Sick and Tired

Yes indeed, I am sick and tired of being sick and tired

In the past couple of months I have fluctuated from feeling really good, to not being able to get through the whole work day without slipping out to the car for an (lunch) hour nap. Come to find out, my iron levels had be a little high so they stopped giving iron to me at dialysis as well as stopped my Epogen.

It caused overwhelming tiredness, which I just thought was related to my treatments. If I sat too long at my desk, I fell asleep. If I was in another office talking to a co-worker, I fell asleep. When I got off work, I walked in the door, stripped and got into bed. Woke up around 8, ate and went back to sleep for the night. This lovely cycle assisted me in gaining a few pounds back. I was also irritable at work when I wasn't sleepy and I really temporarily forgot how to be sociable and at the time, I didn't know why I was acting that way.

Someone "blamed" it on me just being a woman.

Trust me, ish is real...keep reading everything I experience is highlighted

Mild iron deficiency anemia may not cause noticeable symptoms. If anemia is severe, symptoms may include:

Weakness, fatigue, or lack of stamina.
Shortness of breath during exercise.
Headache.
Trouble concentrating.
Irritability.
Dizziness.
Pale skin.
Craving substances that are not food (pica). In particular, a craving for ice can be a sign of iron deficiency anemia <-----I live with this one daily Rapid heartbeat.
Brittle fingernails and toenails.
Cracked lips.
Smooth, sore tongue.
Muscle pain during exercise.
Trouble swallowing.

If you experience any combination of these, go see your doctor ASAP!

Oh and be safe and aware out there tonight!

Why The Hell Is Sherman Hemsley Still Above Ground?!?!?!

I just read an article that Sherman Hemsley (George Jefferson) has not been buried yet. There was an alleged half brother that popped up and his supposed closest relative was out of the loop of facts surrounding his death, just a bunch of mess.

I don't understand what any of it has to do with his burial though. They did the same thing with James Brown. They can fight over the estate all they want, but BURY THE MAN!!!

The coroner can do an autopsy and save DNA samples to test the authenticity of the half brother, but there is no logical reason to keep him refrigerated until all of this can be resolved.

Greed makes people crazy. The Estate is supposedly only worth $50,000, let it go people, let it go! Sheesh!

Caution, Random Thoughts Ahead

I don't even know where to start. I've got so much going through my head.

I guess I'll start with the fact that we finally finished getting out all we needed from my Dad's house. The power, gas and water are off and there's no real reason to go over there anymore. I pass it every day to go to work and for the past 27 years, every time I pass that street, I turn to look down at the house. It used to be to see if my Dad was there, then it was to see who was there period, now it's out of habit.

I did a final walk through and took pictures. I've got no recollection of ever seeing it empty before because I was 3 when we moved there. It has that empty house echo and strangley enough, I do have a memory of that from when we moved in. I looked out the kitchen window and the area where my dog used to be when I was growing up is overgrown with weeds and looks like a jungle. For once, the back patio doesn't have grills, landscape equipment or a car sitting on it. The garage could actually fit two cars in it now, though in my mind a gang of stray cats, wayward raccoons or possums have moved in, so I stay out of it).

It's hard. 40 years of memories. 40 years...

This year has been so hard. Really, it has been difficult for me since the week before my birthday last year. It's been hard for me healthwise. I can't decide if the first year I was on dialysis was harder or this year is. I've definitely had more surgeries in this year than what I previously had my whole lifetime.

For a while there I was having at least one surgery a month, starting the day after the funeral. The recovery time really messed with my exercise schedule. I've gained back some of the weight I previously lost, but I have to get motivated to lose it again, so I can get off this mess. When everything in you is telling you that you can't do it, it's hard to get going again and make yourself believe you can.

I have become withdrawn to the point that sometimes I have a hard time remembering how to be sociable. That's huge for me. I used to be a social butterfly. Always making people laugh. I want my joy back. Sometimes I almost find it, but I'm having a hard time keeping it. Ironically, my pastor is preaching on finding your joy this month. Whatever he says, it definitely won't hurt my journey.

I feel like this A LOT these days.

I MISS BEING LOVED!!! I'm not talking about by friends, but I miss having a romantic sweetheart! I was very content in my singleness most of the summer and I enjoy my own company, but I miss random kisses, warm hugs (<---those are THE BEST) and someone telling me he loves me for no special reason. I really don't think I'm ready though. I'm emotionally all over the place.

I have been blocking exes and igging (slang for ignoring) people left and right because a few of them want to try to insert slick suggestive comments, I guess to see if I'm receptive to them. I really don't have the patience for married flirts and people who know their ship has sailed. I used to mainly ignore it. Now I have no tolerance for all that flirting even in jest. Take your azz on home!

I love my blog. I can type everything that I'm feeling and not one person will interrupt me and tell me I have no right to feel the way I do, stop having a pity party or stop complaining. I don't care who you are, everyone is entitled to feel each of those ways every once in awhile. It's called being human.

I don't care if no one else reads this, I have gotten it all off my chest.

Woo and Sahhhhh!

He Loves Me-A Re-post

If you are offended by strong language, you probably want to skip this...


****Written during Domestic Abuse Awareness Month****


He promised he'd never leave me. Take care of and cherish me, because he loves me.


Bitch! Whore! Slut! He didn't mean it though, because he loves me.


He threatened to kill me, but he loves me.


He got me ice when he blackened my eye, because he loves me.


He held my hand when they sucked my dead baby out of me, because he loves me.


He didn't mean to push me down those steps. I know, because he loves me.


He even picked up my prescription for that "thing" he gave me, because he loves me.


He doesn't want to meet my family because he loves ME.


I know he's fucking her, but its because she throws herself at him. HE-LOVES-ME.


He slammed me against the wall and I can't get up, but deep down I know he loves me.


I'm in a coma and he's not here. He must not have a way here, I know he loves me.


I'm gone and he didn't even come to the funeral. I guess he didn't love me.


Unpublished work © 2009 D. Newman

Calculated Depression

Let me start off by saying I have trust issues. I acknowledge that. I have put my trust in so many people who have come back to bite me in the butt, that I just don't freely give up me, in any way, shape or form, unless I really trust you. Now what I might do is give you just enough that might seem gossipworthy and see if I end up hearing it again and if I do, you won't know. I won't front you (unless you add to it). I just won't mess with you because I see what you're about. What will frustrate me though, is others putting all their trust in you and I already know you ain't ish.

It's not my place to tell everyone you ain't about nothing because for all I know, you only treated me the way you did.

Now about this caculated depression... What exactly is that? It's when someone (usually an attention whore, oh, you don't know what that is either? An attention whore is someone who thrives on the attention of others) "stages" depression so that others' concern about them is intensified.

Where is it seen? Usually on social media sites like Facebook and Twitter.

How do you recognize it? People who do this kind of thing, build up to their depression by telling all the things that are going wrong in their life. No matter how much other people pray for them and try to help them by sending whatever they are lacking, it never seems to be enough and then one day they announce to the world that they are depressed or say something crazy and then disappear.

Now this usually doesn't last much longer than a week because they need constant attention, but people who haven't experienced this won't recognize it and will fall for the okey-doke, but someone who's done it or has seen it happen, will see it coming and can almost predict the day it's going down.

I have a former friend, who will of course remain nameless, that used to pull this all the time in her LDR. I observed it a couple of times before I called her on it.

When I called her on it, she confessed that it was a tactic that she used to make him "act right". When she felt she wasn't getting the attention she thought she should get, she'd start acting extra needy and if he didn't respond the way she wanted him to she would disappear. She wouldn't get online "officially". Trick was, she still needed attention, so she had an another account that he didn't know about and no one but her closest friends knew it was her and she would feed that need that way. She wouldn't answer his calls, wouldn't respond to his texts or emails in the name of depression.

After aboout 7 days, she knew he was worried sick about her and she began taking calls again. Well he would be so happy to hear from her again that he didn't even realize he was getting played each time.

Once I figured out this thing she did, I kind of started paying attention to how she would manipulate people and she quickly became a person I didn't mess with.

I see this calculated depression on Facebook often and it's not limited to young or old, male or female (though it's usually female) and I just wish that people would open their eyes and call them on it.

Bottom line, if you're truly depressed, you don't have to say it, if you have to announce it, I'm suspect. I mean the people closest to you can tell something is "off" even when you lie and say you're fine.

I might be wrong though, so I hope no one's life ever depends on me.

How Does Your Garden Grow?

First of all, this post is not about any one person in particular, so if you feel like it's about you, then perhaps you need to check yourself. Secondly, it's (mostly) not gender specific because things happen both ways.

Making a kid (or kids) and just walking away is like planting a garden and never tending it. You not tending it doesn't stop it from growing. The weeds take over and sometimes choke the life out of the plants, but some plants are stronger and are able to flourish, despite. Surely not as well as if someone had pruned it and pulled the weeds in the first place.

In other words, though you may not have ever been in your child's life, YOU STILL AFFECT THEM. Some fight, some get busy, some just have severe emotional issues, while you live your life.

I guess I don't understand how someone can just do that. What goes through your mind when you see that child? Were you always that kind of person or did you just turn into that kind of person? Why do you think it's cool to play house with a new girl or guy's kids when you have never done right for your own?

Oh, let me not forget the parent that is there and doesn't do anything. Guess what? You might as well not be there. What good are you really? You are there taking up space, taking up the time, space, food and probably the money of the other parent. The same goes if one of your parents is doing for your child and you're doing nothing.

Get yo life!

Now I can hear all the uh uh's and tell it's! Not so fast...

The exact same thing can be said for some of the absentee mothers I've seen. Just because your kids live in your house, doesn't mean you're a good mom. If you move your man of the month into your place, you're not putting your kids first. If you're bringing (or living with) your drug dealing man, you're opening his lifestyle up to you and your kids, come on now...If you're always having your older kids watch your younger kids so you can go out, you're not doing that great a job. If you raise your kids until they are teens and then you let them raise themselves, you aren't doing that great a job. I've seen some of you just give your kids up to their father. Great for him and boo for you.

Parenting begins in pregnancy and it never really ends, so if you just stop, you're really doing your child an injustice. If you never started, well, you just suck.

Yeah, I knew there would be little to no co-signers...

Online Dating Sites?

Uhhhhh no...

I can't lie, I've created some profiles before, just to see who they would find that was so perfect for me.

First of all, let me say this, dating black and hispanic men are my preferences, but I'm not opposed to other races if their other factors are what I am also interested in, but the guys they "matched" me with? WHY did they all look like they were from the sex offenders list?

Why couldn't 1 brown person be included in the listing? That was 5+ years ago. Back when Blackplanet was popular, I actually met a couple good guys from there that I'm still really good friends with, but my days of the online sites are over.

Or so I thought...

I let my friend talk me into trying one more site. Just for a month. So I could find a "good, Christian man".

Now I know my standards are not sky high and an average brotha can impress me just as much as the above average, but er uhhhh.

The first two that contacted me were Nigerians. Both with sad stories of being widowed *seriously?* and left to raise younger children *what!? NO!*

Both, within 2 messages were asking for my phone number and talking about meeting. *HELL NO!*

Within 3 messages speaking of marriage. The Lord told them that I was the one. Can I get your last name first? *sheesh*

Then there were the two men who were both older than my father. *ilk*

Then there was the guy ON THE CHRISTIAN SITE with the name Candylicker O_O.

Every single day I was appalled, while my best friend was thoroughly entertained *scrub*

It didn't take long for me to know that the site was NOT for me!

Everyone had a ministry, no one had a church and everyone was talking marriage in the initial contact. NO THANK YOU!

Shall I talk about the holy penile chord picture my friend received?

I thought not...

Random Thought

My best friend calls me extra sometimes…He doesn’t know extra. I admit that sometimes my moods are a bit extreme, but for the most part I’m pretty even tempered. Safe even.

I’m not going to do something out of character in a moment of boredom. Wait, maybe I will. Depends on what it is, because I have been known to do that before. But you can pretty much bank on it that you won’t see weave or crazy nails on me.

So when I saw these nails on a post this morning, I thought *and I quote Silk the Stinger* What in the ice blue hell? What would make someone get up in the morning and decide “Oh, an eyeball with lashes would be soooo cute!”

It’s not. In fact, it’s downright creepy. Maybe for Halloween, but Ew. Ew. Ew!

Don’t take my word for it, take a look for yourself.

Oh and bf, these nails and ish? THESE are extra! LOL

Dating The Popular Guy

I'm not sure why, but I was reflecting on my most recent past relationship when I woke up this morning. Not so much on the person, but the experience.

Oh, now I remember...No matter how old some people get, they never really mature. I think this is a big part of failed friendships and relationships. Back in the 50's and 60's people married early and were taught to be responsible adults and somewhere along the way, that got lost on a lot of people.

What does paragraph one have to do with paragraph two? What does it have to do with the title? I promise I'll tie them together, LOL.

The last guy I dated was a very popular guy. He had a huge presence online and an even bigger one in real life. I'm still not sure how we ended up together. I know a lot of people, but I don't see myself as popular.

Anyway, a couple of things that I noticed during that relationship are that his popularity shot mine up I started getting all kinds of friend requests, especially from women. The reality of it though is that they were mostly befriending me to get closer to him (there's the maturity thing or lack of, so high school). I knew what it was about, so I generally didn't add them. Those I did, I watched like a father that has a 14 year old girl that looks 28!

The flip side to that is that I had women who despised me because I was with him. They wouldn't speak when we were together, they would speak and would afterward promptly ignore me or they'd be sweet as pie and talk about me like two dogs afterward (How do I know? People have no loyalty these days either).

Did I bring these things up to him? Yes I did. What did he say? Oh you're grown, handle that. When it came to a point that I did handle a stank situation, then I was wrong.

I could only deal with so much of that cycle before I walked away. The day I decided I'd had enough I think he was stunned because that's just not the kind of thing he's used to. No one walks away from the popular guy.

Well I did. Some days I miss being in a relationship, then I remember that experience and get over it. Honestly, when you're in a relationship with the popular guy, you're kind of in a relationship with all his cronies too because someone is always there, hanging on his coat tails.

And really, I don't think he'd have it any other way...

I have a few Facebook friends who have similar followings. I refuse to even comment on most of their statuses because I don't want to look like one of their Facebook groupies, I mean fans. In fact, I usually tease them because it's obvious each woman posts something to make it appear as if they have a deeper, more personal friendship (so mature).

Y'all can have all that fanfare. I'll take my personal, less known, REAL friendship over that mess any day and let folks speculate the nature of it. They'll come up with a story more interesting than the truth anyway.

Find Your Joy

Today was a highly emotional day for me. Really my emotions have run high the past couple days. ****TMI ALERT**** Skip to the next paragraph if you wish....
I guess I still get PMS without the M *shrug*.

I was fine until I got to church. I dropped and broke the spine of the bible my kids and I bought my Dad one year. That upset me a little, but I picked it up and kept going. I get in and I get seated and comfortable and I speak to my cousin who I sat next to. The Praise and Worship team is up front and I glance to the other side of my cousin and see her sister, who actually belongs to another church. As the service goes on, oblivious to my surroundings before, I realize that I'm sitting in the midst of all the siblings but one, some of who live out of town.

I realize later that they are dedicating the remodeled restrooms in my Aunt's name. I'm snapping pictures and I can't wait til church is over so I can go to my Dad's and show them to him.....

Except he's gone. I don't know if I was upset because he's gone, because I momentarily forgot or both. Man I miss my Dad! It's been almost 9 months since he left this earth...

Ironically, the message today was how to walk in the joy of the Holy Spirit. I needed to find my joy. Oh how I needed to find it.

The scripture lesson was Matthew 6:25-33 (NRSV)

Do Not Worry

25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life[a]?

28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Rev. Freeman said that to walk in the joy, you must do these 4 things...

1. Pray

2. Know the word of God (you know through studying)

3. Find a spiritual partner-someone who you can pray with and can lift you up when you're going through something.

4. Shut your mouth. There is power in your words and the moment you give in to complaining, the devil will use your words against you.

He said that if you feel like you just aren't getting anywhere, like you don't have anything, it's because you have not been a good steward over the things that God has already given you. If your goal in life is to keep up with the Joneses and live outside your means, you'll never get ahead. Be your own Jones.

You will find your joy right where you are.

Another Lonely Saturday Night

I don't know what's wrong with me...Sometimes I have a great day and then I get blindsided by this heavy depression.

I mean yeah, I'm blessed and I have family, but don't you dare tell me how I can and cannot feel despite the facts.

It just crept up on me tonight. I was having a pretty chill day and chose to not do much else but play my Facebook games and listen to the The Soul FM/Urbansoulz Radio shows. Somewhere in the midst of all this, I realized that I am pretty much invisible.

If someone needs advice or something, then I'm in demand, but as far as anyone just hitting me up just because? It's a rare occurrence.

I'm one of those people who can experience extreme loneliness in a room full of people, so it's nothing to experience it all alone.

Sometimes I wonder if this quest for meaningful relationships is worth it. Nah, I know it is, but damn a sista gets lonely sometimes.



This song truly sums up how I'm feeling tonight and I couldn't listen to the first stanza without shedding tears.

Hope you're faring better than I am.

Have a good evening.

Just me

You Ain't Got To Lie Craig!!!

^^^A string of lies ^^^

I tell you...I'm not going to say that I was always a truth teller, because I wasn't.  Somewhere around 18 though, I found I wasn't really that good at it.  I would lie to my dad and he'd come back with the truth EVERY DANG TIME.  So at that point, I found it pointless to lie about anything.

That's probably around the time that I started being extra sensitive to people though, not wanting to hurt their feelings.  If they'd ask for the truth, I'd tell them half.  I didn't think they could handle the truth. That wasn't really lying right? That was just not telling it all.

Fast forward 22 years.  I hit 40 and the truth and I mean the REAL truth started coming out. Whether I wanted it to or not.  I don't know what happened, but suddenly to my dismay, things that I would think in my head would be coming out of my mouth before I knew it!

Well I'm 43 now and I embrace it.  No one wonders what I'm thinking.  When people ask for advice, they get it raw and most of them appreciate that.  There are still some folks that can't handle the truth, but guess what?  Not my fault.

Which brings me to this...why are so many adults still lying about simple things?  I have never in my life come across such liars!  Seems like some folks are making up for lost time *smh*  I have been lied to and on so much in the last 3 years, it's not even funny.

Even when I had concrete proof of the truth, I got blamed because the other person(s) were such good liars.  I just don't understand it.  Why do people feel they have to lie about basic things?  Everyone is not the same.  Some will have more than you, some will have less and some will be right with you. Everyone is not going to like everything about you, nor you them.  Accept it and keep it moving.

Wherever you are, own it!  You may not have much, don't lie about it.  Talk to someone who has more than you.  Ask them what advice do they have to help you up.  The average person doesn't mind.  It's usually the asses who have everything that think there's no room for anyone else at "the top".

Funny thing, I catch people in so many lies it's not even funny.  Sometimes I go looking for the truth, but most of the time it falls right into my lap.  I think it's God showing me things because I'm not that great of a detective.  A lot of people won't understand that.

Most of the time I don't call people on their lies.  I just sit back and watch and listen to them stack up.  What I will do now is I will not mess with them like I did before.  Why should I?  If they'll lie about themselves, they will surely lie about me.  Why give them a chance? 

As I listen to the lies spill from their mouths, I zone out (they don't usually notice my eyes glaze over) and a la Ally McBeal style, I stop the conversation in my head and scream "YOU AIN'T GOT TO LIE CRAIG, YOU AIN'T GOT TO LIE!!!" 

One of my favorite movie lines to quote! LOL