Just my thoughts...

Just my thoughts...
The randomness that is I

Tuesday, January 17, 2017

It's Been a Long Time...

It's been a long time...Seems like this is how all of my posts begin anymore. The last post I wrote was about Prince. A LOT has happened since then.

I finally got a kidney back in November *PRAISE GOD* and it's certainly been an experience. I've had some ups and downs. Spent a LOT of time in a hospital. I don't want to have that experience again.

I've learned some things about people too or should I say I was reminded up close and personal. Someone I already knew that I love with all my heart showed me that he will always have my back and will never let me go through anything alone. My guardian angel down here on earth.

Another (another of my guardian angels on earth) showed me that she will be right there with him. (They can be double trouble if you mess with them, lol) Then there are others I thought would have my back, but it seems that's only true if others take the first step.

At 48 I'm learning even more that I have to separate myself from some, so I can keep in focus with who I am and what it is I want.

I have learned so much about myself by listening to Friday Night Chat and Chill with DJ Tan. I seriously take something from each episode. You should check him out some time.

I'm determined to make some positive life changes this year. Some will like the changes, others won't but I'm doing this for me and only me.

Happy 2017!

Friday, April 22, 2016

Prince OD? I ain't buying it! Not on purpose anyway!

This is the thing about drugs...when you're sick, if you can't find one that takes care of everything bothering you, you find one for this and one for that. The average person doesn't read the ingredients of the meds. They see this takes care off stuffy nose, this takes care of allergies and that takes care of headaches, not realizing some of them like the decongestant and allergy medicine have a high possibility of containing the same thing. 2-3 days of trying to get better, you feel worse, so you keep popping, not realizing that what is making you sicker is twice the amount of the same medicine in your system. That is hard on your body because you've overdosed and don't even know it.
That and this is my personal opinion, but if he, as an artist, was walking around with a cane because he needed hip surgery, but his faith doesn't believe in blood transfusion that the surgery may have required, I'm not going to believe he intentionally poisoned his own body.
That man was vegan and took immaculate care of his body, which is why he never aged a bit. They can go on with that mess!

Sunday, January 24, 2016

January 24, 2012

He was my best friend and we would get on each others very last nerve at times, but he was the one person I knew always had my back, without a doubt. I was the one with him when he took his last breath on January 24, 2012, but his heart didn't stop beating until all of his kids made it to him one way or another. Classic him. Never left a single one of us out. I miss him more than I could ever put into words.

I was determined to not be down today, but it started off on a bad note, so I'm going to try laying back down until I can get my mind and heart right and have a functional day.

Thursday, August 27, 2015

I'm Tired

This isn't about working. This isn't about dialysis (well, I AM tired of that. Donor where are you?) What I am tired of is people having an attitude or not accepting that I am who I am.

I have been on this earth nearly 47 years and for 40 of those years, I stifled myself because there were people who never have accepted the spirited person that I am. Things I wanted to say and do, I mostly didn't, in order to meet approval that to be honest, has never really come.

I have always heard "You need to...", "Why don't you...", "you should...", things of that nature. Never once have I heard "that's nice, but if you try this, it might be even better" or "I really like the way you..."I mean really, no one does EVERYTHING wrong. I've had more acceptance from people online, who I didn't even know at first.

When I turned 40, I decided I was tired of this attempting to please shit that wasn't getting me anything but stressed and depressed. That's what happens when you try to please others, you know. You don't allow yourself to just be and just like some people will read what you post/tweet/IG and keep coming back each day because it's great advice, but they refuse to hit that "like" or "retweet" button just because it's you, people will refuse to give you any validation or positive reinforcement. I've learned to not to give a second thought to what people think about me. I honestly don't care, if I'm true to me...

So again, unapologetically, I stopped doing what others expected me to do and I began to be true to myself. I was truthful instead of sugarcoating. I wasn't purposely hurtful, but sometimes people really don't get it when you give them the light version.

Then I met this guy...he isn't hurtful, but I guarantee if you're doing something that paints yourself in a dimmer light than he sees you, he will straight up tell you about it. Yeah, I get pissed at him sometimes, but 9 out of 10, when I actually analyze, he's right.

Truth. That is something everyone claims they want, but when some folks get it, they can't handle it. So anyone who knows me, knows what happens next. I tell you the truth, you get pissed. Well don't worry about me trying to say much more than hi and bye after that.

I'm not a malicious person and if I see you in a situation where I think it could end up bad, I'll try to talk to you. If you don't want to hear me, good luck. On that same note, if you see me doing something or looking a certain way, come to me straight and don't try to hem haw around. That's just going to make me mad. If you come AT me as opposed to talking TO me, know that I've shut you out as soon as I felt the attitude.

Life is hard enough without trying to decipher the things that people "try to say without really saying". Just speak up!

And let me be

Friday, August 7, 2015

I Hate Dialysis

Brain Fog

I've been on dialysis since 2008. Most people look at me and can't tell. I try to live life as normal as before, but sometimes I just can't. I stopped writing blogs because I'd really have something to say and when I'd start writing, the words wouldn't come. It's very frustrating. I'd stopped reading so much because I'd forget what happened in the previous chapters and have to go back sometimes. It didn't happen all the time, but enough that I'd wondered if the Alzheimer's that plagued my Grandfather and his sibling (possibly siblings, I don't know enough about them to compare) was beginning to surface in me.

One particularly frustrating day, I posted a question to the Facebook Kidney group I belong to and I was SO glad I did!! Apparently it's something that happens to dialysis patients and transplant recipients and it even has a name, Kidney Brain Fog! That coupled with getting into my mid-40's, I have to write so much down just to remember these days.

I often have conversations with a co-worker and mid-sentence I'll go blank. I can look at something and not be able to quickly remember what it's called. Simple things. Like "notebook" for instance.

I have a notebook that I write in at work, so I don't forget the tasks I'm given. So very frustrating, but I keep trying.

I always had a great memory. Never forgot faces. I mean years could pass and I could recall such small details about things, people and situations. No more. I'm sure all my surgeries haven't helped either. A lot of Fentanyl has gone through my body and who knows how that will affect me in the long run.

I've always liked word games and I was good at them. Not so much anymore and again, it's frustrating. I play a lot of very common words, but I'm not playing to win. Just playing for fun. I usually keep a lot of games going because I know I need the challenge. just like trivia games. I have forgotten a lot of history facts and Trivia Crack reminds me of that. More than anything, I put together puzzles on an app I've downloaded.

I stopped taking classes, because it was hard to retain information. I've just accepted that until I'm no longer on dialysis, memory will be an issue.

I'll take it over some of the other issues I see my peers suffering from. It's embarrassing though.

Well tonight, I was talking to a good friend after playing a word that I came up with after guessing, because as hard as I tried, I couldn't find a word in any of my letters. One thing led to another and she, at some point, said I was just guessing and I agreed. It was not a big deal to me because it kept my mind busy. Well she thought that was awful and that it was kind of pointless to play without knowing what a word meant.

She made me feel absolutely stupid. She hurt my feelings so deeply, I couldn't even say anything. I just pulled my cover over my face (I was at treatment) and I just cried.(Like I'm about to again).

I quickly ended the conversation.

Having a disease that no one can see gives you limitations that no one knows or thinks about until you say something out loud. I get tired very easily. I can walk 30 minutes on a treadmill one night and the next time I'm winded and hurting after 10. It's frustrating and depressing. I thank God for others going through this also, because I can share my feelings with them and it doesn't make me feel judged. It's things like this that make me stronger, but I'll probably cry yet again tonight just because I didn't speak up...that upsets me too. My friend and I have the type of relationship that we can tell each other anything, criticism included and I know she meant no harm, but I honestly think it was the most hurtful thing that's ever been said between us.

Maybe I'm overreacting. Maybe I won't be as upset in the morning, but a word of advice...don't assume that what you see and what you know to be are always what they are. Some people find strength in trying to be as normal as possible while fighting a battle they aren't sure they can win. Sometimes we don't share our feelings because it will hurt people to know our experience, so we continue to suffer in silence.