Just my thoughts...

Just my thoughts...
The randomness that is I

Monday, October 3, 2011

It began like any other morning...

Hitting the snooze button a couple of times before dragging myself out of bed.

I sat on the side of the bed for another few minutes, trying to shake sleep.

I finally get up and head for the bathroom. I always turn on the water while I “use it”, so it’ll be just right when I step in.

I step in and enjoy the warm water hitting my sore back (my mattress sucks) as I begin to awaken.

I look at the shower head as I turn the water up just a couple of notches (sometimes I get it so hot that my skin is fire red when I get out) and as the hot water hits my breasts, they start to tingle.

Not an arousing tingle.

The kind of tingle I felt when it was time to nurse my baby. *side note* When you nurse your baby, sometimes it’s your breasts, not your baby that tells you it’s time to feed. You get this heavy feeling and your nipples tingle. The only problem with that indicator is that at that time my son was oh, 7 years old.

When you feel that kind of pressure, the relief comes by squeezing a little milk out so you’re not so full. Sometimes while nursing, just the hot water itself will send milk shooting every which way. I used to have milk fights with my babydaddy

Anyway, by instinct I squeeze my breast and lo and behold MILK CAME OUT!!!! It wasn’t a whole lot, like when I was nursing, but the fact remained that they hadn’t served as dinner for some 6 years and a few months.

I did my routine breast exam and found nothing out of the ordinary, You might want to check with your doctor or a clinic, they may have a model you can have/use to see what feels normal or not because we do have a natural lumpiness at times – nevertheless, I made an appointment that morning.

I was on pins and needles until the day I went about a week later. I had my first mammogram at 35. I was scared at what they might find and I was amazed at how flat...never mind, lol. It was virtually painless. Uncomfortable, no doubt, but really painless. I got a bad case of the giggles too because they put a little metal bb on my nipple as an indicator of something for the xray, I never actually got the gist of it because I was too busy feeling Madonna-ish.

I wasn’t sure what to feel while I waited for the results. At the front of my mind though was the fact that my son had already lost a parent and the reality of “tomorrow isn’t promised” was in my face yet again.

Three days later, I was back in the doctor’s office because they needed to get a second set of xrays. The next afternoon, I got a call from the doctor’s office telling me I needed to come in.

I really wish they’d just tell you what the deal is over the phone because you could really kill someone on the drive there with all the thoughts and concerns going through your head.

Anyway, I get there and fret the whole time I’m in the waiting room until FINALLY they call me in.

The doctor sits me down and explains that they’ve found a lump in my lymph node and somehow the pressure from that was pressing in my milk duct and therefore causing it to produce a small amount of milk.

She needed to find out if the lump is cancerous, so she schedules a biopsy for me right then. My body gets real cold, like the blood drained out of it. I get chills and begin sweating all at once. Somehow I get up from the chair, walk out of the office and drive home there was no way I was going back to work after that.

Fast forward a couple of weeks. I asked my boyfriend’s mom at the time, if she would go with me because I really didn’t want to say anything to my family unless I knew something for sure. She reluctantly agreed and then backed out two days before, telling me that my mother really ought to be the one to go with me.

I was not that close to my mother at all. We’ve got a better relationship now and it’s still not all that, but I really felt uncomfortable asking her. I got up the nerve to ask and she said she’d come.

Fast forward 2 days. I’m in the parking lot waiting for her to show up. It’s almost 20 minutes until I need to check in and I don’t see her.

Then 10, then 5...no mom.

I drag myself out of the car and into the hospital. I check in and they wheel me back to the room where it’s all going to happen.

Big, bad me...Super Woman, is scared as hell.

The nurse explains the procedure and I look at a tray with several pristine metal tools and the needle from hell. She explains that they will give me a shot to numb the area a shot in my fuckin armpit? Are you serious? You’re not going to put me to sleep?!?!?! Then the large needle will only go in so far, but that needle opens up and a small tool comes out and it will clip tissue samples from the lump.

Tears slide down my face because the last place I want to be is on this table, in this room, letting these people remove parts of my body, no matter how small.

I’m not sure how long the procedure is because I silently cry the whole time as the nurse holds my hand and tries to comfort me while they do everything.

They’re going to find cancer and I’ll have to have my breast removed and I don’t know how I can deal with that. God, help me deal with this. PLEASE! Don’t let them find anything. I pro..Please! I almost make the mistake of trying to bargain with God. I finally just say Your will be done.

They send me home with a nice strong prescription and a ice pack.

I call my mother to find out what happened and she says she thought it was tomorrow.


Two weeks later, I get a call from the surgeon’s office saying the lump is benign.

My story had a happy ending. Take steps to be sure that yours does too.

Be aware.

Originally posted in 2004

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