I can at least be there for my family, the duffle bags of bread and all the work in the world can not compare to my family, All praise to God...because I still live the same lifestyle but I work legally to get it ! Thanks for the second and third chance to get it right !

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Procrastinating and other stuff

That's what mode I'm in right now...

Our office is moving in exactly one week and my motivation has come to a standstill.

It's really pitiful, because I don't even have that much left to pack. I just hate packing.

I have been shredding/recycling old files and it has gotten me into a tossing mode which is great for home. I have papers and papers at home that I can't just throw away because they have addresses on them. I feel I must shred them.

I wish I could just rent one of those trucks that shred on the spot. Man, one of those and a small dumpster for a week? *thinking ahead to spring*

Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could do that with life? Toss the issues and situations we don't want, in the dumpster? Oh, we kind of can to an extent, can't we? There really is no point in carrying around stressful situations you can't do anything about...give it to God and let Him KEEP it!

I'm still learning.

Anyway, I'm fighting sleep and thought I'd come by and shoot the breeze a bit.

Oh and the catheter finally comes out tomorrow morning!

Love, Peace and Urbansoul!

Monday, December 5, 2011

19 Shopping Days until Christmas

If you like to buy unique items, check out the Urban Soulz Shoppe on Cafepress

Still need a 2012 wall calendar? We've got those too!

Click here to go directly to the calendar

When you finish shopping, come check us out at www.urbansoulz.com

Thursday, December 1, 2011

World AIDS Day 2011

Know your status.

If you have the opportunity, read the stories of two AIDS activists living with AIDS.

Educated, attractive, assertive and ambitious are just a few of the words used to describe Rae Lewis-Thornton. In 1986, during a routine blood drive visit at a Washington D.C. Red Cross, Rae received news of another word that would soon be used to describe her health and future. At the tender age of 23, Rae Lewis-Thornton was diagnosed HIV Positive.

I vividly remember when I first learned of Rae. She was on the cover of Essence magazine. I never forgot her name and I never forgot her story.

She and others like her have played a HUGE part of how I accepted and share my journey with kidney disease.

Rae's got a blog Rae Lewis-Thornton
you can follow her on Twitter @raelt and she's got a Facebook page.

The next young lady I remember at the age of six, being in the HIV/AIDS awareness video that Magic Johnson did back in the 80's, A Conversation with Magic Johnson” on Nickelodeon.

Hydeia was born with HIV, so she hasn't known any other life.

The world has seen her grow from a gifted little girl to a 26 year old woman with a passion and mission to make sure each and everyone of us is aware of our HIV status as well as the status of our sexual partners.

Hydeia has a site Hydeia Broadbent
she's also on Twitter @HydeiaBroadbent and Facebook.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

It's Me Again


I'm recovering pretty well from that last surgery. I had a small setback and ended up in the ER Monday, but I'm ok now. You know how people get fat ankles and feet? That's common amongst kidney patients (though that hasn't happened to me for almost 3 years) and somehow, during dialysis, they take the extra fluid out of your body. Extra fluid in your body for too long, can be fatal, especially if it pools around your heart or lungs.

Well, I usually gain about 3 kg of fluid between treatments. That sounds like a lot, but it really isn't. There are people who come in with 9-11 kg of fluid each treatment. Well every once in awhile, they take too much off and that's what happened Monday. Basically I was severely dehydrated.

When you're severely dehydrated you get dizzy, your blood pressure drops, you get disoriented. You're basically in a fog. Well, that was me. It was by the grace of God that I felt none of that on the drive in.

I'm pretty sure I scared the crap outta my boss when I called him and said I needed to go to the ER.

Well, I'll say this...after they saw my BP was 78/52, I got a room in back immediately! A bit of saline through the IV and 3 hours later I was heading home. Been taking it slow since.

I figure if you're stopping by here, you're probably either taking a break from cooking, about to start cooking or ain't thinking about cooking, LOL. I'm sitting here plotting what to make.

We always eat at my mother's house, but I always fix a smaller dinner for home, for the rest of the week. I enjoy cooking, but I don't always have the energy. For some reason I perk up between Thanksgiving and Christmas and even do some baking.

I know a lot of people had Ma Dear, Granny or Grandma to learn from in the kitchen, but not me...nor did I stand side by side with my mom, learning recipes. So I'm basically learning on my own and leaning on recipes I've found on the internet.

My absolute, positively favorite recipe site is Divas Can Cook. Monique has recipes and videos to go along with most recipes and the food is GOOD!!!

Don't go in thinking it's that new fangled fat free, low cal stuff either. I think if you don't eat soul food like that regularly, there's not a thing wrong with splurging on the holidays! (says the fat chick, LOL)

Monique's recipes are pretty easy to follow, so if you're kitchen challenged, this could do wonders! Her website, which started as a blog, again is Divas Can Cook.

Well, I'm out of here! Enjoy your holiday and fellowship with friends and family.

Oh and if you're an Urbansoulz Radio fan, I don't think there will be live shows this week, but there will be podcasts available on Spreaker at http://www.spreaker.com/page#!/show/urban_soulz_radio

Friday, November 18, 2011

Tipping back in...

Well, so much for blogging every day in October...

I did so well in the beginning. I've been off work this week. I had yet another surgery last Friday. This time I had a graft put in my arm.

As if I'm not scarred up enough already. *shrug* Gotta do what I gotta do though.

I'd been feeling better and better as the week progressed although I've been sleeping later and later in the mornings. I think I got out of bed at 1 something yesterday, but 11 today.

I've already taken a nap though. I've been reeeeal tired today. My arm that the graft is in got really tired and achy and I've had cramps all day.

I didn't think they took too much fluid off me last night, but maybe they did.

I don't think I've ever described how it feels the day after too much fluid has come off.

The last 12 hours have been like this...lay down, get comfy all in the covers and a cramp starts pulling in my thigh. I straighten it out and the cramp moves down to my calf. I get up and the cramp moves down to my foot. I get in a hot shower to relax my muscles.

Finally comfortable, fall asleep. Wake up with a muscle in my side pulling. Twist around to stretch it out, get a "charlie horse" in my stomach (It's been a joy to get those since I had my lap band surgery).

Bottom line, I've not really had any rest...Literally every part of my body has cramped at some point.

I'm looking at my pinky finger pulling to the left right now.

Ever had a "charlie horse" in the jaw? If you can imagine how it pulls your calf/thigh area, except just under your jawbone.

Gotta admit, it definitely stays interesting...

Ok, so if you aren't doing anything tonight, check out the Urbansoulz House Party, tonight from 9-11 pm eastern. If you want to chat, the chatroom is at www.urbansoulzradio.webs.com if you just want to listen, hit our page on Spreaker http://www.spreaker.com/page#!/show/urban_soulz_radio

If you aren't busy tomorrow night, check out an Urbansoulz Exclusive.

Call in with your questions for Maysa.

When you finish, come join us at www.urbansoulz.com!

Monday, October 31, 2011

Urbansoulz Inspirations: Inspirational and Uplifting

Maybe I shouldn't, but I have an issue with how some people assume that because I no longer go to a traditional church, that I can't possibly be getting my spiritual food.

I happen to be in front of my computer every Sunday from 5:30-7:30 (central) for Urbansoulz Inspirations. It's a radio show that's hosted by The Messenger aka DJ Tan. Now he's not an ordained minister, but God gives word to many, not just to "professionals".

My mother is a minister and I recognize when someone is anointed and this man most definitely is. How do I know it's God? Every single week, within 2 days, I get the same message (sometimes word for word) that he gave, from a totally unrelated source. That, I learned a long time ago, is how you can tell when a word is of God.

Isaiah 55:11-New International Version (NIV)

11 so is my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.

That is the scripture that says so. Again, if a message is truly from God, you'll hear something later to verify it.

Urbansoulz Inspirations is a weekly show that can be found at www.urbansoulzradio.webs.com or http://www.spreaker.com/page#!/show/urban_soulz_radio

The lesson this week was on pride-it's not all about you!

Some of the scriptures highlighted:

Proverbs 22:4-New International Version (NIV)
4 Humility is the fear of the LORD; its wages are riches and honor and life.

Proverbs 8:13-New International Version (NIV)
13 To fear the LORD is to hate evil; I hate pride and arrogance, evil behavior and perverse speech.

1 Peter 5:5-New International Version (NIV)
5 In the same way, you who are younger, submit yourselves to your elders. All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because,
“God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble.”[a]

Footnotes:1 Peter 5:5 Prov. 3:34

Mark 10:45-New International Version (NIV)
45 For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.”

We listen to music with a message and we even have a chatroom open during this time. Come join us! Again, it's www.urbansoulzradio.webs.com

Wednesday, October 26, 2011


Words can hurt or heal. What did yours do today?

After all that was swirling in my head the other day, this hit me like a ton of bricks today.

It all began with someone saying I was smart.

I mean I know I'm smart, I just forget it sometimes...

Let me explain. All my life, I've been an average student, an above average speller, and a horrible math student, but overall, I felt like I wasn't anything special either way and fit in with most people.

Then there was this person...

I don't know if he seems like such a monster to me because I allowed him to change me or if he really was one.

Anyway, up until this person came along, I had my "duh" moments, but for the most part, I kept it moving.

What this person would do though is just attack me verbally out of nowhere. At first I got mad and we would go at it. Then I discovered that if I just didn't say anything, it wouldn't last long. With that though, what he was saying was sinking in instead of bouncing off me and to this day, I slip into periods of feeling as I did when he said them.

He would call me dumb, stupid, idiot...anything to insinuate that I wasn't as smart as he was. The one who couldn't even pass his GED test...

Those words hurt me. It made me feel just like the picture above. Even though I knew they weren't true, after awhile instances would happen and I'd feel exactly that way.

When I started dialysis, (treatment involves removing my blood from my body and putting it back in and it really jumbles your hormones) it started affecting my memory and my comprehension and there are times that I get confused and all I can hear in my head was how stupid I am.

It's amazing to me that with all the praise that a person gets throughout their lives, that it's the negative stuff that seemingly never goes away.

The person that called me smart, probably can't imagine how good that made me feel this morning. They said it at just the right time.

Thank you.

With all that said, think about the way you talk to people. Especially children. Words stay with you for a very long time, if not forever.

Whoever ever said words didn't hurt, was damn lie. Break one of my bones instead. At least over time that will heal...

Monday, October 24, 2011

So, So Random!

Wooo weee! I have a lot of thoughts swirling in my head, but I don't think can put them down right now...

Maybe I'll just speak the subject "out loud" and talk about them later, when my mind is settled...yeah..











Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Sea Of Consciousness: New Beginnings

Sea Of Consciousness: New Beginnings: You bring about new beginnings by leaving behind the things that compromise your wholeness. We unburden ourselves by examining our emotio...

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

The Grudge

“Resentment or grudges do no harm to the person against whom you hold these feelings but every day and every night of your life, they are eating at you”

Norman Vincent Peale

*steps on soapbox and taps mic* Testing, testing, 1-2

This sista right here? I could hold a grudge! You did me wrong once and that was it. I held it against you forever!

Except for family and someone I was close to…I don’t know why, but I’d give them chance after chance after chance and they’d walk all over me each time.

I guess I wanted to hope that they could change…

And I’m the more forgiving sister…

I won’t put my sister out there like that, but what I will say is that if you mess up with her, you’d most likely better forget it.

I’m still really growing in this area, but the fact that I can say I’m growing, means that I WANT to improve.

Jesus just had to be…well, Jesus, in order to be able to forgive the way He did. People did a LOT worse to Him than what they’ve done to me.

We’re supposed to strive daily to be like Him, so I had to let go of the grudges.

Before I was able to get to this point where I am now) though, I had to work on my anger. It seemed like the more I tried to work on grudges, the more vengeful I got. This is what happens when you try to do it on your own, without praying.

I have been angered to the point that I’ve done some things I KNOW I’m going to have to answer to at the pearly gates and I probably could have been arrested a time or two!

I am proud to say that though I’m a work in progress, I mean, I refuse to be misused, but I handle it MUCH better.

(Did I tell ya’ll my sister used to call me Evilene?)


What I have come to realize is that when someone misuses you…when someone intentionally does things to you, makes comments about you, the problem isn’t really about you and it isn’t for you to handle.

Give it to God. Pray for that person because the problem is within them and may be fueled by jealousy or may just be fueled by an uncontrollable need to pick at someone to feel better about themselves and pray to be able to forgive them because holding a grudge doesn’t bother them one bit, it bothers YOU.

You just can’t give someone that much power.

Friday, October 14, 2011

100 Words: Love

Love is a noun.

Love is a verb.

Love can enrich your life and love can kill you.

Love is often misunderstood, but when it’s done right?

Many are on a never ending search for love. Some never really find it. They don’t really know what love is…not really.

Love isn’t always easy and it means that sometimes there will be sacrifice.

I always thought I was an expert on love. Knew what it was all about, was going to find it and keep it.

I have failed miserably.

Eh, maybe one day love will show up.

I’m still waiting.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Short and Sweet

I've noticed for the past few days, that Eva Marcille, one of our Urbansoulz Family members has been tweeting about her team for the 2011 AIDS Walk Los Angeles.

If you would like information on how to donate toward Eva's team or would like more information on the AIDS Walk, please hit the link.

2011 AIDS Walk Los Angeles

Thank you for supporting AIDS Walk Los Angeles benefiting APLA. Your contribution is greatly appreciated.

Remember every little bit helps!

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Today's Post

I decided that today's post would be a private one, to my best friend.

I think he's such an awesome person and I love him very much.

There were some things I needed to say to him and the fact that I felt convicted to tell him in my dream, signaled to me that it was time.

Well six written pages later, I have to get the nerve to type it and press send.

I know I will because now that I've posted this, he's not hardly going to let it slide...

Thursday, October 6, 2011

What is a Listening Party?

A Listening Party is when Da Marshall spotlights one artist or group (sometimes two artists) for his Thursday radio show at 8pm EST.

Last week was Teena Marie and Rick James. Tonight it's Biggie and Tupac.

There are several shows on his site during the week.

Tomorrow night, you can hear DJ Tan aka The Messenger at the Urbansoulz Friday Night House Party from 9-11 pm EST. He plays a variety of music, new and old school!

Saturday you can hear DJ's DiamondzzBling or Baby Bling from 8-9pm EST, if we're blessed, we get to hear them both. You'll hear a great mix of music guaranteed to keep you dancing in front of the monitor!

Sunday it's The Messenger with Urbansoulz Inspirations. The Messenger always brings a word from God and the spirit is amongst us as he plays inspirational music from 6:30-8:30 EST.

Wednesday brings The Hump Day Happy Hour Sexy Chillout with DJ Jazzirella at 8pm EST. DJ Jazzirella somehow finds THE sexiest, most chill versions of your favorite songs.

During each show, the chat room is on FIYAH!! You never know how many will be there! It's always respectful and it's always fun!

There are impromptu shows as well as Morning Meditations with The Messenger from time to time. You can relive each show at www.urbansoulzradio.webs.com

Like Urbansoulz on Facebook

Join the Urbansoulz website

What is a Listening Party?

A Listening Party is when Da Marshall spotlights one artist or group (sometimes two artists) for his Thursday radio show at 8pm EST.

There are several shows on his site during the week.

Friday nights, you can hear DJ Tan aka The Messenger at the Urbansoulz Friday Night House Party from 9-11 pm EST. He plays a variety of music, new and old school!

Saturday you can hear DJ's DiamondzzBling or Baby Bling at The DiamondzzBling & Baby Bling Show from 8-9pm EST, if we're blessed, we get to hear them both. You'll hear a great mix of music guaranteed to keep you dancing in front of the monitor!

Sunday it's The Messenger with Urbansoulz Inspirations. The Messenger always brings a word from God and the spirit is amongst us as he plays inspirational music from 6:30-8:30 EST.

Monday it's Neo Soulz Cafe smooth grooves of Neo Soul with DJ Izabella from 8-9 EST. Tune in to wind down from your hectic Monday.

Wednesday brings The Hump Day Happy Hour Sexy Chillout with DJ Jazzirella at 8pm EST. DJ Jazzirella somehow finds THE sexiest, most chill versions of your favorite songs.

During each show, the chat room is on FIYAH!! You never know how many will be there! It's always respectful and it's always fun!

There are impromptu shows as well as Morning Meditations with The Messenger from time to time as well as jazz podcasts with Northern Lights. You can relive each show at www.urbansoulzradio.webs.com

Like Urbansoulz on Facebook

Join the Urbansoulz website

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

My Heart Is Very Heavy

It's never easy to see when a life is lost. It's especially hard for me if they're under 30.

This morning, my friend told me that she lost her 19 year old daughter over the weekend and it just knocked the wind out of me.

First of all, I have a 19 year old son and just can't imagine...Secondly, though I'd never met her daughter, she proudly talked about her all the time, so I feel like she was at least an acquaintance.

I don't know what to do that I could ease the pain I know my friend is in right now. Probably nothing except pray, which I have been doing.

I met Sherry Bryson back on 360 and we came together again here on Urbansoulz. We usually called in right after the other when the shows were still on Blogtalk radio. When everyone moved to FB, when I stopped playing Mafia Wars, I lost constant contact with Sherry.

Sherry you are in my prayers.

May Shanice rest in eternal peace.

Sherry said I could share a few pictures of her beautiful child.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Katrina: A Re-post

I found a bunch of blogs I'd saved from 360, on my work computer and it's been interesting re-reading them to see where I was back then.

Funny that I had this message back on 360, without even knowing anyone who was affected. Now I've got a whole lot of NOLA family. Didn't know what was really going on there, just what the news wanted us to know. I don't even think we knew the truth about the levees at that time. I'm thinking that I didn't use the name Katrina because at that time, we didn't realize the full horrific outcome of the storm. I don't even remember who the prayer was for at the end. I hope it helped.

I can remember watching CNN and not being able to stop crying and going between empathy and anger at the newspeople's choice of words...the refugees...how the hell are American citizens refugees? I finally had to force myself to stop watching, same as I had to do with everything surrounding 9/11. It was making my heart too heavy.

I sent up so many prayers...I still do.

Entry for September 05, 2005

I can't really explain the mood I've been in lately, except there aren't many people I've felt like being bothered with, hence the reason the no-shows who invited me to join their friend list have been removed. A friend isn't someone you meet one day, then never talk to again. Therefore, the people I have on my list are all personally known to me and each have a place in my heart, with the exception of Unique, I just dig his work....

I think my mood has a lot to do with the hurricane that hit Alabama, Louisiana and Mississippi. I have had all types of emotions running through me. It was a terrible event that I wouldn't wish on anyone and I wonder why people didn't leave when they were warned. I pray for Ray Nagin, mayor of New Orleans because there must be tremendous pressure on him right now.

I was absolutely furious to hear that the humane society was able to move hundreds of animals to safety before anyone moved people from the two major points of safety that everyone was being moved to. I was furious that people in 2005, were forced to live in such squalid conditions, without food or water for DAYS... I was upset that in the beginning only 500 officers were sent to help from the federal government. I'm extremely upset that at this time of absolute disaster, there were those who took advantage of the lack of authority and bound together as gangs to rape and steal from other survivors.

Only people with mental or deep spiritual problems could see this as an advantage to prey on others.

I can't help but think that yes, God allowed this to happen, but maybe it wasn't to hurt those who were injured or killed, the bible says that Satan is the one who comes to steal, kill and destroy whether it's physically or spiritually. Maybe some of these people were bound by a life of poverty (that's what I keep hearing), maybe God has something better for them. Maybe taking all they have is the only way that God can move them toward the type of life He wants for them, the type of life they really deserve.

The only one who really knows is Him.

**One foot off my soapbox**

I hope that you have prayed about what God would like for you to do to help those who have been displaced. If giving money is what your choice is, I urge you to find a company that offers to match all donations, that way you're actually sending double the support you are able to give.

*stepping all the way down now*

Thank you for stopping by....

To my heart, you know who you are...The devil has got you down, really down, for what reason I don't know, but know that when he's on you that tough, God's got a true blessing in store for you. I hurt for you because I know how you feel. I know I'm probably the last person to give you advice especially since I'm always asking you for some, but even if you just say the name Jesus every day, He can bring you out of anything. I know you're tired, but just hold on...mmmuahhhhh!

Monday, October 3, 2011

It began like any other morning...

Hitting the snooze button a couple of times before dragging myself out of bed.

I sat on the side of the bed for another few minutes, trying to shake sleep.

I finally get up and head for the bathroom. I always turn on the water while I “use it”, so it’ll be just right when I step in.

I step in and enjoy the warm water hitting my sore back (my mattress sucks) as I begin to awaken.

I look at the shower head as I turn the water up just a couple of notches (sometimes I get it so hot that my skin is fire red when I get out) and as the hot water hits my breasts, they start to tingle.

Not an arousing tingle.

The kind of tingle I felt when it was time to nurse my baby. *side note* When you nurse your baby, sometimes it’s your breasts, not your baby that tells you it’s time to feed. You get this heavy feeling and your nipples tingle. The only problem with that indicator is that at that time my son was oh, 7 years old.

When you feel that kind of pressure, the relief comes by squeezing a little milk out so you’re not so full. Sometimes while nursing, just the hot water itself will send milk shooting every which way. I used to have milk fights with my babydaddy

Anyway, by instinct I squeeze my breast and lo and behold MILK CAME OUT!!!! It wasn’t a whole lot, like when I was nursing, but the fact remained that they hadn’t served as dinner for some 6 years and a few months.

I did my routine breast exam and found nothing out of the ordinary, You might want to check with your doctor or a clinic, they may have a model you can have/use to see what feels normal or not because we do have a natural lumpiness at times – nevertheless, I made an appointment that morning.

I was on pins and needles until the day I went about a week later. I had my first mammogram at 35. I was scared at what they might find and I was amazed at how flat...never mind, lol. It was virtually painless. Uncomfortable, no doubt, but really painless. I got a bad case of the giggles too because they put a little metal bb on my nipple as an indicator of something for the xray, I never actually got the gist of it because I was too busy feeling Madonna-ish.

I wasn’t sure what to feel while I waited for the results. At the front of my mind though was the fact that my son had already lost a parent and the reality of “tomorrow isn’t promised” was in my face yet again.

Three days later, I was back in the doctor’s office because they needed to get a second set of xrays. The next afternoon, I got a call from the doctor’s office telling me I needed to come in.

I really wish they’d just tell you what the deal is over the phone because you could really kill someone on the drive there with all the thoughts and concerns going through your head.

Anyway, I get there and fret the whole time I’m in the waiting room until FINALLY they call me in.

The doctor sits me down and explains that they’ve found a lump in my lymph node and somehow the pressure from that was pressing in my milk duct and therefore causing it to produce a small amount of milk.

She needed to find out if the lump is cancerous, so she schedules a biopsy for me right then. My body gets real cold, like the blood drained out of it. I get chills and begin sweating all at once. Somehow I get up from the chair, walk out of the office and drive home there was no way I was going back to work after that.

Fast forward a couple of weeks. I asked my boyfriend’s mom at the time, if she would go with me because I really didn’t want to say anything to my family unless I knew something for sure. She reluctantly agreed and then backed out two days before, telling me that my mother really ought to be the one to go with me.

I was not that close to my mother at all. We’ve got a better relationship now and it’s still not all that, but I really felt uncomfortable asking her. I got up the nerve to ask and she said she’d come.

Fast forward 2 days. I’m in the parking lot waiting for her to show up. It’s almost 20 minutes until I need to check in and I don’t see her.

Then 10, then 5...no mom.

I drag myself out of the car and into the hospital. I check in and they wheel me back to the room where it’s all going to happen.

Big, bad me...Super Woman, is scared as hell.

The nurse explains the procedure and I look at a tray with several pristine metal tools and the needle from hell. She explains that they will give me a shot to numb the area a shot in my fuckin armpit? Are you serious? You’re not going to put me to sleep?!?!?! Then the large needle will only go in so far, but that needle opens up and a small tool comes out and it will clip tissue samples from the lump.

Tears slide down my face because the last place I want to be is on this table, in this room, letting these people remove parts of my body, no matter how small.

I’m not sure how long the procedure is because I silently cry the whole time as the nurse holds my hand and tries to comfort me while they do everything.

They’re going to find cancer and I’ll have to have my breast removed and I don’t know how I can deal with that. God, help me deal with this. PLEASE! Don’t let them find anything. I pro..Please! I almost make the mistake of trying to bargain with God. I finally just say Your will be done.

They send me home with a nice strong prescription and a ice pack.

I call my mother to find out what happened and she says she thought it was tomorrow.


Two weeks later, I get a call from the surgeon’s office saying the lump is benign.

My story had a happy ending. Take steps to be sure that yours does too.

Be aware.

Originally posted in 2004

Sunday, October 2, 2011

100 Words: Wall

When my thoughts are scattered or I don’t know what I want to write about, I do 100 word posts. I picked this up from someone I’m following on blogger, who calls herself Bag Lady.

By nature, I’m a strong person. I’ve never been coddled. I’ve always been made to feel that I really can’t depend on anyone but myself. Now that I have others I can depend on, it isn’t always easy to open myself up to them.

I’ve got a wall built up and it protects me.

Problem with always being strong is that when something gets to you, everything that happens immediately after gets to you, no matter how stupid or petty it is.

If I were the person I used to be, there would be problems.

Thank God I’m not.


Saturday, October 1, 2011

When Something Isn't Right....

Now that I'm back in writing mode, you're liable to get 2-3 posts a day, so I apologize in advance...

Last night my Multiply password miraculously popped into my head and I spent a few hours reading posts from Creole Masala and Renee "Nae" Williams, two dear friends of mine who have gone on to glory...I cried, I laughed and I looked up some of you that I didn't know back then.

It's crazy that we still had a mutual friend, but it just wasn't our time to connect. You're about to meet the me that Dante first connected with. I pride myself in being the same basic person, just having grown in some areas.

I read through a lot of my blog posts and am SO thankful that I'm not that person anymore, but there were posts that showed me how strong I am too. It doesn't seem like it to me because I don't dwell on it, but I've been through A LOT. I will be re-posting some of those in the next days in hopes that they help others to understand that they are not alone in some experiences.

I warn you that I am raw and you may not agree with some things, but hey, it's my blog...

The following is a re-post from December 2007. As far as I've come, I still feel this way. God hasn't pressed me to change, so it isn't my time.

I may be wrong as two left feet for this, but I've been avoiding an old friend of mine like the plague.

It's been almost a year now. I really feel bad about it, but I don't know what to do. I don't know if I can handle it or if I even want to.

Let me start from the beginning...This girl and I became friends in 7th-8th grade. We only hung out at school and talked on the phone because her dad (who was a drug dealer at the time) was never home and my momma didn't play that.

We kinda hung out at school through freshman year, when she got pregnant. We were still friends, but she was all wrapped up in this guy and he and I had a serious hate/hate relationship from childhood.

She had her baby and even called me from the delivery room to tell me so (that was before it was "cute" to have a baby. You still lost friends back then).

After she had the baby, she transferred schools and eventually moved.

Almost 20 years passed before I'd see her again. When I do, she's had 5 more children, by I'm not sure how many fathers and is living in New York. She comes by and basically brags about her family her wonderful husband and in mid-visit flips the switch and talks about the marital problems she's having.

I do a mental double-take and don't say anything, but now I'm looking at her crazy because she's gone flipmode in a matter of minutes. After a few hours of this, she leaves. I don't hear from her again for almost 2 years.

This year an unfamiliar number keeps showing up on my caller ID and no message is left. I don't return these kinds of calls because if it's not important enough to leave a message, well, for all I know, it could be a wrong number.

One day my then 10 year old comes home with a little piece of paper with a phone number on it. The number on my caller ID. A little girl in his class said her aunt wants me to call her. I put two and two together and figure out it's her.

At this time, I'm feeling pretty bad physically and when I'm like that, I just want to be alone to deal with it by myself, so I don't call.

A few weeks later, I run into the girl's grandmother who tells me that my friend has been diagnosed as being severely Bipolar. She's been in a mental hospital for months and refuses to take her medication. She calls folks and tries to get them to help her get out and ends up cursing them out when they don't do what she wants them to do.

I ran into a mutual friend who had talked to her several times. She said that it upsets her so much each time they talk because she's just not her old self.

Now I have no problems with physical disabilities. I don't do well with mental disorders, so I've avoided her at all costs.

Well, I ran into her dad over the weekend and he tells me that she's been released from the hospital and is getting her own place.

Am I wrong for still not wanting to deal with her?

Later, after discussing her condition with mutual friends, I decided that I'd made the right move in not dealing with her.

In 2011, she's gotten so bad that her kids and family don't really deal with her, but she's wise enough to put on an act that things are "normal" for now.

Unfortunately there WILL come a time that she will no longer be able to fake it and because she refuses to take her meds regularly, it won't be pretty. I just continue to pray for her...

Monday, September 26, 2011

Only 5 Days Left!!!

First of all, October is National Blog Month and I will start blogging regularly again. There are a few posts from the past that I want to post again too, so stay tuned!

Now about that title...We have until the 30th of September to help Urban Soulz Radio earn free air time on Spreaker!

You don't have to give money or fill out a survey, all you have to do is pass on the link to join Spreaker to your friends.

"Sharing Spreaker with your Friends is the fastest way to grow your audience. Until the end of September, every 5 friends who join you get one month free. http://www.spreaker.com/?ref=U3775147"

I'm working on my friends. I've got 3 signed up so far. So I'm asking you to do this for the UrbanSoulz Family. Email it, Tweet it, FB it! All you have to do is ask!

And don't forget to invite them to listen to Urban Soulz Radio. The schedule is posted at www.urbansoulzradio.webs.com and you can access episodes on the "Episodes" tab in the lower right hand corner.

Urban Soulz Radio on Spreaker

Friday, September 23, 2011

The Hardest Parts of Being a Kidney Patient

From the outside looking in, it might appear that dialysis would be one of the hardest parts of being a kidney patient.

To me, that's one of the easiest. Even the complications that come up are not that hard for me to deal with.

For me, the hardest part of being a patient is seeing the hardship my health is causing to those who love me. I see it in my kids’ eyes, though they never say a word.

I see it in my nephew’s face each time I answer a question he has for me.
I felt it in the silence between my best friend and I when I e-mailed him contact numbers for my family “just in case”.

The next hardest thing is making friends during those 4 hour shifts and then losing them.

There are some who come for treatment angry at the world. Some just don’t say anything at all. Ever.

Others of us do what we have to do and make the best of it.

Some of us develop decent friendships during treatment. Then someone changes shifts or changes days and then you lose touch.

It hurts when you haven’t seen someone in awhile or heard how they are doing and you happen to glance at a picture in the obituaries and realize it was someone you used to dialyze with.

That’s what happened to me this morning.

I was skimming the paper and saw that a friend that had moved to California passed away last week.

The last I heard, she was doing really well. Her health was improving and she was very happy with the move.

Not sure what happened, not sure I’ll ever know. She has been missed…

R.I.P. Sharon Garrison
5/25/44 to 9/17/11

Monday, September 12, 2011


I know some of you who are connected to me on FB and Twitter have noticed that I've been promoting Urbansoulz.com and Urbansoulzradio.webs.com.

These are two places that I spent a lot of time at.

Yes, Urbansoulz is a social site, but it's not like any I've been on before. There are different groups that people participate in, but there are challenges weekly and people REALLY socialize there and it's truly more like family than a bunch of friends.

There's not a lot of spam or viruses floating around.

I admit that when I first got there, I didn't care for the site, but I found that changing the browser from Internet Explorer to Google Chrome or Mozilla Firefox made all the difference in the world! Explorer just doesn't allow you the full Urbansoulz experience.

Did I tell you that there are members from all over the world on Urbansoulz? UK, Brazil, Philippines


I challenge you to find a better, interactive radio show on the net!

There are radio shows on Sunday (I don't mean a lil church music and some clapping, I mean we have CHURCH!!!), Wednesday (Grown and sexy music that chills and heats up at the same time), Thursday (the focus is usually one artist and we have the chance to appreciate some of the music they've done), Friday (It's just an all out house party ya'll!) and Saturday (The DJ calls the show Gumbo, you never know what she's going to play, but it's always HOT!)

Each radio show is accompanied by a chat room. When I tell you we clown in that joker...it's not a place to come and hook up, it's a respectable place to have fun and let ya hair down!

Come by both sites. Membership is free!

Tell em Deedles sent you!

Urbansoulz Speaks: urbansoulz radio

Urbansoulz Speaks: urbansoulz radio: All I have to say is www.urbansoulzradio.webs.com If you love oldies funk blues jazz rap Then you are missing the best show in town!!!!

Sunday, September 11, 2011

9/11: What Do YOU Remember?

I'd like to hear from my readers on this one. Especially people who were overseas. What were you doing on that day?

When I heard about the first plane, I was at work. Me and a few co-workers were in my boss's office and I was waiting to put my son on the bus, for school.

I'd just come back from putting him on the bus, when we saw the 2nd plane hit the towers.

First feelings were those of confusion. How could this have happened twice? In the same place? What is going on?

As the morning unfolded, I became sick to my stomach.

A non-smoker, I borrowed a cigarette from a co-worker and dug through my desk for a mini-bottle of Cask and Cream that my former boss had given me previously. I went outside and sat on the steps of our building and smoked the cigarette, sipped my spiked Pepsi and fought the urge to go get my kids.

As the day progressed, being the state capital, there were rumors of plans to attack the capitol building and the federal building, both of which are walking distance from my office. They sent those workers home early, but we didn't have permission to leave, so the remainder of the day was awful, not knowing what would happen next and watching everything over and over on television and not knowing whether the friends I had who worked at the Pentagon were dead or alive.

After 3 days of continuous coverage, I finally, for my own sanity and to protect my kids, Nickelodeon and Cartoon Network were the only channels I allowed on in my home.

I was blessed to not lose any friends that day...

What is your story?

Friday, September 2, 2011

Blue Eyed Soul

What is Blue Eyed Soul? Traditionally, white artists sing pop, rock, top 40, but periodically you'll run into some who have such a soulful sound that you expect them to be black.

Take a listen to last night's show or check out past episodes on the Episodes link on the bottom right. You may be surprised at some of the songs on the broadcast...or maybe not.

Come visit us at www.urbansoulz.com and www.urbansoulzradio.webs.com

Urban Soulz Radio on Spreaker

Just press the arrow in the top right corner...

Friday, August 26, 2011

Urban Soulz Is Doing Things!!!!

I'm SO proud to announce

Urban Soulz Grand Opening - Urban Soulz Radio
Today from 9:00 pm to 11:00 pm EST

At your computer!

It's our grand Opening!! Come check out our newest addition to the family, Urban Soulz Radio!

To kick the festivities off we are having a Urban Soulz grand opening party on the site along with spreaker radio. Listen to the hottest DJ's on the net and meet and greet with friends and family all in the same place.

We will see you all tonight at 9pm EST at the Urban Soulz Grand Opening Party!


Congratulations Urban Soulz Radio!!

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

On Hiatus

I apologize, I'm going to have to take a break. I just have too much going on. Please subscribe to my blog, so you know when I begin to post again. Thank you.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Happy Birthday To My Great-Grandma!!!

Excuse the Challenge that I seem to be jacking up anyway. I want to share my joy in celebrating my Great Grandmother's 100th Birthday.

She was able to walk into the dinner with minimal help. She has thin hair, but it's all the way down her back.

She can call nearly all the children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren and great-grandchildren by name, but she's a lil shaky on the great-great-grands (but so are we, they're still new).

Grandma's hands are not bent up and swollen from arthritis.

She doesn't run back and forth to the doctor several times a month and she only stopped living on her own and WORKING a part time job in the last 6 or 7 years.

Her legacy has produced 3 sets of twins.

Her hearing is still intact as well as her vision.

She has been blessed on this earth many years and we are blessed to still have her.

Until the dinner last night, the highlight of her birthday was receiving a congratulatory letter from Michelle Obama.

Happy Birthday Grandma Nell!

30 Day Photo Challenge Day 9-Low Angle

Remember when I got out of order? Well, this was supposed to be Day 4!

This low angle is of the corn plant in my office. When I inherited it about 6 years ago, it was only 2 feet tall. Now it's about 9 feet tall. Not too far from my ceiling. Not sure what I'm going to do with it when it gets that tall.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

30 Day Photo Challenge Day 8-High Angle

This high angle photo is from the landing between the 2nd and 3rd floors of my apartment building.

Not much more I can say to that...

30 Day Photo Challenge Day 7- Morning

I realized that I missed Day 6, so I will make that up at a different time....

Morning, is not necessarily my favorite time of day, but beautiful is beautiful. I'm truly not a morning person, but I do look forward to a couple of special hellos that make it not so bad...

Monday, August 8, 2011

30 Day Photo Challenge Day 6-Feet


I do not have pretty feet. This I know. The podiatrist said that I had ill fitting shoes when I was younger. That's why I was a fanatic about getting my kids at least measured every six months and I didn't buy them any cheap shoes. It really makes a difference.

I will wear open toed shoes, but I choose very carefully. I ain't trying to end up on the web for my toes.

This is as good as it gets for this post. What? Nobody's perfect! LOL.

30 Day Photo Challenge Day 5-Red

Red is part of my "gear" I take with me to dialysis. Red goes over the top of my chair and down to the small of my back. There are 3 shifts that dialyze during the day and I just like to have my own cover. I also have an electric blanket that I lost the chord to long ago. I fold that in half and toss it over my thighs and shins, but not my feet. If too much fluid comes off my body, my feet will be the first to cramp and that heavy cover is just enough weight to get it started.

My son gave me one of his blankets to take with me and it's become my favorite. It has 4 wrestlers on it, including John Cena and MVP. That goes over me from shoulders to feet.

Then I have a memory pillow that I sit on. This year I developed sciatica, I guess from sitting so much and that helps.

I WILL be comfortable by any means necessary! LOLOLOL!

30 Day Photo Challenge Day 4-Guilty Pleasure

First of all, I apologize, I am REALLY off track with my days and I have a ton of blog reading to catch up on, but I promised myself and a few other people that I would take it easy when I got out of the hospital and I try to always keep my promises...

Today's photo is one of my Guilty Pleasures, shows on Vh1. I spend 7 hours in a chair, 3 nights a week and the lights go off within 30 minutes of my getting there, so I text, watch tv or listen to my best friend, Pandora. Normally it's a combination of the three.

I watch Basketball Wives, Mob Wives, Single Ladies, Behind the Music and sometimes their Movies That Rock, actually do!

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

30 Day Photo Challenge Day 3- Sweet

I think it's very interesting, how my mind is processing this challenge. I thought I'd take a picture and make a comment about the picture and be through.

Where my mind is going, I have no clue. I guess creativity is reeeeeally kicking in.

Today's photo is sweet. I took this at IHOP. I had breakfast with my nephew.

I believe the syrups are maple, butter pecan, strawberry and blueberry.

When I looked at the display, I saw myself and my 3 siblings. We're all the same in that we have the same father. Those are all the same in that they're syrup.

We, however have 4 distinct personalities, just as the syrups have 4 very distinct flavors.

We're all sweet in our own ways.

It might be corny, but dangit, that's what I got! LOL

30 Day Photo Challenge Day Two - Yellow

This was my second choice for yellow. Thirsty flowers that are still thriving in 110 daily heat indexes. Shows that if these delicate flowers can survive with a little heat, so can we keep pushing toward our goals, when we feel a little resistance.

The picture I really wanted. Took 3 tries and 3 different intersections for me to finally get this, but what this says to me on this particular day is first of all, slow down, a chance to make a decision is coming up. A choice you need to make with caution.

To me, it wasn't a choice of which way to turn. When I saw it, I saw it that as an adult who is making some life decisions, the choice to go the way I have been going, doing whatever I feel like, saying whatever I want to and getting the same results I have been doing and going the other way. Making some changes. Going down a road not so familiar and trying some more positive changes because I'm tired of getting the same old results.

Either way, Karma is on both roads.

Which way do I go?

Monday, August 1, 2011

30 Day Photo Challenge Day One - Me

This is me...Scarred and wrapped. I'm a dialysis patient and that big bubble on my arm is an anyeurisum where they have stuck me with needles every other day for two and a half years. That got clotted last week, hence the ash catheter in my neck.

I am just me. I don't feel sorry for myself and I used to have issues accepting others' empathy for me, which isn't fair, especially if it's someone who loves me.

I don't worry about what's going on. I know that no matter what, God is my head doctor and He has the final say.

30 Day Photo Challenge

I've been off work, therefore not keeping up with the dates. Thank you Kween, for reminding me to start the challenge!

This one, I found online. Apparently, I just missed the Challenge, put forth by Amber Fischer Photography but I still want to do it. I did tweak it a bit, because it was brought to my attention that not everyone was raised by their mother and/or father.

I encourage you to join in and post a link to your blog in my comments.

Day 1: Me
Day 2: Yellow
Day 3: Sweet
Day 4: Low Angle
Day 5: Guilty Pleasure
Day 6: Home
Day 7: Red
Day 8: Feet
Day 9: Morning
Day 10: High Angle
Day 11: New
Day 12: Beautiful
Day 13: Noon
Day 14: Creative
Day 15: Necessity
Day 16: Print
Day 17: Real Life
Day 18: Zoom In
Day 19: Parent or close friend
Day 20: Favorite
Day 21: Time
Day 22: Happy
Day 23: Old
Day 24: Orange
Day 25: Evening
Day 26: Love
Day 27: Hate
Day 28: Summertime
Day 29: Dream
Day 30: Faceless Self Portrait

Sunday, July 31, 2011

Enjoy a spirit filled 2 hours of praise on Spreaker.com!

God is so good!

If you are not registered with Spreaker (It takes 30 seconds) please use this link:


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Wednesday, July 27, 2011

10 Things I've Learned in the Past Year

I know people usually reserve this kind of post for the end of the year, but since I have so much time on my hands, I'm doing it now. Just posting as they come and not in any particular order and some lessons are really just reminders...

1. The last person you expect to preach the gospel, usually will.

2. Just when you think you're as strong as you can ever be, something happens and you find you're just a bit stronger than even that, with The Lord's help.

3. If you really have change in your heart, and God has verified it, nothing can stop that change from happening, be it personal, habit, relocation...

4. Some folks should make it clear when they say "I love you" whether they really love you or if they're "in" love with you...since so many like that play on words.

5. Everyone who's gone natural, can't use the same products. You still have to find what works for you.

6. There are still people who love unconditionally. I mean love hard (thank you)

7. Your intuition isn't 100% correct. Sometimes you're on the money, but sometimes you get blindsided.

8. Just because you haven't spoken with someone, doesn't mean you haven't crossed their mind often. (Thank you for not forgetting me, I never forgot you).

9. Cooking soothes my soul.

10. When it seems like things are going haywire in your life, don't you give up, you keep the faith, you're about to get a breakthrough.

Monday, July 25, 2011

Monday, July 25, 2011-My Hospital Stay

This entry is rather graphic and has a couple pictures, so if you have a weak stomach, I recommend skipping it.

I'd been doing so well at posting every day...then I started having health issues. In the past month, I've been in the ER 3 times, had an EKG and Echocardiogram (sp), had a vein mapping done, been hospitalized for 4 days and I'm still on the mend.

If you're a new reader, I'm a dialysis patient. Well, my arm they use for dialysis clotted up and they had to put a temporary catheter in my neck. A few days later, they took the temporary one out and put in a more permanent one in.

Those surgeries suck. You don't get the good drugs where they put you to sleep. They stick you in the neck 3 different times and give you a local anethesia and you're wide awake. They told me to turn my head to the left until my ear touched the pillow I was on and they said I'd feel a little pressure.

What I felt was a little pressure, but what I heard, was them slicing my flesh. There was much cutting and tugging and pushing and when it was nearly over, they said they were giving me a few stitches. Well guess what? By that time the lidocaine was beginning to wear off and though I didn't have all the feeling back, I felt small pinches where the needle went in and out of my body.

That was on Monday. I went upstairs to the dialysis unit at the hospital and sent home. Thank God I had pain medicine from Saturday because they didn't send me home with a thing. Not even dismissal papers.

My arm was in excruciating pain Tuesday and Wednesday. I was awaiting a call from my vascular surgeon, to see what he was going to do about my arm. Something told me that if I wanted results, I needed to be seen by my primary physician.

I called her office early Wednesday on the off chance that I didn't hear from the surgeon. Guess what? I didn't hear from him.

I went into her office Wednesday afternoon and I had a temperature, my arm was warm and red and I was taken to the hospital directly from her office.

It was late Thursday that my surgeon came to see me. He assured me that there was no worry of the clot breaking off and traveling to my heart or lungs. It was isolated. He still wasn't sure just how he was going to go about "fixing" things. He'd probably do my surgery on Monday.

Well, my kidney dr. came in on Friday and said he was not interested in waiting until Monday, he scheduled it for Friday morning.

Remember how brutal that surgery was on Monday? Well, I found myself back in that same room, turning my head until my left ear was on that pillow again. This time, I was given something in an IV that relaxed me and something else to supposedly ease the pain.

Well, I felt each snip of the stitches and I said OW each time, to let them know I felt it. Well honey, that man told me to hold my breath, so I did, and he started pulling the "straw" out of my neck. Did I tell you it is basically connected to my jugular vein?


Well, just as I recovered from that, they start applying pressure on it, so I don't bleed out. I did say I could feel this ish, right?

I thought I was going to pass out. Remember, my arm is still uber sensitive and they are slightly leaning on it during surgery.

Just about the time they go ahead and tape up my neck, they start cutting a little lower on my chest and put in a more permanent catheter.

Everything I went through Monday, I went through again on Friday...on top of that, my veins decided to play hide and seek, so when they came to draw blood for labs it was a no go.

It took six people to try and one person tried twice and on that 7th time, they finally got it.

I got to come home on Saturday evening. I won't complain about anything. Two people coded while I was there.

On Sunday I went to fill my prescriptions. One was for a mandatory dialysis med and the last time I tried to fill it over a year ago, my insurance would not cover it unless I did a mail order and then they'd only do it 3 fills at a time.

At first the girl in the pharmacy said that again, my insurance wouldn't cover it and it's a 30 day supply, for $533. Then I remembered a discount card that my social worker gave me. They wouldn't accept it the previous year, but I just couldn't throw it away. I handed it over and the girl said she'd try it. Well guess what? God is too good! That medicine cost me $5!!!!

It will be a few days until I show my face again since I'm recovering.

Keep in touch. Leave a testimony.