Just my thoughts...

Just my thoughts...
The randomness that is I

Thursday, June 30, 2011

14~ Recreate your most romantic date (a real one)...

I'm quite sure there has to be one.

I'm reaching deep, but I can't think of any.

I mean I've been out to dinner with a couple of guys, to a restaurant with real nice ambiance, but to my recollection, no one has really done anything extra to make it special for me. I always seem to be the one doing the extra. *shrug*

I have a friend that comes to visit occasionally. We always go to a nice restaurant to eat. We always dress up and that's about it.

'Scuse me *taps the mic* Can I get some romanticalness over here?

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Day 9~ Tell us about the first time you ever made love (not had sex)-Revisited

Disclaimer: If you are family, church member or just really don't want to know this much about me, click the red x in the top right corner now. I'm 42 and have experienced some things you may not want to face. Proceed if you dare

The first time...I will say that I originally thought of a different time, but when I really felt it most, was most recently.

What I'm finding is that this love challenge keeps making me revisit a relationship that I'm trying to get past.

It was March of last year and it began the moment we saw each other at the airport. There was something in that kiss...maybe it was just because it was the first time I was traveling to specifically see him. I don't know.

There was something electric in his touch. His hand was either in mine or at the small of my back all the way to his house.

We went bowling with friends and between each turn, there was a kiss or a touch. This was the point that I actually think there were hearts in my eyes. I felt a connection that I'd never felt with anyone before and I know this wasn't my first love.

When we finally retired for the evening, there had been hours of what I consider foreplay.

There was a passion and intensity exchange that I'd never experienced before. We were connected in a gaze until the point of actually joining bodies, when we both had to gather ourselves.

I didn't hear angels singing, but it was the most beautiful experience I'd had to date.

Fortunately, it was like that for me each time he and I were together.

I'll miss that...

3 Day SALE!!!!!

My SiStar, the creator of GGX Jewels will be going on a brief hiatus, so she is having a CUSTOMER APPRECIATION sale: Take 25% OFF your order of $25 or more!! 3 days only. Bangin' Beauties (Originals, BB2's, & BB3's), Fung'Kee Fing'Hers wire-wrapped rings, etc. Get it in while you can. All orders come with a FREE gift. ---> http://ggxjewels.com/Custom_Orders.php

Some examples of her beautiful creations

Monday, June 27, 2011

Day 11~ Whom (no names, if you prefer) did you love, who didn't love you back?

To be perfectly honest, relationship-wise, I have yet to meet someone who has reciprocated the level of love that I’ve given. Or perhaps I just didn't recognize it...

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Day 10~List 10 people you love and explain what they mean to you

First of all, I’m going to preface this by saying none of my family is on this list. It’s a given I love my family beyond anything I could explain and I’d do most anything for them.

I will also say that this list is in no way in order! Something in each of these people clicked with me in the very first conversation we held. I’m a cordial, friendly person, but I don’t mess with a lot of people one on one. Not really. It’s a trust thing. These people here? They’ve got it.

1. Harmony Foston May-We met through an ex. He thought his girlfriend and his best friend should meet. We clicked. I first met her at her own family reunion. I was a guest of my then boyfriend. Probably the first hour we were there, the three of us were in a bedroom talking, as she printed out pictures she’d taken earlier at the reunion.

That’s what started it all. She’s been with me through 3 breakups now. Not only did she take me in as a best friend and SiStar, her whole family did. And when I say whole family, look at my FB friends, LOL. Her Momma and Pops, sisters, brother, hubby, nieces, nephews, uncles, aunts, cousins. Hell, even her daughters’ babydaddy and boyfriend!!! And then they all took my son in! The rest have yet to meet my oldest, but she already has and has taken him in too.

When I say that she knows everything about me, she knows stuff I can’t even tell my family. She’s shared things with me that no one else knows about her. If I had a Siamese twin, she’d be it. We piss each other off and keep on loving. If I could marry her…wait, let me not say that, before rumors get started. I forgot in some places it can happen! LOL.

2. Kali Tenee Monroe-This daggone girl right here…I got her in a break up, LOL. She was acquainted with both me and an ex and we just kind of gravitated toward each other and clicked. I mean REALLY clicked.

We get each other. We have a sisterly spiritual connection. If I tried to explain it, you’d all be looking at us sideways. Those of you who know her, will understand without explanation.

With Kali, a lot of times I don’t even have to use words and she knows what I’m going through and vice versa. She is my SiStar. The Kween of Love. One who shines in my life and I love her.

3. Quinton Weddington-Q first showed me who he was, the 2nd time I met him and the first time I met Joe. The two of them together let me know that they had my back period. Since that time, he has continuously opened himself up to me and is always the ear, the shoulder, the kiss or hug I need, even if he’s the reason I need it. <-That’s love. I know ya’ll probably think I think he’s a saint because of the high regard I always hold him. He’s not. He’s human like all the rest of us, but he has definitely made my life richer with his presence. I love him for who he is and for who he’s helped me become. 4. Joseph Leftwich-Joe showed me who he was the very first time I met him in person. I won’t go into detail what happened because he didn’t do it for the recognition and I know he’d just blow it off. I’ll just say that our first encounter showed me what kind of heart he has and he’s never shown me any different since.

I love him for showing me that a man can do for you without expecting anything in return but friendship.

5. Rodney “Sonny” Collins-My brother. My guardian. We went away to college as acquaintances and came back family. We talk at least twice a week. We advise each other, listen to each other and if it came down to it, we’d cut a mofo about the other.

Our birthdays are only 2 days of each other and when we go out together, he thinks he’s my father. He’s on me HARD about what I’m wearing, whether or not I’m drinking anything, who I’m talking to, etc. We lean on each other a lot. I love him for being the big (little) brother I never had.

6. Eugene Woodfin Jr.-My first internet love. We met on Blackplanet. Gene taught me that really getting to know someone first is key to a successful relationship. He was a true friend early on. He was there at the lowest point of my adult life.

I mean literally. When a negro pulled a stalker stunt, Gene was on the phone with me at 3 am, comforting me until the police got there. He walked me through the steps to overcome that situation. He never sugarcoats anything and has an opinion on most things.

My first experience with a realist. I didn’t like him very much in the beginning, LOL. We’re no where near as close as we used to be, but I know if I need him and he knows if he needs me, “Skillet” is just a call or text away. I love him for who he is and how he brings it.

7. Dante Perez-I met Dante on a site called Multiply. I had blogged about something that touched him and made him reach out to me through a note. During that conversation he relayed to me his experience during Hurricane Katrina and we developed a deep connection in the following days.

We’ve loved on each other since. We were forced to stop keeping in touch for a short while when the person I was dating at the time felt threatened by his presence, but we’re back in each other’s lives in full force. I jokingly call him my Innanet Boo, but he’s more than that to me. I love him very much and I love that he doesn’t use his swaggaliciousness for bad, LOL.

In the past couple of weeks, I've leaned on Dante more that I ever have and what he's shown me is that he LISTENS to the things I say and advises me in love. You know some folks advise you and leave you feeling stupid for being in a situation to begin with. This is my Baby. I'm keeping him.

8. Addison Jackson, Jr.-My Secret Squirrel *smile* I also met Addy back on Blackplanet. This man exudes so much love and wisdom it’s ridiculous! I think I must have said something to him one day just because he has the most radiant smile and then when you talk to him, his voice just makes you happy.

Addy is the biggest sweetheart and we just share a bond that’s unexplainable. That’s my sweetie and I love him because he is always willing to share his infectious smile and his lessons learned.

9. Don L. Burse-Don would probably be my husband and not my dorm neighbor’s ex, if I hadn’t been dating someone when I started college. Don has been intertwined in me and my son’s lives since September 1988.

We’ve fallen out and “gotten back together” one good time. There are some people you’ll always love. Don’s one of those to me.

I love him because he was my college sweetheart, even though we never really got together in college, LOL.

10. What?!?! I told you I don't mess around with that many people! Take away my family and you've taken away a good chunk of the world!

Friday, June 24, 2011

Day 8~Do you think you can be in love with two people at the same time?

I didn’t used to believe that. I thought that if you were really in love with someone, there was no room for anyone else.

What I have learned (and believe I’m experiencing right now) is that you are attracted to different things in different people and can very well be.
When I ended my most recent relationship, the love I felt for him didn’t end. I just accepted that our situation wasn’t ideal for what we both wanted.

I began talking to a friend again, with whom I’ve had a close friendship with for several years. We talk several times a day and have always flirted with each other. I’ve always loved this guy too, it was just more of a loving friendship, now it seems to have kicked up a notch.

I find myself thinking about him more than I probably should now, but then again, I AM single…

I guess you're saying rebound feelings, right? Remember, I loved this dude before the previous two relationships ever began. Never thought I had a chance with him. Still don’t know if I really do. I mean I know he loves me. He tells me nearly every time we talk. But love and IN LOVE? Two very different things.

If I had to make a choice to leave one or the other completely alone right this second, I don’t think I could.

*shrug* Time will tell…

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Day 7~ Have you ever been deeply in love? Explain


I don't wanna...

Today's post is one of those that make me want to quit. I don't want to Kween *sigh* but I will.

I could simply say yes and be through, but I blog for therapeutic reasons.

I keep going to other sites. Ok, here goes, for real.

If you're following my blog, you already know that I was in the habit of sabotaging my relationships after so long.

I want love, but if it lasts too long, I start getting scared. Scared that the person I'm with is going to leave me. Scared that perhaps I'm not really worthy of love. I mean my track record isn't all that great.

Sabotage is my wall.

Well, this relationship, like the best, began as a casual friendship that grew over time.

I fell fast and I fell hard. I was hesitant to tell him at first. I wasn't even real sure it wasn't infatuation, so I was silent. Then something happened.

He became my muse.

I had written MAYBE 3 poems the previous 5 years, but all of a sudden I was putting out 2-3 a week and they were INTENSE.

I thought to myself, dude must have put some kinda root on me or something. I couldn't shake it and it was becoming hard to hide.

I finally opened up to him in a letter (that's the best way I can relay my feelings. I have time to think. No telling what I'll say if I just start running my mouth).

I knew that he wasn't looking for a relationship and I knew that he'd publicly said that he hated when a relationship was casual and someone caught feelings.

I fully expected him to say that he was gone. He didn't. In fact, he encouraged me to keep opening up to him. Still, I was hesitant. My wall hadn't been down in a looong time and I wasn't really ready for it to be down.

The more we saw each other, the more we talked, I realized I was really digging him. He was like an iceberg. When you look at the surface, it looks big, but it's nothing compared to what you can't see without exploring.

He shared things with me that I never expected him to share. Dreams, experiences, feelings...The more he shared, the deeper I fell for him. I completely and wholeheartedly trusted him with my heart. One day I just had to admit to him and my best friend that I was completely open to and for him.

And I was scared to death.

Whenever things got testy, I kept expecting him to be done. Never.

I even tried to leave, even though I didn't really want to. I tried to make him tell me to leave and he wouldn't.

Circumstances caused me step away from the relationship, but I haven't stepped away from him. The thing about it is we still really like each other and it's hard to walk away from someone you have deep and genuine feelings for.

I won't speak for him, but I've still got very deep feelings for him. I can't lie, I still keep hope alive, that maybe one day we'll want the same thing at the same time. At the same time, I will always love and appreciate him and I wish for his presence in my life no matter what the capacity.

I love you Babe...

I did it Kween!

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Day 6~What is Your Idea Of True Love?

My idea of true love is first of all, developing a friendship void of sex. That's really the only way you can know if you genuinely LIKE a person. To me, you can't LOVE a person if you don't like them. You can most certainly love what that person does for you or to you and not be IN love.

Once that friendship is established, you build from there. I don't think true love is only reserved for one person. You (should) truly love your parents, your children, other family members and closest friends.

To me, true love with your children begins the first time you see them. For some, even before... As they grow, your relationship deepens. There's no bond like that of a parent and child. I think that's why it's so hard for parents to see when their child does wrong. Now don't get me wrong, we're still human and there are some severely flawed relationships, but I think that's the gist of things.

I feel that the relationship with your siblings is the same way. Natural from the beginning and the older you get, the closer you get.

With friends and relationships? They must be built. I know of some great relationships that began with the people not even liking each other. Jada didn't care for Will in the beginning.

To me, this is the road map, so to speak, of true love.

Something must click between two to make them want to even pursue a friendship. As the people get to know each other, their friendship deepens. When the friendship deepens, they feel more and more comfortable with each other. The more comfortable they feel, the more kinds of things they share. When someone shares some of the "bad" and that person still accepts them and doesn't treat them any differently, they begin to let their guard completely down.

It has nothing to do with what they have. I has nothing to do with what they do, but has everything to do with who they are.

When your guard is completely down with someone, when you spend time with them, you start seeing things in them that they don't even see in themselves.

With my closest friends, it's sometimes what they don't say, that lets me know what's going on with them.

When you see someone at their worst and you treat them no different than when they're at their best and love them no matter what, that's true love.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Day 5~Favorite Romantic Movie

My favorite romantic movie is Brown Sugar.

First of all, I'm a big Sanaa Lathan fan and secondly I'm a big hip hop fan and the love story infused with the classic hip hop just does it for me.

When did YOU fall in love with hip hop?

Monday, June 20, 2011

Day 4~ Favorite Love song...and why?

Let me allow you to enter my head for a moment. We're in Jamaica or someplace surrounded by the blue waters of the Caribbean Sea. It's sunrise. It's just me, him and a minister and we're exchanging vows

That to me, is the ultimate love goal, to have a life partner to share my life with, good or bad, rich or poor, sick or well.

I've had it in my heart for as long as I can remember.

Spend My Life by Tamia and Eric Benet, to me embraces all those feelings. Though I have many "favorites", this consistently makes my top 5...

Day 3~ Last/Most Recent Love...what they meant/mean to you...

My most recent love, I'm still in love with...

He means the world to me. I'll do almost anything for him.

We met online. We had some friends in common and ran in some of the same circles. I'd say we did that without really talking for several months. Then one day a mutual friend, her name was Subira, threw a virtual party. Basically we were a bunch of bored folks who would post pictures of what food we'd bring and who we were dancing with, while listening to the music that people would post in the thread. Man, that damn Yahoo 360 was the business!

Anyway, I "grabbed" him for a slow dance and so began our virtual friendship. Over the next couple of years we'd talk online, but that was it. One day he wanted to call me. We talked and it was cool and I wasn't sure what to think. In the meantime, I began talking to someone else who really told me some negative things about him, so I kind of left it alone.

Over the next couple of years, I really got to know him for myself and I was pleasantly surprised. He was not what I was told at all. In fact, he was and is one of the coolest, smartest, funniest people I know.

At the time we met face to face, neither of us were solo, so there was nothing more than friendship, but later, when were both single, we really started talking. Next thing you know, we were in a relationship.

Not a conventional relationship, but a relationship nonetheless and a long distance one at that.

During the time we were together, I'd have to say that he pushed me past limits I didn't know I could go past. I'd had a previous abusive relationship and had learned to shut down when things didn't go as I thought they should. He wouldn't let me do that. He taught me how to bring things out into the open again, so a resolution could be found.

He was encouraging every way possible and he was patient. I don't know that I've been with anyone so patient. In the past, when things got a bit hectic, I'd subconsciously start sabotaging things and ultimately end the relationship.

He wouldn't let me do that. We might not speak for a few days, but he wouldn't let me quit.

Well, not too long ago I quit. It was one of the hardest decisions I've ever made, to walk away when things are mostly good, but I had to do what I thought was best for me.

I still love him very much. We still talk nearly every day and I'd still do almost anything for him.

I don't know if we'll ever end up back together, but I know that without a doubt, he's always going to be a part of my life in some capacity.

I'd venture to say that with him I had my deepest, most meaningful relationship to date...

So why didn't I write about him in my Day 2 post? Well duh, I was writing about him in Day 3!

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Day 2~ Best Love...what they meant/mean to you...

I met him my freshman year in high school. He was a senior. He was on the football team. I was on the pom squad. On game day he would always make comments about my thighs...

Fast forward a couple years and a few months after the breakup of Day 1, we started talking. I was 17, he was 21 and my mom had issues with that, though I was soon to be 18.

After his aunt had a talk to my mom, we were cleared to date.

We did everything together. He was protective of me. I was included in all family gatherings and holidays. He wanted to buy me a car, so I'd have my own transportation. When a guy at work disrepected me, he went up to the job and handled things. When I thought I couldn't handle things at home and called myself running away from home, he came to the city I was in to bring me back home.

He was a wonderful boyfriend.

He showed me love in every way. He even had his aunt teach him how to make chicken cacciatori for me.

I still remember the white sweater he bought me for Christmas, our first year together.

When I went away to college, he was such a great boyfriend, I didn't even think about cheating on him.

When I came home that Christmas, he bought me my first VCR, to my mother's disdain.

When I came back home for spring break, he broke up with me. He never told me why, but I suspect he thought I was seeing someone at school. I didn't date until a month after we broke up, but I always wanted to know why.

We talked a few times in the 90's, but he'd changed. I'd gained the freshman 20 (yeah, the overachiever I am) and he didn't like that. He thought that making snide remarks would make me lose it. Of course, since I'd turned into an emotional eater, it helped not one iota.

Fast forward almost 20 years...we reconnected on Facebook. It was good while it lasted, but not too long ago I noticed we are no more.

Oh well, I wish him, his wife and their beautiful son well...

Friday, June 17, 2011

30 Day Love Challenge: Day 1-First Love

"Long as I live....my first love

Day 1~ First Love (of course!)...what they meant/mean to you...

My first love...his name was Demetrius. His nickname was Pee Wee.

He was a year younger than me and I really got to know him my senior year in high school, through my step-brother. Hah, I actually got to know my step-brother through him.

When prom came around, we'd already had other dates, so we didn't go together.

We started dating the summer after I graduated. We'd do what teenagers would do...go to the movies, go hang out with friends, go out to eat.

Pee Wee was a good 1st boyfriend, I thought. He was fine, had his own car, wasn't afraid to take me home to meet his family.

He was the first guy to propose to me. Let me choose my own ring. I didn't like traditional rings back then and I'd chosen a pearl ring with diamonds on the side.

We dated for almost two years. When the next school year rolled around, I was working at Sears and he was in school and I'd often pick him up at the end of the day. This was before all the school shootings and I'd actually go into the school and wait outside his classroom door.

He played football and I went to nearly all his games, hitching a ride with the cheerleaders in out of town games.

Perfection, right?


I go to his house one day and his sisters answer the door and they say he's not home, but they point upstairs. What? All my ex-families loved me then and they still love me!

So I go upstairs and lo and behold, he's upstairs with another girl. Needless to say, we broke up that day...

A few days later, I'd heard from a friend, that he'd been so upset about our breakup that he'd been drinking and decided to run his mom's cadillac into a light pole, in an attempt to end his life. I don't know how much of THAT story is true, but his mama's car was totaled and he asked for the ring back to help pay for the damage.

I'm the type of person that if my feelings for you cease, I don't want to see a daggone thing that reminds me of you, so I was only too happy to give it back.

After that there were messages through friends telling me how sorry he was and he wanted me back, etc. Wasn't happening.

I ended up going away to school and he decided to go to the military. Before he left, he came with my cousin, to visit me at school and to say goodbye.

He ended up in Germany and would write me from time to time, but a couple years would pass before I'd see him again.

When he did come back, he was doing so to get married. There's a whole lot of skipping in this story, for the protection of those involved.

Long story, a little shorter, we're connected on Facebook. Talk very little and as far as I know, he's divorced and from time to time, I have to remind him that we were together in '87 and not 20 anything...

So basically, he's an acquaintance that shares both good and bad memories with me...

Oh boy...I thought I was ready for this, but now I don't know...the next 30 days, I'm going to be raw, judging by these challenge questions...The hard part for me, will be figuring what, in my past relationships, was love and what was lust.

30 Day Love Challenge

1~ First Love (of course!)...what they meant/mean to you...
2~ Best Love...what they meant/mean to you...
3~ Last/Most Recent Love...what they meant/mean to you...
4~ Favorite Love song...and why?
5~ Favorite Romantic Movie
6~ What is your idea of true love?
7~ Have you ever been deeply in love? Explain
8~ Do you think you can be in love with two people at the same time?
9~ Tell us about the first time you ever made love (not had sex)
10~ List 10 people you love and explain what they mean to you
11~ Whom (no names, if you prefer) did you love, who didn't love you back?
12~ Do you believe in zodiac compatibility? Who is your best match from experience? You worst?
13~ Do you believe in unconditional love?
14~ Recreate your most romantic date (a real one)...
15~ Can you live without a love relationship?
16~ Do you believe in love at first sight?
17~ Do you think young people can fall in love and it be true?
18~ Have you ever been in a love triangle...with you as the object of desire?
19~ What do you love to do the most?
20~ Do you believe in Long Distance/Internet Love? Why or Why not?
21~ What is the most romantic location you would want to visit?
22~ Create the perfect love scene
23~ Do you think love and marriage are synonymous?
24~ Have you broken anyone's heart?
25~ Looking back on your life...who taught you the most about what love is/isn't?
26~ If your young daughter or son came to you and told you they were in love with someone your age...what would your response be?
27~ Does anyone you've broken up with still love and pursue you?
28~ If you had a choice between a love relationship and just sex [guaranteed]...which would you choose?
29~ Write a Love letter to your soul mate (whether you feel you've met them or not)
30~ Did this love challenge teach you anything? If so/not...what/why?

Thursday, June 16, 2011

You Have To Hear It

The other day, I wanted to listen to something as I worked, so I went to Blogtalkradio.com and picked a radio show of a young lady that I knew I enjoyed listening to.

She's a very conscious and passionate young woman, who has always appeared to have an old soul to me. You know the type, wise beyond her years. Sometimes I forget that she's not my age, but could in fact, be my child.

Anyway, the particular show I chose, I'd never heard before. It was on Hurricane Katrina. I knew that her family had lived through it, because my Boo and I had bonded over what he told me of part of his experience and I'd heard part of her father's experience, but never heard her speak on it.

By mid broadcast, I was doing my work with tears in my eyes. I mean, you can watch the news and read the paper, but until you hear firsthand, unedited, what people have experienced? You cannot FEEL the heaviness of their experiences and it's hard not to look at them as the living miracles they are.

They've lived all this and they are always smiling. Never complaining. They lost everything...there are people who have everything they could want or need and walk around looking like they suck on lemons all day.

I'd love to share this broadcast with you. Here's the link Hurricane Katrina, We'll never forget by DiamondzzBlingz.

Friday, June 3, 2011

Thanks Blogger

I apologize that I haven't posted anything new...Blogger hasn't let me back into this account since that day.

You have to admit though, Mr. Perez is certainly a beautiful sight to be stuck on, huh?

I think so anyway...

I promise, I'll be back in a few days to attempt to entertain you.

In the meantime, check out the UrbanSoulz channel on Blogtalk radio tonight, where they will have a one on one with the one and only Leela James.

You can log in as a guest from anywhere around the world or you can call in (347) 945-6362 and listen from your phone. You don't have to talk unless you wish to.