Friday, October 19, 2012
Caution, Random Thoughts Ahead
I don't even know where to start. I've got so much going through my head.
I guess I'll start with the fact that we finally finished getting out all we needed from my Dad's house. The power, gas and water are off and there's no real reason to go over there anymore. I pass it every day to go to work and for the past 27 years, every time I pass that street, I turn to look down at the house. It used to be to see if my Dad was there, then it was to see who was there period, now it's out of habit.
I did a final walk through and took pictures. I've got no recollection of ever seeing it empty before because I was 3 when we moved there. It has that empty house echo and strangley enough, I do have a memory of that from when we moved in. I looked out the kitchen window and the area where my dog used to be when I was growing up is overgrown with weeds and looks like a jungle. For once, the back patio doesn't have grills, landscape equipment or a car sitting on it. The garage could actually fit two cars in it now, though in my mind a gang of stray cats, wayward raccoons or possums have moved in, so I stay out of it).
It's hard. 40 years of memories. 40 years...
This year has been so hard. Really, it has been difficult for me since the week before my birthday last year. It's been hard for me healthwise. I can't decide if the first year I was on dialysis was harder or this year is. I've definitely had more surgeries in this year than what I previously had my whole lifetime.
For a while there I was having at least one surgery a month, starting the day after the funeral. The recovery time really messed with my exercise schedule. I've gained back some of the weight I previously lost, but I have to get motivated to lose it again, so I can get off this mess. When everything in you is telling you that you can't do it, it's hard to get going again and make yourself believe you can.
I have become withdrawn to the point that sometimes I have a hard time remembering how to be sociable. That's huge for me. I used to be a social butterfly. Always making people laugh. I want my joy back. Sometimes I almost find it, but I'm having a hard time keeping it. Ironically, my pastor is preaching on finding your joy this month. Whatever he says, it definitely won't hurt my journey.
I feel like this A LOT these days.
I MISS BEING LOVED!!! I'm not talking about by friends, but I miss having a romantic sweetheart! I was very content in my singleness most of the summer and I enjoy my own company, but I miss random kisses, warm hugs (<---those are THE BEST) and someone telling me he loves me for no special reason. I really don't think I'm ready though. I'm emotionally all over the place.
I have been blocking exes and igging (slang for ignoring) people left and right because a few of them want to try to insert slick suggestive comments, I guess to see if I'm receptive to them. I really don't have the patience for married flirts and people who know their ship has sailed. I used to mainly ignore it. Now I have no tolerance for all that flirting even in jest. Take your azz on home!
I love my blog. I can type everything that I'm feeling and not one person will interrupt me and tell me I have no right to feel the way I do, stop having a pity party or stop complaining. I don't care who you are, everyone is entitled to feel each of those ways every once in awhile. It's called being human.
I don't care if no one else reads this, I have gotten it all off my chest.
Woo and Sahhhhh!