I don't wanna...
Today's post is one of those that make me want to quit. I don't want to Kween *sigh* but I will.
I could simply say yes and be through, but I blog for therapeutic reasons.
I keep going to other sites. Ok, here goes, for real.
If you're following my blog, you already know that I was in the habit of sabotaging my relationships after so long.
I want love, but if it lasts too long, I start getting scared. Scared that the person I'm with is going to leave me. Scared that perhaps I'm not really worthy of love. I mean my track record isn't all that great.
Sabotage is my wall.
Well, this relationship, like the best, began as a casual friendship that grew over time.
I fell fast and I fell hard. I was hesitant to tell him at first. I wasn't even real sure it wasn't infatuation, so I was silent. Then something happened.
He became my muse.
I had written MAYBE 3 poems the previous 5 years, but all of a sudden I was putting out 2-3 a week and they were INTENSE.
I thought to myself, dude must have put some kinda root on me or something. I couldn't shake it and it was becoming hard to hide.
I finally opened up to him in a letter (that's the best way I can relay my feelings. I have time to think. No telling what I'll say if I just start running my mouth).
I knew that he wasn't looking for a relationship and I knew that he'd publicly said that he hated when a relationship was casual and someone caught feelings.
I fully expected him to say that he was gone. He didn't. In fact, he encouraged me to keep opening up to him. Still, I was hesitant. My wall hadn't been down in a looong time and I wasn't really ready for it to be down.
The more we saw each other, the more we talked, I realized I was really digging him. He was like an iceberg. When you look at the surface, it looks big, but it's nothing compared to what you can't see without exploring.
He shared things with me that I never expected him to share. Dreams, experiences, feelings...The more he shared, the deeper I fell for him. I completely and wholeheartedly trusted him with my heart. One day I just had to admit to him and my best friend that I was completely open to and for him.
And I was scared to death.
Whenever things got testy, I kept expecting him to be done. Never.
I even tried to leave, even though I didn't really want to. I tried to make him tell me to leave and he wouldn't.
Circumstances caused me step away from the relationship, but I haven't stepped away from him. The thing about it is we still really like each other and it's hard to walk away from someone you have deep and genuine feelings for.
I won't speak for him, but I've still got very deep feelings for him. I can't lie, I still keep hope alive, that maybe one day we'll want the same thing at the same time. At the same time, I will always love and appreciate him and I wish for his presence in my life no matter what the capacity.
I love you Babe...
I did it Kween!
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