So Many Secrets

I'm beginning to think that I hide my feelings so well that people think I don't have any. Ok, not really. Perhaps they choose to see me as someone that doesn't really matter.

It's been nearly a year since I've heard from one particular friend. A long time friend. I never understood why he stopped calling me/returning my calls.

Then I found out he'd gotten married. The kicker is that it's almost like he doesn't want anyone to know. He never said anything on FB, he's not told any of our mutual friends and he most certainly has never said anything to me about it, nor has he ever returned my text, congratulating him.

It's like he doesn't want anyone to acknowledge it either. I don't get it.

There are YEARS of relationships/marriages, kids, jobs, etc. between us. I thought we were better than that. I don't care that he got married. What bothers me is that we really had no secrets between us before and then boom, he's married. He obviously (well I think he did) dated her for a minute before popping the question. Never a peep.

And then, months later, it happens again...

WTH?

So Thankful

This is the time of the year that people usually reflect on what they've been thankful for the past year. As you know, I don't wait until November because I'm always thankful for something.

I am thankful however, so I will share.

This actually came to me a few days ago, but I wasn't sure how to articulate it until this morning.

(It's your favorite subject for me to write about Reggie, LOL)

Yep. Love.

This year I am especially thankful for love. The love of my immediate and some distant family, especially for pulling together during and after the loss of my father.

The love of alllll my Great Grandmother's children, grand-children, great-grand- children and great-great-grandchildren all coming together to celebrate her 101st birthday.

The love of the few people I call friend. Throughout my ups and downs this year. I'd be crazy to try and call names because I would never want to forget someone. Honestly, you know who you are and I am so very thankful for you.

I am thankful that I am in such a happy place that I'm not constantly praying for a mate. I am thankful that I don't have a mate, but a partner (no, not in crime and not of the same sex) that has been by my side constantly. Allowing me (brief) pity parties, to sound off, be stupid and still be there when I realize it and to be absolutely silly. Someone who makes me smile several times a day, sometimes without a single word.

Someone who has finally made me realize that a boyfriend/fiance/husband doesn't make you happy, they add to your happiness. Someone who makes me know that without a doubt, when I wake up every morning, that I am loved by another human that I'm not related to and doesn't have to love me.

Yep. For all that, I am extremely thankful.

This holiday weekend, no matter how much or how little you have, do something else for someone, even if it seems to be a small thing. You've been blessed. Be a blessing to someone else.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Pet Peeves (Not all of em, just a couple)

It's the time of the year when people try to do more for others. There are many people struggling.

Are you the type of person who will toss a little in the red buckets when you can? Do you have a toy/clothing/food drive? Do you help serve food? I don't really need to know if you do those things, but what I do want to know is if you do these things, why?

I know many good hearted people who do things just out of kindness. You rarely hear the things these people do because others knowing isn't a priority. Some (like me) prefer to do things without a bunch of fanfare. I don't feel it's necessary. I do things for others because I've seen a need and I'm in a position to do so.

What I hate is people who do good for others and then constantly talk about what they've done. I helped this person. I did this. I did that ORRRRR you volunteer to help someone out and then criticize what they do afterward. Ok, you helped someone. No one twisted your arm. No one forced you to. Not even the person you're helping. So because you helped this person, does that give you the right to try and control their life? I mean a little guidance is one thing, but to criticize their every move, is that what giving is really about?

Then when the person you've resolved to help, doesn't do things the way you want them to, is it right to dog them out to everyone who will listen?

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My next pet peeve is liars. I despise a liar. I mean either tell the truth or don't say anything at all. What irks me even more is a bad liar. I mean nothing makes me madder than someone trying to insult my intelligence by telling me a lie in the first place, then forgetting what they told me, and scrambling when they have to recall what they originally said. Man, miss me with that.

Why do people feel the need to lie in the first place? Don't thier ignorant butts know that as adults, truth rules?

Is it really that necessary to try and impress someone? Or make someone feel sorry for them?

I guess they don't realize it all comes back and the truth eventually comes out.
In my book, cheaters are in the same category as liars.

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That's all for now...Never know what I'll write about, huh? Me neither, LOL. I sure do love this song though...

Such Is Life...

I don't think I'll ever get used to seeing my Dad's name on a headstone.

This wasn't the deal. I decided back in my teenage years that everyone in my family would be on some great road trip and we'd get in a crash and we'd all die at the same time. Anything else would be unfair.

Well, that ain't the way things happen...

Yesterday I went to a Donor Sabbath Celebration, which is basically a ceremony for the families of donors and recipients of donated organs.

For a long time prior to it starting, I thought my Dad was the only donor of color. I was happy to see a couple more trickle in, closer to start time.

I wasn't sure what to expect. I'd never heard of these kinds of things. Other people in my family were either too far away or had prior obligations, so there I was.

There were bagpipes (thank God we were inside and they were out!), a responsive reading and 3 speakers. A double lung recipient, a mother whose daughter was a donor and son was a recipient (I was bawling by the end of her story) and a transplant doctor.

The mother explained how she came home one day and her 19 year old son was in the middle of a heart attack. They rushed him to the hospital and they were able to put some device in him and during the time they were dealing with issues from the son's condition, their daughter was in a boating accident and because her death was immediate, she was unable to be an organ donor, but was able to be a tissue donor and she helped 5 people. The family filled out the necessary paperwork on the son and just FOUR days after it was turned in, he was called. A heart was found!

During this time, the son's fiance was pregnant and their son was born within the first year after the transplant. They were able to enjoy him for 3 years before he died, leaving his parents with no children and his fiance and son with no husband-to-be or father.

They honored the donors by speaking their name out loud and showing a slide presentation, showing the donors faces. When my Dad's slide came up, I could only smile.

By the time I got to the car however, all I could do was cry. I'm not sure if I want to know who received my dad's eyes. I don't know if I were able to look into them, who I would see.

I was glad that I had made plans to go to the movies with some family and friends. I needed the distraction. We went to see Flight. It was good...

Today I went out to the cemetery after church, it being Veteran's Day and all. Not thinking that he's buried in a National Cemetery and that there would be a ceremony today. When I got there it was a small scale of chaos, but I got in without incident. As I began the drive to the section, the radio show I was listening to started playing Stairway to Heaven and I almost hit the brakes where I was. I made it to the site though.

I was very windy, so I zipped my jacket and was off to the grave site. I was shocked at how many rows had been added since he was buried.

When I got to the headstone, I was appalled when I realized I didn't have a flag, flowers, nothing. Just me. (That pic is from Memorial Day) I guess seeing his name on a headstone makes it really real that he's gone. Since I didn't have any flowers, I cleaned off the headstone with some tissue I had brought. I could see grass stuck on it from when the grass had been cut. I thought, if my Dad was the one cutting grass, he would never have left that there. He would've blown the grass off the headstones, with a leaf blower. I didn't stop until it was white again. When the tears started falling, I thought I'd better go back to the car. I knew what was coming.

After these visits, I usually have uncontrollable crying fits where I take short hiccups of breath and then zone out. In hindsight, maybe I should have someone else drive...

I mean I don't drive crazy or anything. I actually drive pretty slow. The thing is, I'll get home and only remember part of the drive.

Next, one or two things happen. I get a headache or my stomach is in knots. Tonight it was the latter. Now, when the only place I want to be is safe in someone's arms, maybe still shedding tears, maybe just watching a movie and "being", of course that's just a daydream. My reality is that I'm waiting to go to dialysis, where the only thing hugging me will be my chair.

Such is life..

Just One Kiss...

Ever dream about having just one kiss with someone?

You tell yourself that if you ever get the opportunity to have that one kiss, that you can get them out of your head. I didn't say you think it would happen. You just tell yourself that.

The reality that you know, is that just that one kiss will ignite a fire bigger than life.

You know that you would never want it to end at just one kiss anyway.

Not this one.

It couldn't.

Your feelings have been too long.

Too deep.

The desire for other relationships have been all but completely muted.

You don't know where it would end up if pursued. You don't know if it worked out, if it would be amazing. you dont know if it didn't work out, would you be completely devastated.

So what do you do?

Climb back into bed, pull up the cover and sleep, so you can dream about just one kiss...

Randomness Strikes Again

First things first, if you live in the United States, GET OUT THERE AND VOTE if you haven't!!!

Secondly, I am in the right mindset again to get this weight loss in gear. It took a little time, but I'm back. Been doing it almost 2 weeks and my clothes are already more loose around the waist. I am taking baby steps and will celebrate every 10 lbs. lost, in a small way. (a new lip gloss or eyeshadow, something like that).

Thirdly, can somebody, ANYBODY tell me WHYYYYYYYYY do people who have had stillborn babies enjoy sharing pictures? I am a very compassionate person and I understand that people deal with loss in different ways, but I DO NOT WANT TO SEE YOUR DECEASED BABY!!! I don't care how cute the outfit is that he/she has on. I just don't get it. Maybe I need someone to help me understand...

And while I'm at it, I don't want to see the baby with thousands of ant bites, rare skin disease, tumor protruding out of the head or abused. Really, I don't want to see anyone (or any animal) with these things and I don't appreciate seeing them in my FB timeline. You can still be a compassionate and caring person and not click "like" every time you see one.

Lastly, if you didn't vote, I'd be interested in knowing why....

To all my readers who were affected by Hurricane Sandy, we're praying for you here in the midwest.

One more thought...who decided it was a great idea to take their dogs EVERYWHERE? It's 40 degrees outside and people are riding around with their window down so their dog can hang out. Don't say it's because a dog is like family either because I don't see any cats riding dirty!

Saturday...

Not really doing anything at the moment.

Just got back from taking the kid to get his hair twisted and I'm really sitting here chilling and listening to my stomach protest my decision to eat only when I'm hungry. LOL Stubborn bastid!

I just ate a couple of the 100 calorie packs, so it's not like I'm starving.

Last night I was thinking about a personalized story I wrote for my friend for his birthday a few years back. It was fun. I didn't post it anywhere, I just did a little creative writing. I'm thinking about doing it again. Who knows.


I've been seeing Air Wick ads around FB and I really like the stills, so I bought one today. I was so mesmerized that I filmed the color changes, LOL.

So, presenting my first personal video I've posted. Now don't fall in love with my scraggly, incredibly nasally voice, you hear? LOL!